Time's up for me - a few words
Dark Kaiser Redux
Regular
[If a mod feels this doesn't belong here for whatever reason, go ahead and edit, move or delete it - I can't stop you and won't complain if you do, but look over it and give it a chance first.]
My fellow Totseans,
On the 10th of this month I'll be taking a lethal dose of sodium pentobarbital (disclaimer - hypothetically, of course. I'd never do such a thing. Life is sacred
). I've been putting this off for far too long but practical issues just kept coming up. I'm still here in the meantime.
Why?
Mainly boredom. This world sucks. There's too little in it that interests me. The idea of getting married, having kids and working 9 - 5 for the next fifty years is depressing enough on its own to make me reach for a razor. If it were possible to hook myself up to a machine like in Inception or The Matrix and spend 20 hours a day lucid dreaming I'd stay for sure, but unfortunately it's not. For the good and the bad, I'm pretty satisfied with the run I've had so far in life and would like to walk out now before it just becomes a distant memory.
I'm sick of people. I hate humanity more than words can describe. People are shallow, ignorant, arrogant, materialistic, hypocritical, hedonistic and unnecessarily cruel - 99% of them. They mindlessly follow orders no matter how wrong or unjustified they might be. Whatever they might claim or even believe, they are ultimately just mercenaries, bowing to whatever the immediate power is. Might makes right. The only people who aren't are terrorists, suicide bombers and other devout activists who do what they do not for money or status or because 'someone told them to' or because they were 'just doing their job', but because of their absolute devotion to their cause. The rest are just amoeba... cattle - If that. They don't give a damn about ethics, freedom or democracy. As long as their little bubble is safe that's all they care about.
The world is becoming far too big brother-ish for my liking. HD CCTV cameras going up everywhere, every financial transaction having to be recorded, biometric and DNA databases, internet censorship and monitoring, soon-to-be fingerprint verification for everything, mass-survailence of every kind with no privacy or anonymity left at all. Looking at DFG's Spy Files thread makes it abundantly clear that the technology available for these purposes is staggering. I'd like to be able to go for a walk in the park without having to be fingerprint ID'd first and having facial recognition cameras on every tree following me about. One day it will happen. I'd far rather be blown up than have to be subjected to all that crap in the name of 'protection' and 'national security'. Of course it can be slowed and fought by those who know what they're doing, but not forever. The internet is the final frontier, but even that, I think, will fall eventually. I know the likes of Wikileaks, Anonymous and you guys will put up a good fight and I commend you for that, but still, that is not a world I want to be a part of.
I can honestly say discovering Totse was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me - I really can't imagine what life was like without it. When the original Totse died and Zoklet was nominated as the official replacement I took one look at the place and never touched it again. Same with Totse 2. I'm not dissing Totse 2 and it actually seems to be pretty decent but there was just something about DFG's Totse that struck a chord with me and I never looked back. As much as I disagree with his decision to diverge from the original Totse, if it weren't for him I wouldn't have had this platform at all. To all the 'old' night ops people and everyone else I've got to know as a result of finding Totse - you guys are awesome - it's been a pleasure being in the community with you. TDR - you've been a dick to me on occasion but I've actually come to like you (unless you move this thread, that is). You're the type of person this forum needs to keep going strong.
Kaiser :cool:
Why is there such a stigma and revulsion of suicide in the west? Largely due to religion. All the non-Abrahamic religions have far more tolerant and reasonable stances on suicide. In Ancient Rome and Greece, to say nothing of Japan, suicide was seen as a perfectly acceptable and honorable thing to do for many reasons. It's also the mark of a weak society. People want to flutter through their shallow, hedonistic lives without having to face anything serious or greater than themselves.
