Time's up for me - a few words

edited December 2011 in Spurious Generalities
[If a mod feels this doesn't belong here for whatever reason, go ahead and edit, move or delete it - I can't stop you and won't complain if you do, but look over it and give it a chance first.]

My fellow Totseans,

On the 10th of this month I'll be taking a lethal dose of sodium pentobarbital (disclaimer - hypothetically, of course. I'd never do such a thing. Life is sacred :o). I've been putting this off for far too long but practical issues just kept coming up. I'm still here in the meantime.

Why?

Mainly boredom. This world sucks. There's too little in it that interests me. The idea of getting married, having kids and working 9 - 5 for the next fifty years is depressing enough on its own to make me reach for a razor. If it were possible to hook myself up to a machine like in Inception or The Matrix and spend 20 hours a day lucid dreaming I'd stay for sure, but unfortunately it's not. For the good and the bad, I'm pretty satisfied with the run I've had so far in life and would like to walk out now before it just becomes a distant memory.

I'm sick of people. I hate humanity more than words can describe. People are shallow, ignorant, arrogant, materialistic, hypocritical, hedonistic and unnecessarily cruel - 99% of them. They mindlessly follow orders no matter how wrong or unjustified they might be. Whatever they might claim or even believe, they are ultimately just mercenaries, bowing to whatever the immediate power is. Might makes right. The only people who aren't are terrorists, suicide bombers and other devout activists who do what they do not for money or status or because 'someone told them to' or because they were 'just doing their job', but because of their absolute devotion to their cause. The rest are just amoeba... cattle - If that. They don't give a damn about ethics, freedom or democracy. As long as their little bubble is safe that's all they care about.

The world is becoming far too big brother-ish for my liking. HD CCTV cameras going up everywhere, every financial transaction having to be recorded, biometric and DNA databases, internet censorship and monitoring, soon-to-be fingerprint verification for everything, mass-survailence of every kind with no privacy or anonymity left at all. Looking at DFG's Spy Files thread makes it abundantly clear that the technology available for these purposes is staggering. I'd like to be able to go for a walk in the park without having to be fingerprint ID'd first and having facial recognition cameras on every tree following me about. One day it will happen. I'd far rather be blown up than have to be subjected to all that crap in the name of 'protection' and 'national security'. Of course it can be slowed and fought by those who know what they're doing, but not forever. The internet is the final frontier, but even that, I think, will fall eventually. I know the likes of Wikileaks, Anonymous and you guys will put up a good fight and I commend you for that, but still, that is not a world I want to be a part of.

I can honestly say discovering Totse was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me - I really can't imagine what life was like without it. When the original Totse died and Zoklet was nominated as the official replacement I took one look at the place and never touched it again. Same with Totse 2. I'm not dissing Totse 2 and it actually seems to be pretty decent but there was just something about DFG's Totse that struck a chord with me and I never looked back. As much as I disagree with his decision to diverge from the original Totse, if it weren't for him I wouldn't have had this platform at all. To all the 'old' night ops people and everyone else I've got to know as a result of finding Totse - you guys are awesome - it's been a pleasure being in the community with you. TDR - you've been a dick to me on occasion but I've actually come to like you (unless you move this thread, that is). You're the type of person this forum needs to keep going strong.

Kaiser :cool:

My view on suicide for all the people who'll inevitably flame me for it


Why is there such a stigma and revulsion of suicide in the west? Largely due to religion. All the non-Abrahamic religions have far more tolerant and reasonable stances on suicide. In Ancient Rome and Greece, to say nothing of Japan, suicide was seen as a perfectly acceptable and honorable thing to do for many reasons. It's also the mark of a weak society. People want to flutter through their shallow, hedonistic lives without having to face anything serious or greater than themselves.

Death is part of life and is something to be embraced with grace and humility, not fearfully fended off with drugs and respirators. Old age is not the only 'valid' form of death. Early death can be just as natural. If every living creature had to only die of old age the world would be very, very crowded. If we are willing to euthanize animals that are in serious pain and have no chance of recovery, why not humans? Where does all this 'life at all costs', 'quantity over quality' rubbish come from? The belief is that a healthy person wanting to kill themselves is not normal and needs help. Although often the case, that is a fundamentally flawed view and simply not true. It certainly isn't true for me. They call suicide unnatural and a 'crime against nature'. True, killing oneself does go against nature but so does much of what we do as modern humans. Biologically, the purpose of life is to a) survive, and b), more importantly, reproduce. By that logic, people that choose not to have children are committing an even greater 'crime'.

My great uncle recently died at 84 of some kind of cancer. Would suicide not have been the best option for him? He could've died a dignified death on his own terms but instead, through fear and/or religious belief he clung on right to the last despite the agony, incontinence and humiliation. So presumably, he died lying in a pool of his own piss and shit. I don't see anything honourable or respect-worthy about that.

