Shaving your bunghole

I tried this once like two years ago, after noticing how ridiculously hairy and gross my asshole looked--like if the sandworm from Return of the Jedi had just barfed up Chewbacca and his family. Plus, there was a noticeable poop stench that infiltrated my nostrils whenever I opened my cheeks. So I marked the date on my calendar and eagerly awaited my scheduled manscaping appointment with my razor and shaving cream.

I started off simple--shaving the penis and scrotum area first, no problems there. The gooch was a bit trickier and required the lightest touch, but I was pleased with the job I had done. Now it was onto the anus itself, followed by both inner cheeks lining the crack all the way up. I imagined myself rubbing my smooth ass afterwards and giggling in delight.

I never got that far.

My first thought as I gently tickled my bum with my blade was that this was going to require immense concentration and surgical precision. Okay, I thought. Time to get serious. I had just begun to reach my cornhole when all of a sudden the phone rings, and, surprised, I dug the razor into my sphincter and pulled it out in half a second.

Ow.

Fuck. I knew I had cut myself. Forget the phone, I'll return the call. Let's look at the damage. I got a kleenex and wiped away the shaving cream, then held it over the offending area for a few seconds and pulled it away to assess the damage. Nothing too bad yet. A few specks of blood. But I know how long razor cuts can bleed, and I'm not too thrilled. I take a fresh kleenex and apply it, then draw my hand away in horror. It's dripping in blood.

There's blood gushing out of my anus and onto my white boxer shorts, on the floor, on my socks, down my leg. I start screaming. What do you do when your lifeblood is draining out of your ass? I ripped apart the tissue box and stuck a bunch down there, while at the same time trying to see the cut itself. This didn't work, because every time I lifted my scrotum and pressed my gooch out of the way to view my crack, a gusher of blood spewed forth and downwards.

I eventually cleaned the area and pressed heavily against the cut, pleading to the universe to make it stop. I felt lightheaded, so I sat down on my bed and waited for the bleeding to stop. It took 20 minutes. A river of blood had dried and crusted on my left thigh, and I showered it off.

For weeks afterwards, whenever I walked, that cut would cry out in anger and pain and leave me breathless. The first time I took a shit, as my asshole expanded, I could feel a ripping sensation, and I stared down into the bowl at a deep red war zone.

Today I decided to try it again. I nicked myself at just about the same area, but there was barely any blood. I decided that I was lucky and called it quits.

My asshole is still hairy and still smells. But at least it's full of blood. :thumbsup:

Comments

  • muffinsmuffins Regular
    edited August 2010
    maybe try some nair or whatever it is to dehair your asshole.
  • VizierVizier Regular
    edited August 2010
    LOL.

    Just, lol.
  • Hammer TankHammer Tank Regular
    edited August 2010
    LOL. thanks for sharing dude, I got several laughs at your expense. God gave me a hairy body and hairy it will remain.
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited August 2010
    *starts slow clap*
  • FingerBlasterFingerBlaster Regular
    edited August 2010
    wax that motherfucker :mad:
  • NamasteNamaste Regular
    edited August 2010
    muffins wrote: »
    maybe try some nair or whatever it is to dehair your asshole.

    NO. Don't. Really. I tried using it on my LEGS once, and it burned like effing HELL. I don't know if I'm allergic, or what, but I wouldn't try using something like that in such a sensitive area. I mean... I guess whoever can try whatever they want, but it just sounds like a bad idea to me. >.<
  • MayberryMayberry Regular
    edited August 2010
    First off, Ima let my nerdy side in. The sandworm you referred to is actually called a Sarlaac.

    Second, I feel for you. I tried to shave there with an electric razor once. Got halfway through then cut myself. Blades don't touch my ass hairs anymore. Hell, I don't even shave my pubes. A neat trim is all I do. Keeps my penis warm in the winter.
  • The GeneralThe General Regular
    edited August 2010
    makes it like sand paper down there after a few days. Hemorroids don't help either :(
  • MayberryMayberry Regular
    edited August 2010
    makes it like sand paper down there after a few days. Hemorroids don't help either :(

  • PigPig Regular
    edited August 2010
    That was almost HTS-worthy. Almost.
  • DysgraphiaDysgraphia Locked
    edited August 2010
    El-oh-el.
  • edited August 2010
    I laughed at your expense.
  • edited August 2010
    This sounds like some copypasta to me... But fuck, that was funny, and interesting. Now I never want to shave my cornhole.
  • SHANE14SHANE14 Regular
    edited August 2010
    Haha, sounds horrible man. Just another reason for me to never shave my cornhole..

    EDIT: One of the first times I trimmed my pubes, I was kinda rushing and ended up knicking my nutsack. It wasn't a big cut at all but it bled a fair bit and scared the shit out of me..

    DOUBLE EDIT: I also got my wang in my fly once. I was freeballing in jeans (don't ask) and was in a hurry. I took a piss and pulled up my fly, and the "seam" bit of my foreskin got caught, right where it meets the knob... Wasn't too bad, but still, it was a fucking horrible experience
  • sAINTsAINT Regular
    edited August 2010
    The wording you chose was excellent. I love these threads
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited August 2010
    Lulz, what can I say. I trim my pubes and before reading the content of this thread, I had actually thought about trimming my Ass Jungle. But now thanks to you, my Jungle willprosper into a Tropical Hair Forest.
  • edited August 2010
    Dfg wrote: »
    Lulz, what can I say. I trim my pubes and before reading the content of this thread, I had actually thought about trimming my Ass Jungle. But now thanks to you, my Jungle willprosper into a Tropical Hair Forest.

    Same here. How about trimming with some scissors or something?
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited August 2010
    trx100 wrote: »
    Same here. How about trimming with some scissors or something?

    That option sounds nice. I might try it today :D.
  • JackedJacked Regular
    edited July 2011
    You are a legend! Luv slow clap
  • MorningsideMorningside Regular
    edited July 2011
    Jacked wrote: »
    You are a legend! Luv slow clap

    Necromancer.gif
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