Death is part of life and is something to be embraced with grace and humility, not fearfully fended off with drugs and respirators. Old age is not the only 'valid' form of death. Early death can be just as natural. If every living creature had to only die of old age the world would be very, very crowded. If we are willing to euthanize animals that are in serious pain and have no chance of recovery, why not humans? Where does all this 'life at all costs', 'quantity over quality' rubbish come from? The belief is that a healthy person wanting to kill themselves is not normal and needs help. Although often the case, that is a fundamentally flawed view and simply not true. It certainly isn't true for me. They call suicide unnatural and a 'crime against nature'. True, killing oneself does go against nature but so does much of what we do as modern humans. Biologically, the purpose of life is to a) survive, and b), more importantly, reproduce. By that logic, people that choose not to have children are committing an even greater 'crime'.
My great uncle recently died at 84 of some kind of cancer. Would suicide not have been the best option for him? He could've died a dignified death on his own terms but instead, through fear and/or religious belief he clung on right to the last despite the agony, incontinence and humiliation. So presumably, he died lying in a pool of his own piss and shit. I don't see anything honourable or respect-worthy about that.
People say suicide is for cowards who are 'taking the easy way out'. They say that it's selfish because of how it affects those left behind. When someone is suffering in some serious way - mental or physical - but won't kill themself out of a sense of guilt or because of what is essentially emotional blackmail by their families, who's really being selfish? Believe me, bringing yourself to actually carry out a serious suicide attempt takes far more courage and strength than simply hobbling on and hoping things will get better. Those are the weak cowards.
My fellow Totseans,
On the 10th of this month I'll be taking a lethal dose of sodium pentobarbital (disclaimer - hypothetically, of course. I'd never do such a thing. Life is sacred
). I've been putting this off for far too long but practical issues just kept coming up. I'm still here in the meantime.Why?
Mainly boredom. This world sucks. There's too little in it that interests me. The idea of getting married, having kids and working 9 - 5 for the next fifty years is depressing enough on its own to make me reach for a razor. If it were possible to hook myself up to a machine like in Inception or The Matrix and spend 20 hours a day lucid dreaming I'd stay for sure, but unfortunately it's not. For the good and the bad, I'm pretty satisfied with the run I've had so far in life and would like to walk out now before it just becomes a distant memory.
I'm sick of people. I hate humanity more than words can describe. People are shallow, ignorant, arrogant, materialistic, hypocritical, hedonistic and unnecessarily cruel - 99% of them. They mindlessly follow orders no matter how wrong or unjustified they might be. Whatever they might claim or even believe, they are ultimately just mercenaries, bowing to whatever the immediate power is. Might makes right. The only people who aren't are terrorists, suicide bombers and other devout activists who do what they do not for money or status or because 'someone told them to' or because they were 'just doing their job', but because of their absolute devotion to their cause. The rest are just amoeba... cattle - If that. They don't give a damn about ethics, freedom or democracy. As long as their little bubble is safe that's all they care about.
The world is becoming far too big brother-ish for my liking. HD CCTV cameras going up everywhere, every financial transaction having to be recorded, biometric and DNA databases, internet censorship and monitoring, soon-to-be fingerprint verification for everything, mass-survailence of every kind with no privacy or anonymity left at all. Looking at DFG's Spy Files thread makes it abundantly clear that the technology available for these purposes is staggering. I'd like to be able to go for a walk in the park without having to be fingerprint ID'd first and having facial recognition cameras on every tree following me about. One day it will happen. I'd far rather be blown up than have to be subjected to all that crap in the name of 'protection' and 'national security'. Of course it can be slowed and fought by those who know what they're doing, but not forever. The internet is the final frontier, but even that, I think, will fall eventually. I know the likes of Wikileaks, Anonymous and you guys will put up a good fight and I commend you for that, but still, that is not a world I want to be a part of.
I can honestly say discovering Totse was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me - I really can't imagine what life was like without it. When the original Totse died and Zoklet was nominated as the official replacement I took one look at the place and never touched it again. Same with Totse 2. I'm not dissing Totse 2 and it actually seems to be pretty decent but there was just something about DFG's Totse that struck a chord with me and I never looked back. As much as I disagree with his decision to diverge from the original Totse, if it weren't for him I wouldn't have had this platform at all. To all the 'old' night ops people and everyone else I've got to know as a result of finding Totse - you guys are awesome - it's been a pleasure being in the community with you. TDR - you've been a dick to me on occasion but I've actually come to like you (unless you move this thread, that is). You're the type of person this forum needs to keep going strong.
Kaiser :cool:
My view on suicide for all the people who'll inevitably flame me for it
Why is there such a stigma and revulsion of suicide in the west? Largely due to religion. All the non-Abrahamic religions have far more tolerant and reasonable stances on suicide. In Ancient Rome and Greece, to say nothing of Japan, suicide was seen as a perfectly acceptable and honorable thing to do for many reasons. It's also the mark of a weak society. People want to flutter through their shallow, hedonistic lives without having to face anything serious or greater than themselves.
Death is part of life and is something to be embraced with grace and humility, not fearfully fended off with drugs and respirators. Old age is not the only 'valid' form of death. Early death can be just as natural. If every living creature had to only die of old age the world would be very, very crowded. If we are willing to euthanize animals that are in serious pain and have no chance of recovery, why not humans? Where does all this 'life at all costs', 'quantity over quality' rubbish come from? The belief is that a healthy person wanting to kill themselves is not normal and needs help. Although often the case, that is a fundamentally flawed view and simply not true. It certainly isn't true for me. They call suicide unnatural and a 'crime against nature'. True, killing oneself does go against nature but so does much of what we do as modern humans. Biologically, the purpose of life is to a) survive, and b), more importantly, reproduce. By that logic, people that choose not to have children are committing an even greater 'crime'.
My great uncle recently died at 84 of some kind of cancer. Would suicide not have been the best option for him? He could've died a dignified death on his own terms but instead, through fear and/or religious belief he clung on right to the last despite the agony, incontinence and humiliation. So presumably, he died lying in a pool of his own piss and shit. I don't see anything honourable or respect-worthy about that.
People say suicide is for cowards who are 'taking the easy way out'. They say that it's selfish because of how it affects those left behind. When someone is suffering in some serious way - mental or physical - but won't kill themself out of a sense of guilt or because of what is essentially emotional blackmail by their families, who's really being selfish? Believe me, bringing yourself to actually carry out a serious suicide attempt takes far more courage and strength than simply hobbling on and hoping things will get better. Those are the weak cowards.
Comments
I've had near death experiences and suicide attempts, and am so glad I continued to live. Why? Because although the world stagnates or gets worse, you can shape your own world.
Who says you have to get married, work 9-5 or have kids? I don't intend on doing any of those three, but I ain't gonna pop my clogs yet. Believe - I had a plan to blow my brains out on my 30th birthday and even made a suicide vest out of shotgun shells and other bits.
Also why the 10th? How are links with your family, because that Christmas would suck for them. I aint trying to guilt trip you here, but for me, the only thing that stopped me jumping 120ft head-first onto a motorway was firstly my friends who would "kill" me if I committed suicide - if you get me, and my family who have been so helpful to me throughout my life. I hope you can experience some life-changing experience within the next week. ToTSE has saved my life. Literally. I've met 3 ToTSEans in real life, and here goes why:
Maybe you should hop on Teamspeak and get chatting? I do when I'm in a shit mood. Locking myself in my room for 3 days and sleeping all day just to avoid people, only to be changed when I chat to those who frequent Teamspeak.
As for the CCTV issue, Big Brother is only as big as you think. Yes, the world is full of corruption, but I'm sure things will change at some point. If you kill yourself, the Man has won. I hate Society, but use it to my advantage. People are easily manipulated, most are sheep, but every once in a while you find people who fit the &T persona and can feel normal for a time. Life is a journey, and hopefuly you find more people like this.
Seriously, I fucking hope you reconsider. And TDR although a guy that might scare you, has been a huge help to me personally. I won't go into details, but speaking to those who are older has proved invaluable. Logging in and recognising Dark Kaiser Redux from the old days brings back memories, so you will be missed.