People say suicide is for cowards who are 'taking the easy way out'. They say that it's selfish because of how it affects those left behind. When someone is suffering in some serious way - mental or physical - but won't kill themself out of a sense of guilt or because of what is essentially emotional blackmail by their families, who's really being selfish? Believe me, bringing yourself to actually carry out a serious suicide attempt takes far more courage and strength than simply hobbling on and hoping things will get better. Those are the weak cowards.
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Comments

  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited December 2011
    Nigger are you serious?! I do hope this isn't a grand way of saying goodbye to &T and not killing yourself.
    I've had near death experiences and suicide attempts, and am so glad I continued to live. Why? Because although the world stagnates or gets worse, you can shape your own world.

    Who says you have to get married, work 9-5 or have kids? I don't intend on doing any of those three, but I ain't gonna pop my clogs yet. Believe - I had a plan to blow my brains out on my 30th birthday and even made a suicide vest out of shotgun shells and other bits.

    Also why the 10th? How are links with your family, because that Christmas would suck for them. I aint trying to guilt trip you here, but for me, the only thing that stopped me jumping 120ft head-first onto a motorway was firstly my friends who would "kill" me if I committed suicide - if you get me, and my family who have been so helpful to me throughout my life. I hope you can experience some life-changing experience within the next week. ToTSE has saved my life. Literally. I've met 3 ToTSEans in real life, and here goes why:
    • Tordek Battlehammer, who educated me about drugs, and how I could have died had I taken MDMA or the like, and for keeping me alive.
    • reject, for an awesome weekend and just general lulz
    • CotDeath, who was actually a guy I went to school with

    Maybe you should hop on Teamspeak and get chatting? I do when I'm in a shit mood. Locking myself in my room for 3 days and sleeping all day just to avoid people, only to be changed when I chat to those who frequent Teamspeak.
    As for the CCTV issue, Big Brother is only as big as you think. Yes, the world is full of corruption, but I'm sure things will change at some point. If you kill yourself, the Man has won. I hate Society, but use it to my advantage. People are easily manipulated, most are sheep, but every once in a while you find people who fit the &T persona and can feel normal for a time. Life is a journey, and hopefuly you find more people like this.

    Seriously, I fucking hope you reconsider. And TDR although a guy that might scare you, has been a huge help to me personally. I won't go into details, but speaking to those who are older has proved invaluable. Logging in and recognising Dark Kaiser Redux from the old days brings back memories, so you will be missed.
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited December 2011
    Come on TS, I would like to talk to you one last time before you depart. Don't worry I wouldn't try to stop you from doing what you must but I just want to talk to you and really get to know you before you pass away. At least it would be something that I would tell my future grand children's about. I know life sucks, I know you hate the world but where there is hate, there is also love. Let the universe guide you, normally I wouldn't care if people died, but honestly Totseans are already a rare breed and it would be a tragic loss to lose you in this fashion. I know I partly joke about killing people but that's just a joke, in reality I value human life and experience. Even though you find that your life is worthless and it wouldn't amount to anything but if you just think you can see a world where you can actually spread your wings.

    Instead of ending your life and saying fuck it, why not start sharing your sorrow, your hate, your emotion regarding everything in the form of words or articles and let us spread your message, so you will become a beacon of reality for everyone and I am sure you will be able to find people who are feeling the same pain as you are. Bro, know when I say this, quitting isn't going to change anything, the world is a fucked up ride, you just need to get yourself in the correct wagon. You already took the right step sticking with us, now let's help you become better or let's ease your pain and show you a different world.

    You don't need to be hooked in The Matrix or AI systems, what you need is to just sit back and talk and talk, and keep a company of like minded individuals who will Listen and help you ease out your twisted emotions. I know not everyone is built the same but I am sure deep inside we all can understand each other, your view of the world is harsh and unfiltered at best but you're also not viewing the other aspects. It's like me watching the world for what it is, a big worthless machine that just keeps rotating, the cultures come and go, the races live and die, everything is bound to die in the end. But that doesn't not mean you should end your life and go into the world of darkness, it's not about fearing what's going to happen the light goes out, it's just about giving up.

    You're a Totsean. You're blessed with company of real people who can honestly help you. Don't take the easy way out, at least not until you have really given it a shot. Anyone can type tons of words, but at this stage you need someone you can talk to and share your views with. Again, TeamSpeak. You might be shy, you might have some deep issues, but trust me, you will not be let down. We're a family, we need to look after each other.

