How to: Impersonate a Muslim
This is just a simple guide which will help you get by as a Muslim. You should only use this when you need to get out of a sticky situation or want to gain access to certain groups or just want learn something about Islam.
Since this is Bad Ideas and this is Totse I will be neutral when it comes to religion. I feel that in order to share and understand you have to lower your moral guards and be mentally free from any religious values. Only then you can be fair and accurate about life.
This is a work in process and I will keep updating it.
What is a Muslim?
A believer in or follower of Islam.
What is Islam then?
A monotheistic religion that originated with the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) having the same roots as Christianity and Judaism; its revelatory scripture is the Qur'an; its followers are Muslim.
Who is Prophet Muhammad {SAW}?
Consult this Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muhammad
In short, he is the Last Prophet and everyone in Muslim Umah respects him more than anything. Disrespecting Prophet,Islam, and Allah is a sure way of getting killed.
So, is this all you need?
For starters yes, but you will need to memorize certain things, like:
How to offer Prayers/Salah
More info: http://www.easyislam.com/how_to_offer_namaz_prayer.asp
Important Islamic Verses:
Kalma:
Kalma in Arabic: http://www.quranrecites.com/kalma/
Kalma in English: http://www.islamicacademy.org/html/Children/Six%20Kalima.htm
Notice the sound is the key factor here. Not many Muslims know how to read or write Arabic nor they know the meaning of verses. You can easily memorize the first Kalma and the rest without ever getting in trouble.
Since you weren't born Muslim you can always use the, I don't know Arabic card and slide in. It's the best tool you have and you will rely on it the most.
Consult Islamic site for more information: http://www.islamicacademy.org/
Okay, I know the basics what to do next?
Contact your local Imam [The person in charge of the Mosque]. Get a Koran [English version] and tell him that you're interested in Islam and want to learn about it. This part is extremely important, you can't just jump in tell everyone you're a Muslim. You need to have a back story.
Like someone asks you [they will], when did convert to Islam, you can then say Imam <insert name here> showed me the light and now I am Muslim and I am trying to learn Islamic ways as much as possible.
Stick that story as much as possible, since you're not a native of any Islamic country it's odd for others to see you in Mosques. Unless you're living in an Islamic community.
Show up at prayer timings, just pray and leave like the rest. Follow this 5 times a day at first then lower it to 3-2 times or whenever possible. Do not miss the Friday prayers.
Remember this is just the start, once you understand the routine and know the basics you can easily move on and try it in different mosques. It doesn't hurt and maybe you will get lucky with some Muslim girls. You don't even need to ask her out, his father will invite you to meet his family. From there you might get a hookup or a chance to marry her. But it's best you avoid it.
Moving on, once you convert you will be moved up or down. That depends on your location. If you're in Pakistan, you're at the top of the food chain and if you're in UK/US you know where you stand. Be prepared to get some racial hate.
Dressing is important, if you're a woman. You should consider covering yourself and wearing less skank clothes. Being a Muslim woman is easy. You don't have to attend prayers nor do you have to give a fuck about anything. You just need to dress the part and keep in touch with the community. But that's only required if you're in some Islamic community.
In case you're travelling, just be formal and try NOT to hook up with guys and openly act like you normally do. This is a must in Islamic countries. Everyone is watching you. All it needs is a simple slip up and they will go after you. Thankfully that doesn't happen anymore. But it's best you know what to do.
Remember if you act the part, no one would bother you. Hell, I wouldn't bother you if you're wearing a Hijab. But I will add you to my fuck list anyway
.
Ahem, for men. Dressing is simple. Wear anything you like, as long as it covers you chest and legs. Don't go running around naked nor DRINK/FUCK in public. Most muslims in US/UK do that but if you're travelling in some Islamic country then:
A) DO NOT DRINK.
DO NOT HARASS ANY GIRL.
C) DO NOT TRY TO FUCK LOCAL GIRLS.
D) DO NOT TRY TO BE ANTI RELIGIOUS.
Just act cool and mind your own business. If you want to fuck, find a trusted friend to hook you up. Dating in Islam is a risky and painful business. You can easily get laid if you play your cards right but you can get killed if you fuck up.
Family is something you should be careful about. Muslim families act differently. They are terroritrial and barbaric when it comes to fucking their sisters. If you fuck a Muslim family in some Islamic region you can be singled out or killed. Their family structures are stronger and most men don't mind violence. This holds true almost anywhere.
The above will give you a good start. But I hope once you walk along with Muslims you will see that they are normal people but they're just messed in some places. So, consider learning some more. Most people will call me infidel, traitor for this but I have my way of showing things. I know Islam and I see no reason to keep it exclusive. If Allah [or whatever GOD] created everyone then we shouldn't be divided into groups.
Learn and share people.
Since this is Bad Ideas and this is Totse I will be neutral when it comes to religion. I feel that in order to share and understand you have to lower your moral guards and be mentally free from any religious values. Only then you can be fair and accurate about life.
This is a work in process and I will keep updating it.
What is a Muslim?
A believer in or follower of Islam.