Instead of ending your life and saying fuck it, why not start sharing your sorrow, your hate, your emotion regarding everything in the form of words or articles and let us spread your message, so you will become a beacon of reality for everyone and I am sure you will be able to find people who are feeling the same pain as you are. Bro, know when I say this, quitting isn't going to change anything, the world is a fucked up ride, you just need to get yourself in the correct wagon. You already took the right step sticking with us, now let's help you become better or let's ease your pain and show you a different world.
You don't need to be hooked in The Matrix or AI systems, what you need is to just sit back and talk and talk, and keep a company of like minded individuals who will Listen and help you ease out your twisted emotions. I know not everyone is built the same but I am sure deep inside we all can understand each other, your view of the world is harsh and unfiltered at best but you're also not viewing the other aspects. It's like me watching the world for what it is, a big worthless machine that just keeps rotating, the cultures come and go, the races live and die, everything is bound to die in the end. But that doesn't not mean you should end your life and go into the world of darkness, it's not about fearing what's going to happen the light goes out, it's just about giving up.
You're a Totsean. You're blessed with company of real people who can honestly help you. Don't take the easy way out, at least not until you have really given it a shot. Anyone can type tons of words, but at this stage you need someone you can talk to and share your views with. Again, TeamSpeak. You might be shy, you might have some deep issues, but trust me, you will not be let down. We're a family, we need to look after each other.
You really haven't seen the true version of my totse, it's a utopia for people like us where we all mingle and really help each other. You just got a glimpse of it from totse.info. the real version hasn't been revealed yet. So, don't die on us when we need you the most.
Anyway, should you still choose to go through with your plan, know that atleast in the world of totse, a mind of your caliber will be missed. This bowl is in your honor.
Being turned off by the idea of the 9-5/suburban house/wife/kids lifestyle is not a reason to kill yourself; it's a liberation. Being pissed off with the country you live in and most of the people in it isn't a reason to give up; it's a reason to say "fuck 'em" and live for YOU, by your own values and for your own amusement.
Post this thread in 30 years time when you haven't got a lifetime of hellraising in front of you.
Afraid so. I suppose the only way to 'prove' it would to give one of you guys my Facebook and you'd see it on there. Though obviously I'd only do that at the last minute lest someone tries to thwart my plans, heh.
Unfortunately, perhaps, the links are very good. It was always meant to be November 30th at the absolute latest but the last few months just flew by and practical concerns kept coming up. One being that I was really hoping to find a method other than hanging or shooting and thankfully this one became available. The other being that I didn't want to have to do it so close to Christmas for my family's sake. That's another reason why I won't leave it any later than the 10th.
Yeah, I'll definitely make an effort to get on tomorrow or so.
I do regret not writing more because I know at least some of it would be of use to others. I used to write a lot for myself in a semi-journal format some years ago but stopped. I'm really glad I did. Reading over it gives me a far greater insight into myself as I was back then than if I had to just think back.
It's a shame I won't get to see it but I'm sure it will be awsome :thumbsup:
Thank you.
Likewise :thumbsup:
It seems that you've begun to think this is a hopeless endeavor and thinking it impossible, why bother to live?
You have options, you haven't even explored many of them. Here in the US, monthly storage unit rates are right around $25/month. (Edit - You can do this like 100 miles from me, I'd even be willing to personally point out where to do all of this). You can literally move here, stay at a homeless shelter, work a day at a temporary labor company and have enough money to rent storage then go wild. From there, you can keep working or do more "extreme" income enterprises with a spot to store your stuff. You can make your own wind turbines, solar panels, water wheels, etc. then go rent an absolutely cheap house supplying a few "modern necessities" like your computer with electricity and relying on other methods to store and cook food, lighting, etc. Let me assure you, there is absolutely NOTHING boring about living a self-sufficient lifestyle, you are always busy.
Too mundane for you? Ok. Rob a bank. You're committing suicide anyways, right? What are they going to do? Shoot you? Worried you'll live? Suicide in prison is easy. You gave it a good run.
