The Floor Watchers
These people are the least common in the gym. Mainly because most of them never summon the courage to go in the gym. These are called the Floor Watchers because they seem to be constantly staring at the floor. Rarely will they make eye contact with anyone or look at anything but someone's feet. These people spend most of their time browsing forums like Strength Mill (especially the Rippetoe section), /fit/ and T-Nation. These people usually just do bodyweight exercises or lift standard barbells in their room until one day a video of someone doing something cool in the gym and decide to join up. The process of them actually going to the gym can take anywhere from six weeks to a few years, if ever. Usually they call up and ask mundane questions like going rates, the equipment the gym carries, etc, but not without using caller ID blocking of course. These people are afraid to go to the gym because they suffer from low testosterone and too much feminine influence during childhood. They are afraid of people, afraid of people knowing they can't even deadlift 300, etc.
The Ethan Hunts
The Ethan Hunts are the Floor Watchers who went to the gym and maintained regular attendance. Six months to a year later, these people have improved their max power clean from 95lbs to 155lbs, their squat from 155lbs to 210lbs, their deadlift from 195lbs to 255lbs, they finally got some tens on the bar for the military press, and boy are they proud of it. So proud, they dress up over it. These people are easily identified as they are almost always wearing a long-sleeve tight under-armor shirt on their 145lbs frame, some baggy cargo pants, and a scowl on their face with squinty eyes that would make Anderson Cooper envious. These people are all business. Whether it's pumping out 75lbs military presses or chanting and huffing and puffing at people who aren't there before they deadlift 200lbs, they are on a mission. Their squinty eyes and gritted teeth would have you to believed they are so psyched up that they wouldn't notice if the ceiling collapsed around them, let alone the fact that everyone (the Asian girls they are trying to impress included) is giggling at them.
The Non-Athletics Fan Athletics Fans
See Also Floor Watchers, Ethan Hunts, Form Police
The Non-Athletics Fan Athletics Fans are probably among the most common of gym-goers since the year 2005 or so. These people are without a doubt the most easily identified. These people are characterized by the same scowling and squinty eyes, as well as pathetic strength as the Floor Watchers and Ethan Hunts, however they dress and act differently. The Non-Athletics Fan Athletics Fans always wear the following attire. An athletic/college sports hat, an athletic/college sports t-shirt, basketball shorts, and athletic shoes. It is also very common for them to wear their t-shirts over long sleeve under-armour shirts, for extra tactical. Despite all of this "athletic" apparel they sport, these people have absolutely nothing to do with athletics. In fact, their closest thing to following physical activity in general is pirating Mark Rippetoe's books off of the internet, and becoming an expert the night they read them. These people will pay a great deal of attention to other people working out. At first it seems like a homosexual thing, and it may very well be in many cases, but the fact is these people are really just looking at people's form, people doing curls in the squat cage, etc, and dying to walk up to them and say something they heard Rippetoe say, in their mumbly, monotone voices, such as "DRIVE AYER AYESS UP IN TO THA BAAAAAAAAHRRRRRRR" or "DO THE FUCKING PROGRAM!", but of course, never gather the strength from within. These people spend most of their time on Rippetoe's forum at Strength Mill kissing up to him and making posts laced with comments such as "motherfucker" "fuck" "shit" "fag" "queer" "gay", etc, i.e. things their parents and peers would discipline them for saying.
A abundnce Non-Athletics Fan Athletics Fans can be found by youtubing "form check rippetoe".
The Desperate Housewives
The Desperate Housewives are the female attendants of the gym. No wise man lets his lady out of the house alone let alone in to an environment as contaminated by libido as the gym. All women at the gym are looking for sex. This is why they are always seen on the leg curl machine in tights trying to put that ass up for the male attendants of the establishment, why they are always doing pilates or ludicrous stretches in very little, tight fitting clothing. The simple fact is when a woman is in a gym she is looking to strut her goods off like the whore she is for the highest bidder (in this case, the most aggressive, advanced male in the gym). Any time there is a woman in the gym, it should be known that all that is required to put your fist in her colon is to look relatively decent and have the guts to say "damn your form is good! can you show me what else you can do?". When a female attends the gym you can rest assured that her husband is rich and that is the only reason she is married. She goes to the gym with or without the husbands knowledge because he cannot adequately provide that dick.
Wannabe pro football players
The Wannabe pro football players are high school athletes who come into the gym with 3 or 4 of their teamates. They are one of the least common groups in the gym as you only see them there 2 months out of the year right before the high school football season starts. These pubescent young boys have the same feeble strength as Ethan Hunts. They usually wear their football jerseys, or t shirts with their team on them - to show everyone how athletic they are while bench pressing 135 lbs, and squatting 150lbs. Wannabe pro football players usually stop working out and get nowhere in athletics after they graduate high school.
These individuals are Asian, usually Chinese or Vietnamese. They tend to visit gyms in very clean, upper class areas. They are easily identified by their hairstyle and choice of clothing. They have this habit of using the equipment as a jungle gym. They can be seen climbing on top of the squat racks and jumping from smith machine to smith machine. I once saw a Jackie Chan doing pushups in a squat rack.
They also swing around the cable column handle like a sword.
These young females go to every gym in tight spandex clothing and hold the most sexually suggestive yoga poses imaginable right there in the gym even when there are thugs and predators all around the place lifting weights and walking around with spycams. It's like some sort of sick BDSM nightmare, but it's reality. These women seem to be trying to look as much like insects as possible.
ell oh fucking ell!
The fountain of truth :cool: