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How to Make Love to Your Dog [Published]

MrFriendlyFaceMrFriendlyFace Regular0 Points
edited April 2013 in Totseans Life
This guide is dedicated to DogCuntFucker. Stay fucking that dog pussy bro.

Legality
It is currently prohibited in thirty states to have sexual contact with an animal. This is why you must keep it a secret and make sure that you are secluded during the act. Here is a list of states that it is illegal in:

http://www.animallaw.info/articles/ovuszoophilia.htm

Why make love to my dogs?

Deep inside, your dog secretly hungers for more than the companionship offered in the usual human - dog relationship. They are LONELY, and tired of all these mutts who don't know what they're doing fucking them so roughly. That is where you come in. We humans are much more intelligent than dogs, and thus can make better lovers IF we educate ourselves. Plus, dogs make great lovers for humans as well. Their sloppy tongue feels great against my balls, and their oral skills on girls far surpasses that of any human male due to them having much longer tongues enabling them to reach places a human can not.

Anatomy

Before you can proceed to making sweet love to your dog, you must first understand their sexual anatomy. This is crucial to being able to sexually satisfy your dog.

Females

Before they have their first heat, the opening of the vagina is very small. Once it opens up for the bitch's first heat, the opening never goes back to as small as it once was, though it will shrink a bit when she is no longer in heat. Depending on how large the dog is, the first 1 - 2 inches of the vagina is at a 45 degree angle upwards, then goes on a few more inches until it ends at the cervix. Inside her vagina is also her bladder, which she urinates from. She also has a clitoris just inside her vulva. Here is a diagram:

image

Heat cycles are also important to know if you are going to be penetrating her vagina so that you will be aware of when she will be most receptive to your come on. The first stage is proestrus. The bitch's vagina swells up and releases a bloody discharge. The stage lasts for five to nine days and she will NOT be receptive to your sexual come ons in this stage. The next stage, extrus, is when she will be the most receptive. The stage also lasts five to nine days and is when the bitch will be open to your love.

Males

Dog penises are very different to that of humans. They have a bone inside of their penis to provide support, and it enclosed in a sheath in order to keep it protected from the environment. Sperm is produced in testicles similar to that of us humans though.

image

Oral:

First you will need to give the dog full access to your privates. Lay on your back on the edge of your bed and spread out your legs as far as you're comfortable doing so, with your legs off the bed giving your dog the best possible access to your pussy or penis. The first time, offer your dog a treat and spread it out on your genitals to get him/her used to licking you there. Peanut butter works well, but it varies from dog to dog. Just use whatever your dogs favorite treat is. If you're a guy, be EXTRA CAREFUL not to let him bite your balls off while he's licking you. My dog Rex was licking peanut butter off of my shaft once and he nibbled a bit. He didn't bite too hard, but I was bleeding a bit. I wouldn't recommend putting your penis inside your dogs mouth unless you're 100% sure she won't bite.

You can also give your dog oral. Start by gently rubbing his shaft until it becomes erect and leaves its sheath. Then give it a nice lick before swallow him whole. He should cum pretty quickly, all dogs are born with premature ejaculation. Expect a lot more cum when he ejaculates than you would from a human.

There's also the possibility of doing a 69 with your doggy. Lay under him and stimulate him/her with your mouth as your dog stimulates you as you've done before. I recommend trying this once you've already tried oral both ways.

Vaginal
Alright, time for some fucking! Get on your knees, put your torso on your bed and let him fuck you doggy style like the filthy bitch you are. Put some peanut butter on your pussy, let him lick it off you, and when you're good and wet he'll be able to smell it, and he'll mount you. Once he puts his knot inside you won't be able to remove it without injury to him and yourself until he's gone soft.

You can also be fucked your dog in a number of other positions. Just experiment until you find one you and your dog really enjoy. The missionary position is probably the most popularly used one among dog lovers.

If you want to fuck your dogs vagina, wait until she is in the estrus stage of heat. She will be willing to accept you inside of her then. Massage her clitoris gently to arouse her and then thrust your penis inside of her. While you're fucking lean in and bite her on her neck and ears to show you're dominant and that she's to submit to your will.