    <3

    You really haven't seen the true version of my totse, it's a utopia for people like us where we all mingle and really help each other. You just got a glimpse of it from totse.info. the real version hasn't been revealed yet. So, don't die on us when we need you the most.
  • angryonionangryonion Just some guy
    edited December 2011
    I hope this is just a troll thread.
  • RaulRaul Semo-Regulars
    edited December 2011
    Very rarely throughout my Totsean life would I come out from lurking to post something. DKR, it would be a true shame to lose you. Granted, I've never met you personally, but I've come to hold you in high regard from reading your material all those years ago. I don't know your situation, but know that there's people in this community who would hate to see you go - myself being one of them.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    DKR, I am only a dick from a thespian aspect when needed to achieve a goal. But thanks for the kind words. If you are serious about your OP then nothing anyone can say here will stop you. See you on the other side when I get there. Me, ima stick around and fuck with the bastard cuz I love a good fight.
  • imoscardotcomimoscardotcom Acolyte
    edited December 2011
    Can't say I find any faults with your reasoning, however I do believe that if ever there were a time in history for serious change, this is it. The internet has given us immense freedom and power against oppressive governments, and the efforts of groups like Demand Progress suggest that their are no shortage of people wanting to protect these values. Change will always be slow going and the world will probably still be a bit of a shithole for a while yet, but by using places such as totse to spread our ideas I believe we can bring about a better world.

    Anyway, should you still choose to go through with your plan, know that atleast in the world of totse, a mind of your caliber will be missed. This bowl is in your honor.
  • MeloncholyMeloncholy Regular
    edited December 2011
    I know nothing of your situation other than what you've posted. From that alone, I would say don't fucking do it you clown!

    Being turned off by the idea of the 9-5/suburban house/wife/kids lifestyle is not a reason to kill yourself; it's a liberation. Being pissed off with the country you live in and most of the people in it isn't a reason to give up; it's a reason to say "fuck 'em" and live for YOU, by your own values and for your own amusement.

    Post this thread in 30 years time when you haven't got a lifetime of hellraising in front of you.
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the meaningful words everyone - I can't respond to everything but it's all very much understood and appreciated though unfortunately the decision is final. I've spent ages thinking over all the things that you guys mentioned but it still seems like the right thing to do. I don't really consider it quitting at all. There've been many times in my life where I've felt suicidal because of depression or other 'worldly' things. I'm thankful that those attempts failed because now I can do it in what I feel is the right way.
    RemadE wrote: »
    Nigger are you serious?! I do hope this isn't a grand way of saying goodbye to &T and not killing yourself.

    Afraid so. I suppose the only way to 'prove' it would to give one of you guys my Facebook and you'd see it on there. Though obviously I'd only do that at the last minute lest someone tries to thwart my plans, heh.
    RemadE wrote:
    Also why the 10th? How are links with your family, because that Christmas would suck for them. I aint trying to guilt trip you here, but for me, the only thing that stopped me jumping 120ft head-first onto a motorway was firstly my friends who would "kill" me if I committed suicide - if you get me, and my family who have been so helpful to me throughout my life.

    Unfortunately, perhaps, the links are very good. It was always meant to be November 30th at the absolute latest but the last few months just flew by and practical concerns kept coming up. One being that I was really hoping to find a method other than hanging or shooting and thankfully this one became available. The other being that I didn't want to have to do it so close to Christmas for my family's sake. That's another reason why I won't leave it any later than the 10th.
    RemadE wrote:
    Maybe you should hop on Teamspeak and get chatting? I do when I'm in a shit mood. Locking myself in my room for 3 days and sleeping all day just to avoid people, only to be changed when I chat to those who frequent Teamspeak.
    Dfg wrote: »
    Come on TS, I would like to talk to you one last time before you depart. Don't worry I wouldn't try to stop you from doing what you must but I just want to talk to you and really get to know you before you pass away.

    Yeah, I'll definitely make an effort to get on tomorrow or so.
    Dfg wrote: »
    Instead of ending your life and saying fuck it, why not start sharing your sorrow, your hate, your emotion regarding everything in the form of words or articles and let us spread your message, so you will become a beacon of reality for everyone and I am sure you will be able to find people who are feeling the same pain as you are.

    I do regret not writing more because I know at least some of it would be of use to others. I used to write a lot for myself in a semi-journal format some years ago but stopped. I'm really glad I did. Reading over it gives me a far greater insight into myself as I was back then than if I had to just think back.
    Dfg wrote: »
    You really haven't seen the true version of my totse, it's a utopia for people like us where we all mingle and really help each other. You just got a glimpse of it from totse.info. the real version hasn't been revealed yet. So, don't die on us when we need you the most.

    It's a shame I won't get to see it but I'm sure it will be awsome :thumbsup:
    Raul wrote: »
    Very rarely throughout my Totsean life would I come out from lurking to post something. DKR, it would be a true shame to lose you. Granted, I've never met you personally, but I've come to hold you in high regard from reading your material all those years ago. I don't know your situation, but know that there's people in this community who would hate to see you go - myself being one of them.

