No, the lack of space between "Antisocial" and "Personality" wasn't a mistake, I just didn't have room to fit the whole thing. Also, by SAD I mean Social Anxiety Disorder. Sorry about the mouthful, but you can't describe my problem in few words. Please, only answer if you have something serious to say, I'm kind of looking for help, or a pseudo definition. Thanks for your time.
I didn't know if this was the write place to put this, but it seems appropriate.
This was written in the context of a community that is unlike &T, so please, be reasonable. inb4 tl;dr.
I'm 14 years old, and for the last 2 or so years, I've suspected I may have Paranoid Schizophrenia. For the last couple months, I've also conclude I may have Sociopathy/Psychopathy/Antisocial Personality Disorder/Whatever-you-want-to-call-it.
Let's start with the Schizophrenia. As mentioned above, for 2 years I've suspected I had this illness. Ever since that time, I've always had the fear that everyone could read my mind, or, more specifically, hear my thoughts, and see what I'm doing at all times. Not a specific person or group. though I fear much more that my classmates can "read" my mind (as defined above) due to obvious reasons, such as social scrutiny and what-not (more on that below). Every thing I do, that could be considered "wrong", any odd thoughts I have (such as philosophical inquiries, or more... sexual thoughts, also more on that below), I fear that everyone knows what I'm thinking, can hear my thoughts. I also fear that at any given time, they can, willingly, see what I'm doing, from a first or third person perspective. I also believe, that every one of them, including my friends, family, the whole world, has this ability, and only to observer MY thoughts and see what I'M doing. They also feel the need to not tell me at all. Everywhere I go, I check for signs in the people around me that they can hear my thoughts. For example, I'll think something, such as "Man, I'd f*ck her.", specifically naming a person, and watch for a response. I gather evidence, and compare the times when they have responded and have not, for a sense of "sureness" in what cannot possibly be. The most striking example, would be when I was at my brother's band recital. I thought something along the lines of "That kid looks really weird.", and a couple in front of me turned around. Now, I'm sure that I actually THOUGHT this, and didn't say it out loud. After that, almost sure they'd read my mind, I though "baby rape" (just to get their attention), and, sure enough, they turned around again. This, along with other evidence I've collected, has convinced me that they could read my mind, etc. I know these thoughts are not rational, but I can't help myself from having them. Ironically, the fear of others reading my mind just makes me more nervous, and think about more odd thoughts.
My second problem, is Sociopathy/Psychopathy/APD/whathaveyou. I've started to notice a lack of empathy I have for other people. How I could slit everyone in my classrooms throats, and not lose a minute of sleep. Including friends. I can't seem to put myself in their position, feel how they would feel, to care enough about their well being. Perhaps, it is just a lack of conscience that I have? Either way, I can't seem to attach myself to them in an emotional way. Also, along with this lack of feeling, I have fantasies (I guess you could call them that) about murdering entire people and entire families in their home, or other people that I could find in weak and secluded positions. I have thoughts of sneaking into houses with a gun, using plastic tie wraps (the one used to sort cables in electronics) to bound their hands and feet, and humiliate them. That is, only with families. For the humiliation, I think of making the family perform sexual acts on each other, and myself. All, with the threat of death looming in the air for each of them. I've planned out everything, to the point where I believe I could do this without being caught. I also fantasize of just plain murdering people, people on the street, alone. The thought of killing is not really for pleasure (except perhaps sexual, though that is not the entire motive), or personal gain. It's for a reason that cannot be explained with words. I really have no reason to want to, but a part of me is nagging at the possibility. I could control myself, not hurt anyone, and in fact, if you knew me you would probably refer to me as a pretty timid guy, but the fact is that if I knew I could get away with it, I probably would try to. Understand, I don't intend to actually harm anyone, but part of me wants to. I have control of this "inner-demon", but it lingers always. Please, don't take this in the wrong way, I'm not trying to harm anyone, and I never will.
The final problem I might have is Social Anxiety Disorder. This seems like it may go along with the former two, but it doesn't really fit. Since about, 6th grade, I've been afraid to meet new people. That is, for example, conversing with a new kid in class, or someone I've never talked to before. Specifically, I'm afraid to go the elementary school near my house, for fear of seeing anybody I don't know. When I want to head over, I first walk to where I can see it, and if anybody is there that I don't know, I'll head back home. Just thoughts of having to play basketball alongside a person I don't know makes my heart race. Just recently, I had a bad anxiety "attack" (I guess you could call it), where I got very nervous and "out-of-it" when some people showed up to play basketball with my friends and me, whom I've never met. This also applies to public speeches (even classroom presentations). I won't give a presentation unless it's in front of my class, the lights are down (so that I can't see the audience), and I'm not the complete center of attention (it is for this reason that I rely heavily on powerpoint for most of my presentations). The thought of having to go in front of the classroom, become the complete center of attention, and give a prepared presentation brings me half to death. I've gone home "sick" from school MANY times, to miss out on having to give a presentation (much to the chagrin of my work partners). This fear has left me basically stuck at home. I'm afraid to head into the much more people-filled areas of town. I refuse to go on vacations anywhere with my family (unfortunately meaning they can't go as well), because there are too many people in the usual vacation spots. Because it's summer time, and this sort of behavior is permitted from me (obviously I don't have many social ties) I've spent periods of DAYS inside.
What do you think?