What is Islam then?
A monotheistic religion that originated with the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) having the same roots as Christianity and Judaism; its revelatory scripture is the Qur'an; its followers are Muslim.
Who is Prophet Muhammad {SAW}?
Consult this Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muhammad
In short, he is the Last Prophet and everyone in Muslim Umah respects him more than anything. Disrespecting Prophet,Islam, and Allah is a sure way of getting killed.
So, is this all you need?
For starters yes, but you will need to memorize certain things, like:
How to offer Prayers/Salah
More info: http://www.easyislam.com/how_to_offer_namaz_prayer.asp
Important Islamic Verses:
Kalma:
Kalma in Arabic: http://www.quranrecites.com/kalma/
Kalma in English: http://www.islamicacademy.org/html/Children/Six%20Kalima.htm
Notice the sound is the key factor here. Not many Muslims know how to read or write Arabic nor they know the meaning of verses. You can easily memorize the first Kalma and the rest without ever getting in trouble.
Since you weren't born Muslim you can always use the, I don't know Arabic card and slide in. It's the best tool you have and you will rely on it the most.
Consult Islamic site for more information: http://www.islamicacademy.org/
Okay, I know the basics what to do next?
Contact your local Imam [The person in charge of the Mosque]. Get a Koran [English version] and tell him that you're interested in Islam and want to learn about it. This part is extremely important, you can't just jump in tell everyone you're a Muslim. You need to have a back story.
Like someone asks you [they will], when did convert to Islam, you can then say Imam <insert name here> showed me the light and now I am Muslim and I am trying to learn Islamic ways as much as possible.
Stick that story as much as possible, since you're not a native of any Islamic country it's odd for others to see you in Mosques. Unless you're living in an Islamic community.
Show up at prayer timings, just pray and leave like the rest. Follow this 5 times a day at first then lower it to 3-2 times or whenever possible. Do not miss the Friday prayers.
Remember this is just the start, once you understand the routine and know the basics you can easily move on and try it in different mosques. It doesn't hurt and maybe you will get lucky with some Muslim girls. You don't even need to ask her out, his father will invite you to meet his family. From there you might get a hookup or a chance to marry her. But it's best you avoid it.
Moving on, once you convert you will be moved up or down. That depends on your location. If you're in Pakistan, you're at the top of the food chain and if you're in UK/US you know where you stand. Be prepared to get some racial hate.
Dressing is important, if you're a woman. You should consider covering yourself and wearing less skank clothes. Being a Muslim woman is easy. You don't have to attend prayers nor do you have to give a fuck about anything. You just need to dress the part and keep in touch with the community. But that's only required if you're in some Islamic community.
In case you're travelling, just be formal and try NOT to hook up with guys and openly act like you normally do. This is a must in Islamic countries. Everyone is watching you. All it needs is a simple slip up and they will go after you. Thankfully that doesn't happen anymore. But it's best you know what to do.
Remember if you act the part, no one would bother you. Hell, I wouldn't bother you if you're wearing a Hijab. But I will add you to my fuck list anyway
.Ahem, for men. Dressing is simple. Wear anything you like, as long as it covers you chest and legs. Don't go running around naked nor DRINK/FUCK in public. Most muslims in US/UK do that but if you're travelling in some Islamic country then:
A) DO NOT DRINK.
DO NOT HARASS ANY GIRL.C) DO NOT TRY TO FUCK LOCAL GIRLS.
D) DO NOT TRY TO BE ANTI RELIGIOUS.
Just act cool and mind your own business. If you want to fuck, find a trusted friend to hook you up. Dating in Islam is a risky and painful business. You can easily get laid if you play your cards right but you can get killed if you fuck up.
Family is something you should be careful about. Muslim families act differently. They are terroritrial and barbaric when it comes to fucking their sisters. If you fuck a Muslim family in some Islamic region you can be singled out or killed. Their family structures are stronger and most men don't mind violence. This holds true almost anywhere.
The above will give you a good start. But I hope once you walk along with Muslims you will see that they are normal people but they're just messed in some places. So, consider learning some more. Most people will call me infidel, traitor for this but I have my way of showing things. I know Islam and I see no reason to keep it exclusive. If Allah [or whatever GOD] created everyone then we shouldn't be divided into groups.
Learn and share people.
Comments
Muslim Community
Wear Islamic clothes and be humble. That always works. You get respect and people would help you more.
Step 1
For Females: Place a large tablecloth over your head, covering your body and cut out a hole you can see out of.
For Males: Grow a beard and place a suitably sized doily over your head.
Congratulations! You are now impersonating a Muslim.
My guide's better imo
Don't get the doll connection, maybe if you tried placing a rocket there, it might make sense.
Oh sorry. It's more of a British/Australian thing. A "doily" is just a small embroidered place-mat kind of thing.
I forgot to mention in my last post that I like the guide Dfg :thumbsup:
Oh that, got it
Thanks
Also, why do women have to cover up? And why do men have to cover up? And why are friday prayers important? Why 5 then down to 3? That sounds awfully complicated. Awfully... human...