    Thank you.
    See you on the other side when I get there. Me, ima stick around and fuck with the bastard cuz I love a good fight.

    Likewise :thumbsup:
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    If we wanted to thwart your plans we would just give your IP to the authorities.
  • PsychlonicPsychlonic Regular
    edited December 2011
    James, I'll be blunt. I know you've talked about doing this for years now, it comes up time and again. I've been around to hear you try anything to escape "the grind". Schemes that keep you employed without having to seek employment. Credit info, scams of all sorts really, even trying a make or break scramble out of the country to somewhere else entirely. But it seems to me that you want to keep at least one foot into the system and one foot out. You want to live in that boring world enjoying the benefits but being above the mundane aspects. It's comfortable and you don't want to make too dramatic of a change to your life. In short, I would guess you'd love to live in a developed country but without having to work a day in your life and having no worries.

    It seems that you've begun to think this is a hopeless endeavor and thinking it impossible, why bother to live?

    You have options, you haven't even explored many of them. Here in the US, monthly storage unit rates are right around $25/month. (Edit - You can do this like 100 miles from me, I'd even be willing to personally point out where to do all of this). You can literally move here, stay at a homeless shelter, work a day at a temporary labor company and have enough money to rent storage then go wild. From there, you can keep working or do more "extreme" income enterprises with a spot to store your stuff. You can make your own wind turbines, solar panels, water wheels, etc. then go rent an absolutely cheap house supplying a few "modern necessities" like your computer with electricity and relying on other methods to store and cook food, lighting, etc. Let me assure you, there is absolutely NOTHING boring about living a self-sufficient lifestyle, you are always busy.

    Too mundane for you? Ok. Rob a bank. You're committing suicide anyways, right? What are they going to do? Shoot you? Worried you'll live? Suicide in prison is easy. You gave it a good run.

    Don't feel like going out on such a high note? Ok, save your funding at the homeless shelter, rent a small shop, and buy a chump car and race the fuck out of it trying to win money.

    Don't know how to do ANY of this? You have stuff to do then, start learning.

    If you want to kill yourself, so be it. But don't do it with the excuse that the world is boring and there's nothing you can do about it. Humans have a gift. We can dream of things far beyond here and now, things greater than what already exists. More importantly, we have bodies capable of turning dream into reality. Whatever you're looking for in life, you won't find it in death.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited December 2011
    Is it sad that a thread on &T made me shed a tear?

    It's this one.
  • ArkansanArkansan Regular
    edited December 2011
    I'm new here and had no history to speak of on the old &T but it seems a shame to you see you go. I can respect your decision as I imagine it's a difficult one to make, I understand what you mean as there are days where I too feel a revulsion at the very thought of the teeming masses of humanity that surround me and the general Orwellian direction of the world at large. I am finding the more I read that the regulars around here are the kind of people that I find to be a breath of fresh air compared to the cretins at large, it would be a sore blow to a dull world to lose one. The last thing I would want to do is preach but reconsider if you can, there are interesting people to meet and challenges to overcome, shape your world in the image you choose to the best of your ability and means. I went through a period a about 5 years ago where I had considered something similar to what you have decided on, what worked for me was to try and look every interesting and genuine person met, every bit of new knowledge and every situation I managed to work in my favor, as a victory over the world itself. I would agree with Meloncholy, try to look at your aversion to the 9-5 wife and kids grind as a freedom, you aren't inhibited by the typical desires, so use it to your advantage.

    Anyway I do hope that you reconsider, but if you don't I understand, there is something to be said for sticking to your guns so to speak. I hope to see you around here for many years to come, but if not I will sorely regret not having known you better.
  • edited December 2011
    Psychlonic wrote: »
    James, I'll be blunt. I know you've talked about doing this for years now, it comes up time and again. I've been around to hear you try anything to escape "the grind". Schemes that keep you employed without having to seek employment. Credit info, scams of all sorts really, even trying a make or break scramble out of the country to somewhere else entirely. But it seems to me that you want to keep at least one foot into the system and one foot out. You want to live in that boring world enjoying the benefits but being above the mundane aspects. It's comfortable and you don't want to make too dramatic of a change to your life. In short, I would guess you'd love to live in a developed country but without having to work a day in your life and having no worries.

    It seems that you've begun to think this is a hopeless endeavor and thinking it impossible, why bother to live?