Don't neglect the fun of playing with her nipples as well. Female dogs are superior to humans in that they have at least six nipples for you to suck on and play with.

That's all for now, I might add some more information later if I'm not feeling lazy.

Anal

Before trying anal sex with your dog, make sure you get plenty of practice first so that you are able to take him fully. Purchase a dog penis dildo and work your ass with that until you're able to take him fully. You also need to accept that his knot may be in your ass for thirty minutes. Buy a dog dildo and practice with that. Lube up with olive oil or another natural oil, if you use Vaseline your dog's penis will fall off in to your asshole and you'll be forever stuck with a doggy penis up your ass. Lube up real good outside and inside your bum to make it easy for your dog. Also make sure your bum is clean of poo or you better be ready to lick that poo off your dog's dick when you're done. Now get in to the doggy position and take that dog cock up your ass.

BDSM

Feeling adventurous? Dog's hunger for sex extends beyond the conventional. They want to be bound and ball gagged. They want to be whipped on their sweet little doggy ass. They want to be bitten. They want you to light a candle and pour the hot wax on them. It's your responsibility as the doggy's lover to give him/her what they want. Just make sure you have a safe word set up in case it gets too intense. "ROOFOOFOOFOOF" works well. Me and my bitch use light bdsm play as foreplay all the time.
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Comments

  • BoxBox Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    A video demonstration is necessary.
  • MrFriendlyFaceMrFriendlyFace Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    A video demonstration is necessary.

    You'll be able to find plenty of video demonstrations here.
  • DfgDfg Admin 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Thanks, you beat me to it btw. I was thinking of writing something like that. Kudos!
  • BoxBox Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Thanks for the link. Just gotta pick up one of these stray kitties around here.
  • MayberryMayberry Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Are there certain dogs that are better at sex?
  • MooseKnuckleMooseKnuckle Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    Thanks, you beat me to it btw. I was thinking of writing something like that. Kudos!

    ...as dfg rounds up cats
  • MrFriendlyFaceMrFriendlyFace Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    Are there certain dogs that are better at sex?

    Saint Bernards are known for having massive penises if that's what you're in to. ;)
  • MayberryMayberry Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    Saint Bernards are known for having massive penises if that's what you're in to. ;)

    And I'm guessing something like a Chihuahua would be the opposite?
  • BoxBox Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    What breed would put up the less resistance to being raped?
  • MrFriendlyFaceMrFriendlyFace Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    And I'm guessing something like a Chihuahua would be the opposite?

    Generally yes, but I've seen a Chihuahua with a monster cock before.

    What breed would put up the less resistance to being raped?

    Try pit bulls. My pit bull Rex doesn't seem to mind.
  • DfgDfg Admin 0 Points
    edited April 2011
  • Unknown Points
    edited April 2011
    This guide made me laugh my fucking ass off, good stuff dude. Well written too, I actually read through the whole thing and actually LEARNED something from it!
  • MrFriendlyFaceMrFriendlyFace Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    I'm gonna update this guide in one to three weeks with more information. Hold tight bitches. :D
  • BigHarryDickBigHarryDick Cock Bite 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    I'm gonna update this guide in one to three weeks with more information. Hold tight bitches. :D

    Good post.

    Can i recommend Pics?:)
  • bornkillerbornkiller Administrator 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Lol Awesome guide. :thumbsup:
  • TillouciferTilloucifer Acolyte 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    lassie, no :(
  • ducklipsducklips Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    looks like I'm moving back to NM

    (as far I could tell it wasn't on the list where it was illegal) cock fighting is illegal though.
  • bornkillerbornkiller Administrator 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    looks like I'm moving back to NM

    (as far I could tell it wasn't on the list where it was illegal) cock fighting is illegal though.

    I giggle when I hear "Cock Fighting" I'd probably win, because my bats BIGGER! :rolleyes:
  • Slave of the BeastSlave of the Beast Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    :facepalm:
  • PacinoPacino Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Lol
  • Unknown Points
    edited April 2011
    Is there going to be any more of this guide or is it completely finished now? I think it should be compiled into a single guide and added to the CMS :thumbsup: Made me laugh quite a bit, good job dude.
  • MrFriendlyFaceMrFriendlyFace Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    Is there going to be any more of this guide or is it completely finished now? I think it should be compiled into a single guide and added to the CMS :thumbsup: Made me laugh quite a bit, good job dude.