Don't feel like going out on such a high note? Ok, save your funding at the homeless shelter, rent a small shop, and buy a chump car and race the fuck out of it trying to win money.
Don't know how to do ANY of this? You have stuff to do then, start learning.
If you want to kill yourself, so be it. But don't do it with the excuse that the world is boring and there's nothing you can do about it. Humans have a gift. We can dream of things far beyond here and now, things greater than what already exists. More importantly, we have bodies capable of turning dream into reality. Whatever you're looking for in life, you won't find it in death.
It's this one.
Anyway I do hope that you reconsider, but if you don't I understand, there is something to be said for sticking to your guns so to speak. I hope to see you around here for many years to come, but if not I will sorely regret not having known you better.
As I said, I'm fundamentally against the common belief that people must live, 'just because'. I don't want to be pitied but I don't want to be held in contempt either for being a lazy coward.
My attempt in February last year failed due to a stupid technical oversight on my part. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure you even knew I went through with it. Not knowing that, I can see how I could've come across as an indecisive attention whore. Before that date I do remember discussing it on and off but on a mostly philosophical level. I was lucky to have come out of it with no brain damage as is sometimes the result of a failed but 'close-call' carbon monixide death.
Anyway. Afterwards I decided to give life a chance again. I was able to keep myself occupied for a while before the weariness set in again. I decided that going to the UK would be a good move for me. A way to get away from what I knew and do something 'fresh'. Barely a week after getting there it once again hit me that even that was not something I particularly wanted. I came back and got to work cleaning up the trail of devestation I'd left behind. Once back home I decided to give life here one last chance. I had to know that I'd tried everything before calling it quits so that I'd have no regrets or questions nagging at my mind as to things I could have perhaps done. Over the course of a month or two a number of things happened (I don't think it's neseccary to mention them) that made me realise without a doubt that life was not something I was interested in pursuing. I definitely had a good long think about your self-sufficiency lifestyle. It had a lot of appeal, but still not enough.
Would I have liked to have lived a first-world lifestyle without having to work? Of course! I don't think anyone in their right mind wouldn't but I never said that that was what I wanted to do in life.
I'm not doing this because I can't make life work, I'm doing it because I don't want to. There's a difference, at least to me. It was you that spoke about the liberation and power that comes from rising above the fear of death. You were right. There's no other way I could've achieved that.
At the same time. It's a shame. Not because I know you, just because you're part of the furniture around here. Kind of like breaking a mirror that's been at home for years.
Are you going to send out your Christmas cards early? That might be a thoughtful thing to do.
I'm not around here as much as I'd like, but I've always thought you were a pretty solid chap.
It'd be a shame to think you're not here, or anywhere else.
It's your decision, bud, through and through.
Despite the widely accepted notion, you're never too young to go.
Especially on your own terms.
People die every goddamn day.
To me, suicide is a hell of a lot more dignified way to go than being old and senile.
Can't honestly say I've never been in the same boat as you.
The more time you have to think about how everything seems like complete shit, the more you want to detach yourself from it.
The worst part is, you can't always do anything about it.
Running, in any form, takes money.
What you're talking about doing doesn't take cowardice.
It takes balls.
I tip my hat to you, man.
Make sure to buy us all a round of shots in the afterlife, will ya?
This is pretty much what I'm getting at. I'm not accusing you of being an attention whore or suggesting you live for the sake of simply being alive. I'm saying that your premise of wanting to die is in my opinion completely wrong. The world is only as boring and hopeless as you make it to be, you can break the rules and live on your own terms if you have the nerve to do so. Wanting to die if anything empowers you to do as TDR has just suggested because you literally have nothing to lose. But if you want to continue to find excuses for not being able to do that, you'll have to excuse me for calling BS on you saying you're not taking the easy way out because it sounds to me like you are. If you think guys like me are just mindlessly floating down the river of life all to meet the same end, then you've been spending too much time assuming things while deep in thought. This is normally where a person should say "no offense" but there's really no non-offensive way to say this - suicide is for those too weak to take what they want from life. If that's true, then I can't say any of this matters to me because you might as well already be dead.