    You have options, you haven't even explored many of them. Here in the US, monthly storage unit rates are right around $25/month. (Edit - You can do this like 100 miles from me, I'd even be willing to personally point out where to do all of this). You can literally move here, stay at a homeless shelter, work a day at a temporary labor company and have enough money to rent storage then go wild. From there, you can keep working or do more "extreme" income enterprises with a spot to store your stuff. You can make your own wind turbines, solar panels, water wheels, etc. then go rent an absolutely cheap house supplying a few "modern necessities" like your computer with electricity and relying on other methods to store and cook food, lighting, etc. Let me assure you, there is absolutely NOTHING boring about living a self-sufficient lifestyle, you are always busy.

    Too mundane for you? Ok. Rob a bank. You're committing suicide anyways, right? What are they going to do? Shoot you? Worried you'll live? Suicide in prison is easy. You gave it a good run.

    Don't feel like going out on such a high note? Ok, save your funding at the homeless shelter, rent a small shop, and buy a chump car and race the fuck out of it trying to win money.

    Don't know how to do ANY of this? You have stuff to do then, start learning.

    If you want to kill yourself, so be it. But don't do it with the excuse that the world is boring and there's nothing you can do about it. Humans have a gift. We can dream of things far beyond here and now, things greater than what already exists. More importantly, we have bodies capable of turning dream into reality. Whatever you're looking for in life, you won't find it in death.

    As I said, I'm fundamentally against the common belief that people must live, 'just because'. I don't want to be pitied but I don't want to be held in contempt either for being a lazy coward.

    My attempt in February last year failed due to a stupid technical oversight on my part. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure you even knew I went through with it. Not knowing that, I can see how I could've come across as an indecisive attention whore. Before that date I do remember discussing it on and off but on a mostly philosophical level. I was lucky to have come out of it with no brain damage as is sometimes the result of a failed but 'close-call' carbon monixide death.

    Anyway. Afterwards I decided to give life a chance again. I was able to keep myself occupied for a while before the weariness set in again. I decided that going to the UK would be a good move for me. A way to get away from what I knew and do something 'fresh'. Barely a week after getting there it once again hit me that even that was not something I particularly wanted. I came back and got to work cleaning up the trail of devestation I'd left behind. Once back home I decided to give life here one last chance. I had to know that I'd tried everything before calling it quits so that I'd have no regrets or questions nagging at my mind as to things I could have perhaps done. Over the course of a month or two a number of things happened (I don't think it's neseccary to mention them) that made me realise without a doubt that life was not something I was interested in pursuing. I definitely had a good long think about your self-sufficiency lifestyle. It had a lot of appeal, but still not enough.

    Would I have liked to have lived a first-world lifestyle without having to work? Of course! I don't think anyone in their right mind wouldn't but I never said that that was what I wanted to do in life.

    I'm not doing this because I can't make life work, I'm doing it because I don't want to. There's a difference, at least to me. It was you that spoke about the liberation and power that comes from rising above the fear of death. You were right. There's no other way I could've achieved that.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    If you are really going to do it then do it in a way that will change he world for the better even in a small way. Find some corrupt politician, a pedophile, or even a top level world type corporate banker, take them out and make the cops take you out, while wearing a .info T-shirt of course.
  • Ad NauseamAd Nauseam Acolyte
    edited December 2011
    Of all the things I was expecting to read here tonight, it wasn't this. I remember all the times I planned for this kind if thing. But for once, cowardice has it's benefits. If you can carry this through, I suppose I have to be a little proud. It takes a lot of commitment, so well done.

    At the same time. It's a shame. Not because I know you, just because you're part of the furniture around here. Kind of like breaking a mirror that's been at home for years.

    Are you going to send out your Christmas cards early? That might be a thoughtful thing to do.
  • RogueEagle91RogueEagle91 Regular
    edited December 2011
    Well, shit, man.
    I'm not around here as much as I'd like, but I've always thought you were a pretty solid chap.
    It'd be a shame to think you're not here, or anywhere else.
    It's your decision, bud, through and through.
    Despite the widely accepted notion, you're never too young to go.
    Especially on your own terms.
    People die every goddamn day.
    To me, suicide is a hell of a lot more dignified way to go than being old and senile.
    Can't honestly say I've never been in the same boat as you.
    The more time you have to think about how everything seems like complete shit, the more you want to detach yourself from it.
    The worst part is, you can't always do anything about it.
    Running, in any form, takes money.