    El fino. (probably)
  • PacinoPacino Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    El fino. (probably)

    El shut the FUCK UP
  • ThomasHammelThomasHammel Semo-Regulars 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    You ruined my marriage you worthless piece of shit! Yesterday i caught my wife of 5 years doing unspeakables with our family dog. I was absolutely shocked. Today i searched through our computer and found this website bookmarked. You corrupted my innocent wifes mind and brainwashed her to do unspeakable with our dog. I will alerted the authorities about this horrible site for animal abuse and terrorism. May god have mercy on your souls.
  • MooseKnuckleMooseKnuckle Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    lol @ Thomas, what kind of dog? also post pics of ur wifes tits.
  • DiktologistDiktologist Locked 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    You ruined my marriage you worthless piece of shit! Yesterday i caught my wife of 5 years doing unspeakables with our family dog. I was absolutely shocked. Today i searched through our computer and found this website bookmarked. You corrupted my innocent wifes mind and brainwashed her to do unspeakable with our dog. I will alerted the authorities about this horrible site for animal abuse and terrorism. May god have mercy on your souls.

    LOL @ you.
  • MrFriendlyFaceMrFriendlyFace Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    You ruined my marriage you worthless piece of shit! Yesterday i caught my wife of 5 years doing unspeakables with our family dog. I was absolutely shocked. Today i searched through our computer and found this website bookmarked. You corrupted my innocent wifes mind and brainwashed her to do unspeakable with our dog. I will alerted the authorities about this horrible site for animal abuse and terrorism. May god have mercy on your souls.

    lol I feel special.
  • GoingNowhereGoingNowhere Global Moderator 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Haha, great guide dude. Only on Totse.....

    P.S ThomasHammel=troll
  • PacinoPacino Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    would it stand in court that it was the dog that raped me??
  • MissingMuseMissingMuse Adviser 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    Is there going to be any more of this guide or is it completely finished now? I think it should be compiled into a single guide and added to the CMS :thumbsup: Made me laugh quite a bit, good job dude.

    Agreed and moved with a permanent redirect.
  • thewandererthewanderer Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    I can't believe I just published this. :facepalm:
  • MrFriendlyFaceMrFriendlyFace Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Trx already published this article a few days ago. Therefore the duplicate should be deleted. Thanks.
  • thewandererthewanderer Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    Trx already published this article a few days ago. Therefore the duplicate should be deleted. Thanks.

    I wasn't aware it was already up. Done.
  • Unknown Points
    edited April 2011
    Yeah, sorry about that guys. I think I was drunk or something, I forgot to move it to CMS central and do it all properly. My bad!
  • DfgDfg Admin 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Heheh, finding this published is hilarious. But good job editors! You make totse.info proud.
  • Dark Kaiser ReduxDark Kaiser Redux Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    http://www.kinkyconsumer.com/dildos/other_anal_toys.htm

    ^ I always wonder what must go through the minds of the Chinese factory workers where this stuff is made :D
  • BoxBox Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Hi zhang! ^^ where do you work now?

    Oh, at the factory 2 blocks from here.

    Oh that's nice. Is the pay good? What do you do?

    Euhmm, yeah the pay is min. wage but you know, it's lucky to have something in this recession.

    yeah yeah that's right. What was it that you do again?

    Oh, just manual work and stuff

    Oh, like what?

    Umm, you know, painting and stuff...

    Oh what do you paint?

    Dog penises.

    Oh. >.>
  • NegrophobeNegrophobe Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Sucking dog nipples?

    Enjoy your ring worm, just for starters, if anyone follows through on the advce in this "guide." I really wouldn't even mind zoophiles if it weren't for the fact that they don't just stick to animals, they usually have partners and big groups of people they have sexual intercourse with. That's how diseases get passed onto unknowing males who know nothing about this and just happen to have sex with some degenerate cunt. This degeneracy would be highly discouraged and welcomed with capital punishment if ever I come to power or manage to hold influence over anyone coming to power.

    I don't think this website will ever be a patch on the original totse, I'm sorry to say.
  • BoxBox Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    said:

    Sucking dog nipples?

    Enjoy your ring worm, just for starters, if anyone follows through on the advce in this "guide." I really wouldn't even mind zoophiles if it weren't for the fact that they don't just stick to animals, they usually have partners and big groups of people they have sexual intercourse with. That's how diseases get passed onto unknowing males who know nothing about this and just happen to have sex with some degenerate cunt.

    I don't think this website will ever be a patch on the original totse, I'm sorry to say.

    sup negrophobe =3
  • NegrophobeNegrophobe Regular 0 Points
    edited April 2011
    Not much really, just work and life seeming ever more expensive as time goes on.
  • orestandorestand Banned 0 Points
    edited March 2013
    my god you sick bastards,fucking yours dogs? wtf this is not even funny.You are fucked up,they should put you in prison and let other prisoners fuck you or they
    should kill you in the most painfull and sufferable way. :angry: :angry: :angry:
  • DfgDfg Admin 0 Points
    edited March 2013
    said:

    my god you sick bastards,fucking yours dogs? wtf this is not even funny.You are fucked up,they should put you in prison and let other prisoners fuck you or they
    should kill you in the most painfull and sufferable way. :angry: :angry: :angry:

    EDIT: I thought I wrote this lol

    Chill out, this is Totseans. We don't give a flying fuck.

    Posting in a troll thread.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue 0 Points
    edited March 2013
    said:

    my god you sick bastards,fucking yours dogs? wtf this is not even funny.You are fucked up,they should put you in prison and let other prisoners fuck you or they
    should kill you in the most painfull and sufferable way. :angry: :angry: :angry:


    image
  • DfgDfg Admin 0 Points
    edited March 2013
    said:

    image

    image


    He mad for sure
  • bornkillerbornkiller Administrator 0 Points
    edited March 2013
    said:

    my god you sick bastards,fucking yours dogs? wtf this is not even funny.You are fucked up,they should put you in prison and let other prisoners fuck you or they
    should kill you in the most painfull and sufferable way. :angry: :angry: :angry:

    All I'm getting from this post is ^^

    WooF, WooF, WooF, Woof, WooF,
    WooF, WooF, Woof, WooF, WooF,
    WooF, Woof, WooF, WooF, WooF,
    Woof, WooF, WooF, WooF, Woof!

    and it's giving me a raging boner & making my dog all wet. :rolleyes:
  • DfgDfg Admin 0 Points
    edited March 2013
    said:

    All I'm getting from this post is ^^

    WooF, WooF, WooF, Woof, WooF,
    WooF, WooF, Woof, WooF, WooF,
    WooF, Woof, WooF, WooF, WooF,
    Woof, WooF, WooF, WooF, Woof!

    and it's giving me a raging boner & making my dog all wet. :rolleyes:

    *Likes the Post*

    I need to implement a karma based system, so we call jerk off.
  • dogpenisinassdogpenisinass Semo-Regulars 0 Points
    edited April 2013
    question if ur dog doesnt have balls does it mean he wont have sex with u? and i have tried anal before and oral. the anal all he does is lick my butt and oral he strts growling at me when i rub it...any advice?
  • DfgDfg Admin 0 Points
    edited April 2013
    said:

    question if ur dog doesnt have balls does it mean he wont have sex with u? and i have tried anal before and oral. the anal all he does is lick my butt and oral he strts growling at me when i rub it...any advice?

    He won't get aroused, I suggest keeping lube handy.
  • dogpenisinassdogpenisinass Semo-Regulars 0 Points
    edited April 2013
    said:

    He won't get aroused, I suggest keeping lube handy.

    why keep lube handy?
  • dogpenisinassdogpenisinass Semo-Regulars 0 Points
    edited April 2013
    said:

    my god you sick bastards,fucking yours dogs? wtf this is not even funny.You are fucked up,they should put you in prison and let other prisoners fuck you or they
    should kill you in the most painfull and sufferable way. :angry: :angry: :angry:

    so if u dnt like this then why are u here?
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