It was good knowing you. Truthfully.
And yes, it was good knowing you too.
Chippy - thank you, really. I don't believe in any religion but I suppose I lean slightly more towards agnosticism than athiesm so who knows.
ts84.light-speed.com:4723
This, man. Go swim with Sharks, skydiving, make a bomb or just fuck someone up before you go. Like Psychlonic said, whatever you want in life - you won't find in death.
I know it's hard to change your mind if you're truly committed, but your family are always here for you. We all have the power to change the world, but it's just figuring how to do it. Injustices happen every second of every day, and soon enough the people will be pissed off enough to do something.
I hope.
I just want to live in a Post Apocalyptic world and see it all go to shit. No morals, no ties with people I have to see and certainly no laws. We all live the dream in our heads, and whatever gets us through the day works.
You seem as though you are trying to convince yourself.
You memories will become aged whether you are alive or not. Your good memories will only become "diluted" with mediocre ones if you let them. At least when you are alive you will be able to remember them. I agree with Psychlonic when he says that suicide is for those who can't take what they want from life. You have made it clear that you have the ability to enjoy life and obviously there could be more you could take from it, whether you have discovered it or not.
There is no concious afterlife. This doesn't mean that life is pointless, because it is all we have. However it does mean death is pointless.
You are in a very powerful position, in a position not everyone gets to be in: you have nothing to lose. Don't throw that away.
I'm not a strictly religious guy - rather Spiritual, but that just made me respect you a helluva lot more. You're so mild mannered and friendly. Hope you're on Teamspeak tonight
Sorry, slightly pointless, but needed to say it.
*group hug*
Date has been changed to tomorrow night.
1. Stayed up later than I intended last night and way overslept this morning.
2. I have to be somwhere this evening which only ends at 10 and that doesn't leave me enough time to prepare.
3. Doing it tonight only leaves me about 6 hours until 'discovery', whereas tomorrow night will leave me at least 12.
Assuming nothing happens to me today, I'll be on Teamspeak tonight.
Absolutely, it's the least they deserve. I've spent probably the last week writing it. It's long. I actually wonder if I should write it by hand or just print it?
Another issue for the delay is that I'll have to eat tonight which is a problem since I need to fast 12 hours before taking the drug.
Add me to this too.
See you in another life mate. We won't forget you.
Daktologist.
No, in your frame of mind, what should be done is undertake an adventure. Your pain is brought on by the hopelessness of life. Realise it is a game and get competative. You might never win, but it will be fun trying. Fuck off to Montana, or Alaska or some place in Canada. Take some supplies but plan to live in the wilderness. Best case scenario, you find yourself and thrive, worst case you fuck up and die - SO - its either all good, or you give life a few months of trying and let it take you naturally.
If you have so little on earth you can end your own life, you have so little you can be with yourself in the wilderness and it not matter.
No one here would think any the less if you did not do it, we all know you must mean it by now, but we would rather you did not.
"Suicide isnt painless, when you leave everyone in pain" NOFX
Thank you. It really means a lot. As I said, I don't really believe in an afterlife and in a way I don't want there to be one as for all I know it might be something I wouldn't like, but who knows. That one could be pretty cool.
Guy's... it's been a blast. Without Totse and all that it's directly and indirectly given me I'd never be who I am today. I'd either have killed myself long ago or might've ended up as some hipster fag, which would be a fate far worse than death, heh.
It was great speaking to you guys on TS. Good to finally put voices to names. I took in all that you said to me and although my decision is final, it meant a lot and was comforting to be able to have a conversation like that in these final hours. TDR and Chippy - DON'T LEAVE ASSHOLES! That would be a major blow to the forum and that's exactly the opposite of what I want. With me gone, you guys will have to kick ass twice as hard in my place.
Goodbye, guys.
Kaiser :thumbsup: