No, the lack of space between "Antisocial" and "Personality" wasn't a mistake, I just didn't have room to fit the whole thing. Also, by SAD I mean Social Anxiety Disorder. Sorry about the mouthful, but you can't describe my problem in few words. Please, only answer if you have something serious to say, I'm kind of looking for help, or a pseudo definition. Thanks for your time.
I didn't know if this was the write place to put this, but it seems appropriate.
This was written in the context of a community that is unlike &T, so please, be reasonable. inb4 tl;dr.
I'm 14 years old, and for the last 2 or so years, I've suspected I may have Paranoid Schizophrenia. For the last couple months, I've also conclude I may have Sociopathy/Psychopathy/Antisocial Personality Disorder/Whatever-you-want-to-call-it.
Let's start with the Schizophrenia. As mentioned above, for 2 years I've suspected I had this illness. Ever since that time, I've always had the fear that everyone could read my mind, or, more specifically, hear my thoughts, and see what I'm doing at all times. Not a specific person or group. though I fear much more that my classmates can "read" my mind (as defined above) due to obvious reasons, such as social scrutiny and what-not (more on that below). Every thing I do, that could be considered "wrong", any odd thoughts I have (such as philosophical inquiries, or more... sexual thoughts, also more on that below), I fear that everyone knows what I'm thinking, can hear my thoughts. I also fear that at any given time, they can, willingly, see what I'm doing, from a first or third person perspective. I also believe, that every one of them, including my friends, family, the whole world, has this ability, and only to observer MY thoughts and see what I'M doing. They also feel the need to not tell me at all. Everywhere I go, I check for signs in the people around me that they can hear my thoughts. For example, I'll think something, such as "Man, I'd f*ck her.", specifically naming a person, and watch for a response. I gather evidence, and compare the times when they have responded and have not, for a sense of "sureness" in what cannot possibly be. The most striking example, would be when I was at my brother's band recital. I thought something along the lines of "That kid looks really weird.", and a couple in front of me turned around. Now, I'm sure that I actually THOUGHT this, and didn't say it out loud. After that, almost sure they'd read my mind, I though "baby rape" (just to get their attention), and, sure enough, they turned around again. This, along with other evidence I've collected, has convinced me that they could read my mind, etc. I know these thoughts are not rational, but I can't help myself from having them. Ironically, the fear of others reading my mind just makes me more nervous, and think about more odd thoughts.
My second problem, is Sociopathy/Psychopathy/APD/whathaveyou. I've started to notice a lack of empathy I have for other people. How I could slit everyone in my classrooms throats, and not lose a minute of sleep. Including friends. I can't seem to put myself in their position, feel how they would feel, to care enough about their well being. Perhaps, it is just a lack of conscience that I have? Either way, I can't seem to attach myself to them in an emotional way. Also, along with this lack of feeling, I have fantasies (I guess you could call them that) about murdering entire people and entire families in their home, or other people that I could find in weak and secluded positions. I have thoughts of sneaking into houses with a gun, using plastic tie wraps (the one used to sort cables in electronics) to bound their hands and feet, and humiliate them. That is, only with families. For the humiliation, I think of making the family perform sexual acts on each other, and myself. All, with the threat of death looming in the air for each of them. I've planned out everything, to the point where I believe I could do this without being caught. I also fantasize of just plain murdering people, people on the street, alone. The thought of killing is not really for pleasure (except perhaps sexual, though that is not the entire motive), or personal gain. It's for a reason that cannot be explained with words. I really have no reason to want to, but a part of me is nagging at the possibility. I could control myself, not hurt anyone, and in fact, if you knew me you would probably refer to me as a pretty timid guy, but the fact is that if I knew I could get away with it, I probably would try to. Understand, I don't intend to actually harm anyone, but part of me wants to. I have control of this "inner-demon", but it lingers always. Please, don't take this in the wrong way, I'm not trying to harm anyone, and I never will.
The final problem I might have is Social Anxiety Disorder. This seems like it may go along with the former two, but it doesn't really fit. Since about, 6th grade, I've been afraid to meet new people. That is, for example, conversing with a new kid in class, or someone I've never talked to before. Specifically, I'm afraid to go the elementary school near my house, for fear of seeing anybody I don't know. When I want to head over, I first walk to where I can see it, and if anybody is there that I don't know, I'll head back home. Just thoughts of having to play basketball alongside a person I don't know makes my heart race. Just recently, I had a bad anxiety "attack" (I guess you could call it), where I got very nervous and "out-of-it" when some people showed up to play basketball with my friends and me, whom I've never met. This also applies to public speeches (even classroom presentations). I won't give a presentation unless it's in front of my class, the lights are down (so that I can't see the audience), and I'm not the complete center of attention (it is for this reason that I rely heavily on powerpoint for most of my presentations). The thought of having to go in front of the classroom, become the complete center of attention, and give a prepared presentation brings me half to death. I've gone home "sick" from school MANY times, to miss out on having to give a presentation (much to the chagrin of my work partners). This fear has left me basically stuck at home. I'm afraid to head into the much more people-filled areas of town. I refuse to go on vacations anywhere with my family (unfortunately meaning they can't go as well), because there are too many people in the usual vacation spots. Because it's summer time, and this sort of behavior is permitted from me (obviously I don't have many social ties) I've spent periods of DAYS inside.
What do you think?
I was pretty messed up when I was your age, lots of suicidal ideation, and I stole anything that wasn't nailed down. I muddled through without medication or therapy, but I am not exactly the poster child for mental health, and I wonder what could have been different in my life if I had asked for help.
From the sounds of things you do need some help, self diagnosis is a trap, and you are caught in it. You need someone to help you sort out the problems you may really have from the ones you think you do. Patient doctor confidentiality may not apply due to your age, but anything you say to a counselor will not be passed on unless you give them a good reason to. Start with an appointment at your family doctor, tell him/her a little about your anxiety, and answer the questions as honestly as you can. Hopefully they will kick you up the ladder to a proper shrink. Don't let them prescribe anything without a full series of consultations with a psychiatrist.
If they don't give you the opportunity to talk about all the stuff you wrote about, and nobody really takes you seriously, try different ways to access treatment. Do a google search for "youth mental health (your area)", and make an appointment to see a counselor that is experienced with people your age, if you live in a small town, look for something in the nearest large one.
It seems like you have drawn into yourself a lot, and are making a lot of assumptions about what is going on in your head without access to a larger frame of reference, or other peoples opinions. You need to open up again and communicate what you are feeling so you are not relying solely on your own judgement to decide what to do about the problems you have.
I do take you seriously, and PM me if you need advice on finding help, but I can't really do much for you other than that, I have my own problems.
"then again, if this is trollery, I bit, but I do not regret doing so, that was interesting to write"
- self-fulfilling prophecy
- you'll end up with depression either on its own or in addition to other disorders
- you may end up harming yourself in seeking a cure
- biased view of yourself
The most important thing to remember with psychological disorders is that everybody has traits in many disorders, so it's very easy to believe that you have a certain disorder upon reading about it. It's when these traits are taken to the extreme and interfere with normal functioning that they are considered disorders.
If you really think you have a problem, go see a professional and have a proper evaluation.