I dont really expect anything to come from posting my thoughts/feelings here, but I felt like I needed to vent, so here it goes:
I know I'm not depressed, I battled depression/social anxiety in my teens so I know the difference between that and what I'm now experiencing which I suppose can be best described as a general apathy and amotivation. This state sometimes induces depression, especially when I meditate (the western meaning, not the eastern meaning) on the state of my life but depression is not the central factor although it is somewhat of a constant, albiet in short lived sporadic intervals. I feel complacent, but like Harry Haller in Hesse's "Steppenwolfe" this complacency and security kind of makes me feel more numb/dull than anything.
I'm fresh out of university with a Bachelor's in Psychology, I work a job that pays slightly more than minimum wage, and I live at my parents house; aside from my sexual/romantic needs mostly everything is taken care of in one way or another. There's alot I feel I could be doing; going to Grad School, finding a real job, moving out of my parents house, etc etc. but I dont really feel like it. Thats a childish explanation, I know, but it is the case; I dont feel as if anything is really worth persuing, since it seems like just trading one grind for another. Theres no real meaning to anything. I could make quite a bit more money, but I dont even know how to spend the spare cash I have now; theres a nice chunk of cash in my account that I literally just dont know what to do with (having grown up poor Im used to being very precise with my spending, and I suppose these old habits die hard). The only thing I can think to do with it is frivilous spending for the sake of frivelous spending (it is fun in the short run but I know after 12 hours with whatever ive bought I'll jsut say to myself "do I really want/need this?" and maybe return it). Debt/loans arent much of a problem either.
I could move into my own place, but my job is just down the street. I could find a new job, one that pays real money (that I wouldnt know how to spend after my base needs were taken care of), has benefits, and a pension, but I dont really want/need that. Whats the point if theres no one to share it with?
Do I really need to share my life with someone? Is it necessary that I require another human being to validate my existence? Is that normal or am I needy and pathetic? If I find her, and I'm saying "IF", will that just lead to the same subjective experience I'm having now? Do I only want to do that so I can pass on my genes, thus perpetuating another grind (survive, mate, reproduce, ensure survival of offspring, die)
I've already mentioned Hesse's Steppenwolfe and I really dont want to come off as some asshole trying to out-talk everyone with my references to more obscure sources of information, but I really feel like Sisyphus; just rolling a stone up a hill just to watch it roll back down again. Endless grind, endless labour, and not even in a slavery type way where I could allow my righteous indignation to spark a sparticus-like uprising. Again, I am complacent, in a vast network of security in an almost drone-like state of contentment, and it has drained me of all resolve and drive. I've been finding myself drinking alone, not getting shitfaced per se but getting mildly drunk just to make things interesting, is this a slippery slope? Might I become a sad alcoholic? Am I deliberatley hurting myself to make things more interesting?
I'm stepping outside my usual logical self right now, and away from the network of theories (amounting to a series of words, really) that have not satisfied me and looking at how I feel indstead of how I think. To be honest: I just dont care. Not about the wars happening (and coming), about the economy, about the environment, about anything on the micro-scale that is my life, it all just seems redundant to me, a perpetuating cycle of retardation. I'm sorry if all of this sounds like an emo-rant, which it probably does, but I need to be honest. I dont give a fuck and dont know why I should.