    What you're talking about doing doesn't take cowardice.
    It takes balls.
    I tip my hat to you, man.
    Make sure to buy us all a round of shots in the afterlife, will ya?
  • chippychippy <b style="color:pink;">Global Moderator</b>
    edited December 2011
    I've been thinking about what to reply to this thread most of the day. I now you're probably not a religious person, but I mentioned your post to our minister this morning before our service. At a guess, about 75 people prayed for you this morning and again this evening. I've been where you are at this moment. Lost a wife and a child in a car accident. Lost my job and my house because I couldn't hold it together. The whole world was turning to shit at the height of the cold war. We were under daily threat of the nuclear holocaust, bombs were going off all over England from the IRA. When it came down to it though I didn't have the guts. I thank God I didn't now. I married again some time later and have 4 beautiful kids now. You never know what's round the corner. I really hope you reconsider this. But if it's inevitable, I wish you well in the next life.
  • PsychlonicPsychlonic Regular
    edited December 2011
    If you are really going to do it then do it in a way that will change he world for the better even in a small way. Find some corrupt politician, a pedophile, or even a top level world type corporate banker, take them out and make the cops take you out, while wearing a .info T-shirt of course.

    This is pretty much what I'm getting at. I'm not accusing you of being an attention whore or suggesting you live for the sake of simply being alive. I'm saying that your premise of wanting to die is in my opinion completely wrong. The world is only as boring and hopeless as you make it to be, you can break the rules and live on your own terms if you have the nerve to do so. Wanting to die if anything empowers you to do as TDR has just suggested because you literally have nothing to lose. But if you want to continue to find excuses for not being able to do that, you'll have to excuse me for calling BS on you saying you're not taking the easy way out because it sounds to me like you are. If you think guys like me are just mindlessly floating down the river of life all to meet the same end, then you've been spending too much time assuming things while deep in thought. This is normally where a person should say "no offense" but there's really no non-offensive way to say this - suicide is for those too weak to take what they want from life. If that's true, then I can't say any of this matters to me because you might as well already be dead.

    It was good knowing you. Truthfully.
  • edited December 2011
    Honestly, my reasons do go significantly deeper and beyond what I've said here. Boredom is actually less than half of it. I treasure all that my life has been so far - particularly the last 5 - 9 years. At this point those years are still relatively recent and I want to leave now while they're still real. In 10 or 20 years they won't be. They'll just turn to sand and become a distant memory, and I won't let that happen. All the things that I've wanted in my life and have strived (previously unsuccessfully) to obtain, I finally did this year. I realised which of them I really wanted and which of them weren't me at all. I was quite satisfied with having done that.

    And yes, it was good knowing you too.

    Chippy - thank you, really. I don't believe in any religion but I suppose I lean slightly more towards agnosticism than athiesm so who knows.
  • ThirdRockFromTheSunThirdRockFromTheSun <b style="color:blue;">Third<em style="color:pink;">Cock</em>FromThe<em style="color:brown;">Bum</em
    edited December 2011
    You're a good man, DKR, and I've enjoyed reading your posts during my time on &T. I hope what ever you decide to do on the 10th will find you peace, and happiness. If I were to try and talk you out of it, I know it'll be useless. Any loss of a life is tragic, and you'll be no different. I can see your reasoning, if you want to end it, go ahead, we don't want to stop you. Not because we don't care for you, but because it's your choice. All I can say is I'll miss you when the time comes bro, and you'll be in my thoughts. Good luck buddy, I hope everything goes well for you.
  • edited December 2011
    Can someone give me the Teamspeak details, the ones I have don't seem to work.
  • PsychlonicPsychlonic Regular
    edited December 2011
    Fair enough, man. Good luck in the great unknown, if there's even anything after we're dead. If by some chance there exists a level for life to continue in consciously, make an effort to haunt me or something haha. I default believe in death resulting in eternal failure of conscious so I'm in no rush to die until proven otherwise. If I honestly believed in afterlife, I'd be the most religious fucking freak this planet has ever seen.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited December 2011
    Can someone give me the Teamspeak details, the ones I have don't seem to work.

    ts84.light-speed.com:4723
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited December 2011
    Psychlonic wrote: »
    Too mundane for you? Ok. Rob a bank. You're committing suicide anyways, right? What are they going to do? Shoot you? Worried you'll live? Suicide in prison is easy. You gave it a good run.

    Don't feel like going out on such a high note? Ok, save your funding at the homeless shelter, rent a small shop, and buy a chump car and race the fuck out of it trying to win money.

