Gamers Guide to Sex (A How To) — Totseans

Gamers Guide to Sex (A How To)

DfgDfg Admin
edited May 2012 in Life
Introduction. This is being written per some of my friends hearing a few analogies and demanding. Thus it is born. I hope someone out there can begin to use some of the things here and not take this too seriously. Secondly, this is not necessarily true for all girls. Guys if you ever reference this thing verbally while attempting to use, there is no check point or respawn. Game Over.

Beginning. Foreplay. Guys, you never start the game at the final boss, you have to work your way there. So the same goes here. When you choose a girl, its like a new world you just landed on. Pick your game, it doesn’t matter, every new world, planet, arena, or boss has a new set of challenges and dangers with inherent risk to the player. Proceed carefully. You have chosen your turf. Your weapons are your tongue and hands. Use them carefully. Ammo on hands is unlimited. Tongues, though the strongest muscle, do get exhausted/dried up. Therefor ammo should be conserved. The fingers can tease, the tongue can caress. These have to be guided. Think about it like pacman. If you move to the right areas and give a little nibble, its like a super power. This can be used wisely. Move around her body and experiment. The ears, neck, waist, and ribs can be a usual area to start. This being light kisses placed sporadically until one feels such a tremor to know the boss is wakening. Once found, these areas should be exploited until you hear the groaning of the final level from where you stand.

Second Level: (The bases begin) The next step gentlemen is to begin to move around the bases. (These things called sports are often used as metaphors, just think of it as a consecutive series with exponential growth between steps, but the series ends at a max of four.) If you wish to have all your base to belong to you, then pay attention. These next steps have to be approached carefully or her force fields will still be too strong. The previous step if well employed has allowed for a defense drop without trap cards waiting. There is no Mirror Force here. Thus we begin to proceed. We shall focus on the northern region gentlemen. These mountains to be attained are not to be trifled with lightly. One must take great concern. Many think to overtake the mountains with force, this wakes the rage of a dragon and the end of the game, cause lets face it, you aren’t ready for the dragon yet. (Okay fine, you have the energy, but not the weapons. Your enemy is too strong, just trust me) These mountains are to be treated like the precious pearls of cargo one must defend. They have to be treated like a controller. They have joysticks already laid out and waiting. But careful men, this controller is waiting the most sensitive of game. This is like a piloting game, the technicalities one must observe are direct and potent. If one screws up, crash and burn. But if one succeeds… It shall lead to a valiant gain. Guide the missiles or plane through a series of turns… NOT TWISTS… while maintaining a grip on the handle of the controller. This will land you further down the level and ready to proceed.

The Great Divide Gentlemen, now you have reached the great chasm. This place is one of the most holiest of grails. This while the place soon, is not where you swing your +20 Sword of Wood. Hold off on that adventure. (Your DM is here to guide you). Right now, you have one of those great recovery moments in any video game where you have a limited time countdown and a lot of button repetition. Except here there is no time limit or button combo coming at you. This sequence is more powerful than the most destructive combo in Street Fighter. Now the main thing to focus on here is location… Dear Heavens location location location… If you do not know what I am talking about, this is like trying to hit start while your hand is still on the Dpad… you are going about it the wrong way. This location of repetition is like the secret stone you have to find at the entrance to the final cave that holds a secret to defeating the Boss. Find it gentlemen, find it and wield it victoriously. For many have tried and few have succeeded. While this is going on with your dominant hand, there is always the partner who is kinda dopey but looking for a way to jump in on the adventure. Send this man on a continual tour of the previous areas while your main Character is going aggro downtown. The main idea here to repeat (catching a drift yet) is to get location and the RIGHT I do mean right, as in, you overdo this and game over buddy, amount of power. Once you have found the stone of power, (get it) you may being to send your scouts forth. Your main army, while eager, is not yet ready to breach. These scouts should be running info, never start by sending them all. lets face it. Once scout can get you all the info you need sometimes. Send the kid on a run through, get the lay of the land per ce. Now as you begin to explore, the final boss wakens. This is where you continue to scout for a while experimenting and sniping the Final Boss. These scouts will begin to move into the zone and create fortresses.

Hulk: Smash This is where you finally release the kraken. Yes you may throw it forth. (now don’t get me wrong, there is a good chance if your scouts were being effective, she did some scouting of her own. But being the good little Hero you held off on letting there be too much of a breach of interest.) Now you may begin to move your warthog forth into the terrain. You know where you are going. You know what you are doing. And you have sufficiently weakened the boss to make this an effective ploy. Like in most games, drive it too fast, you wont make it around the corners, you will get caught, flipped, or trapped, and wreck. This is bad. Gentlemen, this while the biggest charge is where the concern for future playthroughs comes in. Play a strong game gentlemen, but do not attempt a full out slaughter. Drag out the battle, wear her down, and stand victoriously over in triumph. Do not slam is like its a Mario ground pound repeatedly. This cause long term damage and can spring a trap card. You have reached the final level, if you have taken notes, there should be an obvious string of little details to remember which come in time. Walk tall, and go big gents. This is your biggest game yet.

Now if all was successful and you managed to slay the boss, (i do not mean just your own, if you ran out of hp but the boss hasnt fallen, go back to scouting while you recover, they can continue to snipe) Once you have vanquished this foe, you will forever win a sparring ally who will be indebted. Enjoy. But do not abuse.

Found it on RD. Interesting read.
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