Light hearted look at tools. — Totseans

Light hearted look at tools.

chippychippy <b style="color:pink;">Global Moderator</b>
edited March 2012 in Life
HAMMER; Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE; Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing leather and fabric products.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.

PLIERS; Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW; One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS; Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH; Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS; Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS; A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL; Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Ouch....' HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK; Used for lowering a tractor to the
ground, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chassis somewhere.

EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4; Used for levering a tractor upward off
a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS; A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE; Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

Snap-On GASKET SCRAPER; Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR; A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT; A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST; A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER; A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER; A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS; See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT; The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which
is not otherwise found under tractors at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER; Normally used to stab the lids of old style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR; A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Dearborn, and rounds
them off.

PRY BAR; A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER; A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Feel free to add more.

Comments

  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited January 2012
    ROUTER: A router is a tool used to rout out (hollow out) an area in the face of a relatively hard workpiece, typically of wood or plastic. The main application of routers is in woodworking, especially cabinetry.

    It was a tool particularly used by pattern makers and staircase makers and consisted of a broad-based wooden hand plane with a narrow blade projecting well beyond its base plate gaining it the nickname Old Woman's Tooth. Although the original hand tool has a few advantages over the power tool equivalent and retains favour with some workers, since about 1960, it has all but been replaced by the modern spindle router, which was designed for the same work, although the first electric hand routers appeared in the years just after World War I.
  • SpinsterSpinster Regular
    edited January 2012
    Cresent wrench - AKA nut fucker, for rounding off nut and bolt heads.
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited January 2012
    Spinster wrote: »
    Cresent wrench - AKA nut fucker, for rounding off nut and bolt heads.

    Vice Grips are also very good for this function.
  • SpinsterSpinster Regular
    edited January 2012
    the best way to undo bolts is with hammer and chisel :D
  • dr rockerdr rocker Regular
    edited March 2012
    Spinster wrote: »
    the best way to undo bolts is with hammer and chisel :D

    Angle grinder + drill + screw extractor.

    A gassless mig turned up high makes a great ghetto plasma cutter when turned up high.
  • SpinsterSpinster Regular
    edited March 2012
    arc welder and Go rods FTW
  • bornkillerbornkiller Administrator In your girlfriends snatch
    edited March 2012
    Spinster wrote: »
    the best way to undo bolts is with hammer and chisel :D
    Or a gas axe...:thumbsup:
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited March 2012
    Anal Beads: The Anal Beads are used as a hook for soft rounded surfaces, onces the beads are inserted tools can be hanged from it. The surface is usually lubed before using the Anal Beads.
  • bornkillerbornkiller Administrator In your girlfriends snatch
    edited March 2012
    Dfg wrote: »
    Anal Beads: The Anal Beads are used as a hook for soft rounded surfaces, onces the beads are inserted tools can be hanged from it. The surface is usually lubed before using the Anal Beads.
    That's the exact reason I bought some ^ .... & nobody believed me. :(
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