    This, man. Go swim with Sharks, skydiving, make a bomb or just fuck someone up before you go. Like Psychlonic said, whatever you want in life - you won't find in death.
    I know it's hard to change your mind if you're truly committed, but your family are always here for you. We all have the power to change the world, but it's just figuring how to do it. Injustices happen every second of every day, and soon enough the people will be pissed off enough to do something.
    I hope.
    I just want to live in a Post Apocalyptic world and see it all go to shit. No morals, no ties with people I have to see and certainly no laws. We all live the dream in our heads, and whatever gets us through the day works.
  • edited December 2011
    Tomorrow/Friday is the last day I'll be online so hopefully some of you guys can get on Teamspeak or Skype. Do try.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    I will be at the VA hospital for most of the day tomorrow but I will be in TeamSpeak after like 5 PM GMT -5.
  • TheWitchDoctorTheWitchDoctor Regular
    edited December 2011
    Even though it's your choice DKR, I really hope you change your mind before the 10th, and I think everyone here feels the same. Losing a fellow Totsean is like losing a family member. If you do go through with it know that you'll always be missed and remembered. I'll pour out a 40 for you and paint a memorial freight.
  • RiskRisk New Arrival
    edited December 2011
    People say suicide is for cowards who are 'taking the easy way out'. They say that it's selfish because of how it affects those left behind. When someone is suffering in some serious way - mental or physical - but won't kill themself out of a sense of guilt or because of what is essentially emotional blackmail by their families, who's really being selfish? Believe me, bringing yourself to actually carry out a serious suicide attempt takes far more courage and strength than simply hobbling on and hoping things will get better. Those are the weak cowards.

    You seem as though you are trying to convince yourself.
  • RiskRisk New Arrival
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, my reasons do go significantly deeper and beyond what I've said here. Boredom is actually less than half of it. I treasure all that my life has been so far - particularly the last 5 - 9 years. At this point those years are still relatively recent and I want to leave now while they're still real. In 10 or 20 years they won't be. They'll just turn to sand and become a distant memory, and I won't let that happen. All the things that I've wanted in my life and have strived (previously unsuccessfully) to obtain, I finally did this year. I realised which of them I really wanted and which of them weren't me at all. I was quite satisfied with having done that.

    And yes, it was good knowing you too.

    Chippy - thank you, really. I don't believe in any religion but I suppose I lean slightly more towards agnosticism than athiesm so who knows.

    You memories will become aged whether you are alive or not. Your good memories will only become "diluted" with mediocre ones if you let them. At least when you are alive you will be able to remember them. I agree with Psychlonic when he says that suicide is for those who can't take what they want from life. You have made it clear that you have the ability to enjoy life and obviously there could be more you could take from it, whether you have discovered it or not.

    There is no concious afterlife. This doesn't mean that life is pointless, because it is all we have. However it does mean death is pointless.
    You are in a very powerful position, in a position not everyone gets to be in: you have nothing to lose. Don't throw that away.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited December 2011
    chippy wrote: »
    I've been thinking about what to reply to this thread most of the day. I now you're probably not a religious person, but I mentioned your post to our minister this morning before our service. At a guess, about 75 people prayed for you this morning and again this evening.

    I'm not a strictly religious guy - rather Spiritual, but that just made me respect you a helluva lot more. You're so mild mannered and friendly. Hope you're on Teamspeak tonight :) I've been thinking of DKR a helluva lot this week and I had a friend die last Wednesday who was a scholar. He and others brought me up (insert Hitman cliche here) and that was enough, now knowing this is round the corner - but whatever is best for that person at the time.

    Sorry, slightly pointless, but needed to say it.
    *group hug*
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    Well DKR, I am gald we had a brief moment to speak in TS. I went to grab a pen to write down some directions and when I returned you were gone. I hope the sky is still above you when I finish with my day long adventure at the VA hospital so we can talk some more before you do anything.
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, sorry about that. Uncle and cousin came over unannounced. I've decided I'll be on tomorrow too - I could do with the company.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    OK, well I have come to a decision. If you go through with this I am resigning as GM and leaving totse.info.
  • edited December 2011
    Well that is 'emotional' blackmail. Don't do that, seriously.

    Date has been changed to tomorrow night.

    1. Stayed up later than I intended last night and way overslept this morning.
    2. I have to be somwhere this evening which only ends at 10 and that doesn't leave me enough time to prepare.
    3. Doing it tonight only leaves me about 6 hours until 'discovery', whereas tomorrow night will leave me at least 12.
  • ThirdRockFromTheSunThirdRockFromTheSun <b style="color:blue;">Third<em style="color:pink;">Cock</em>FromThe<em style="color:brown;">Bum</em
    edited December 2011
    So, DRK. Will you be leaving some kind of message for when you're discovered? Maybe a handwritten message to loved ones, explaining why you've done what you've done? Or are you just going to 'leave quietly'?
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited December 2011
    My Internet went down due to a fire on campus (yay!) hence why I couldn't get online from about 5pm yesterday.
    Assuming nothing happens to me today, I'll be on Teamspeak tonight.
  • edited December 2011
    So, DRK. Will you be leaving some kind of message for when you're discovered? Maybe a handwritten message to loved ones, explaining why you've done what you've done? Or are you just going to 'leave quietly'?

    Absolutely, it's the least they deserve. I've spent probably the last week writing it. It's long. I actually wonder if I should write it by hand or just print it?

    Another issue for the delay is that I'll have to eat tonight which is a problem since I need to fast 12 hours before taking the drug.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    It may be blackmail but there you have it.
  • chippychippy <b style="color:pink;">Global Moderator</b>
    edited December 2011
    OK, well I have come to a decision. If you go through with this I am resigning as GM and leaving totse.info.

    Add me to this too.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited December 2011
    Well DKR. If I don't make it onto teamspeak, then this is goodbye. It was an honour to have met you and you will be missed by myself and the community. I have to say I have thought of you a lot since your announcement and I hope you find peace where ever that may be. I know that your mind is probably made up but I hope that you have a change of heart and reconsider your decision to end your life. There isn't much more I can say really.

    See you in another life mate. We won't forget you.

    Daktologist.
  • edited December 2011
    Very good thing that I put it off till tomorrow/Sunday. Just got home now (way later than I expected) so if I hadn't, I'd never have been able to do everything. I'll make a point to get on Skype/TeamSpeak tomorrow to give a 'formal' address to those on and to respond to the various messages recieved. I'll also make a final post in here as well so don't say goodbye quite yet. I still have things I need to say but for now, I'm exhausted.
  • dr rockerdr rocker Regular
    edited December 2011
    Your reasons are yours, but the world is a big enough place for to escape from them. I have advised you on method on the past and using what you are using may do for cats and dogs, but you are going to need to put a shit load in you for it to work - that or mix it with some pretty strong depressants you can get into yourself easier. Have you planned for who will find you and what you will do to appease the feelings you have?

    No, in your frame of mind, what should be done is undertake an adventure. Your pain is brought on by the hopelessness of life. Realise it is a game and get competative. You might never win, but it will be fun trying. Fuck off to Montana, or Alaska or some place in Canada. Take some supplies but plan to live in the wilderness. Best case scenario, you find yourself and thrive, worst case you fuck up and die - SO - its either all good, or you give life a few months of trying and let it take you naturally.

    If you have so little on earth you can end your own life, you have so little you can be with yourself in the wilderness and it not matter.

    No one here would think any the less if you did not do it, we all know you must mean it by now, but we would rather you did not.
  • GoingNowhereGoingNowhere Global Moderator
    edited December 2011
    Mate, you will be sorely missed and Im am truly sorry that it has come to such an action. I really hope you dont do this, but I do respect your decision. You have been a good person, a good Totsean, and a friend to all of us. I cant say any more to reverse your decision than others have so I will not, so God bless and see you in the afterlife, you will not be forgotten.

    "Suicide isnt painless, when you leave everyone in pain" NOFX :(
  • edited December 2011
    I'll be on TS in about 3 hours and then will make a post here afterwards.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    You should have been in TS yesterday bro there were a 6 or 7 of us in there all day yesterday.
  • chippychippy <b style="color:pink;">Global Moderator</b>
    edited December 2011
    Even someone who hates TS
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited December 2011
    Yeah even that guy that hates TS was there but it was not chippy.
  • edited December 2011
    Mate, you will be sorely missed and Im am truly sorry that it has come to such an action. I really hope you dont do this, but I do respect your decision. You have been a good person, a good Totsean, and a friend to all of us. I cant say any more to reverse your decision than others have so I will not, so God bless and see you in the afterlife, you will not be forgotten.
    Well DKR. If I don't make it onto teamspeak, then this is goodbye. It was an honour to have met you and you will be missed by myself and the community. I have to say I have thought of you a lot since your announcement and I hope you find peace where ever that may be. I know that your mind is probably made up but I hope that you have a change of heart and reconsider your decision to end your life. There isn't much more I can say really.

    See you in another life mate. We won't forget you.

    Daktologist.

    Thank you. It really means a lot. As I said, I don't really believe in an afterlife and in a way I don't want there to be one as for all I know it might be something I wouldn't like, but who knows. That one could be pretty cool.

    Guy's... it's been a blast. Without Totse and all that it's directly and indirectly given me I'd never be who I am today. I'd either have killed myself long ago or might've ended up as some hipster fag, which would be a fate far worse than death, heh.

    It was great speaking to you guys on TS. Good to finally put voices to names. I took in all that you said to me and although my decision is final, it meant a lot and was comforting to be able to have a conversation like that in these final hours. TDR and Chippy - DON'T LEAVE ASSHOLES! That would be a major blow to the forum and that's exactly the opposite of what I want. With me gone, you guys will have to kick ass twice as hard in my place.

    Goodbye, guys.
    Kaiser :thumbsup:
  • edited December 2011
    You gonna be on TS later on, like you said earlier?
  • Ad NauseamAd Nauseam Acolyte
    edited December 2011
    I guess that's that. Is it odd that all I can think is "Well....shit"?
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