*Please don't judge me*
I have a history of abusing painkillers. This started when I was prescribed painkillers for post surgical pain. I had a bunch of surgeries in succession & became dependent on them then I started abusing them just to get high. Right now, my tolerance is at 20 mg of Oxy with potentiators. This is a shit situation for someone with a problem like mine... I'm having surgery in about 2 months & the painkillers I will get prescribed will not affect the pain I'm going to have after the surgery. I realize the best I can hope to get prescribed for post surgical pain is 5 mg Oxy. That's if I'm lucky. The doctor could prescribe me 5 mg Vicodin. I would have to take a shitload of them. I'm a very small person so doctors don't prescribe me anything good because they think it won't take much to kill my pain. The first time I had surgery, I was prescribed 5 mg Vicodin & it got me high as a fucking kite. That wouldn't even affect me now.
I can't tell my surgeon about my tolerance because I'm afraid he put me on the blacklist for drug seekers/doctor shoppers. I have doctor shopped in the past. I never bought pills off the street, I always got scripts & one time I stole a fuckload of painkillers from someone I know then never spoke to them again. Yes, I know that is shitty but they weren't in pain, they had the painkillers lying around, they had been prescribed them but never took them. I never sought help for my problem because I didn't want to be put on the blacklist. I haven't abused painkillers in 2 months.
What I want to know is how to go about getting a decent script from my surgeon so I won't be in severe pain after I have surgery. If I got prescribed 5 mg Oxy, I would have to take 4-5 of them to kill my pain, I would go through my script very quickly & I would be ingesting a lot of acetaminophen. I would ultimately like to be prescribed 10 mg Oxy.
My other option would be going to the open air market to score painkillers. I really don't want to do this because I could get robbed, ripped off or make the mistake of buying from an undercover cop. I don't know any drug dealers or have friends that know drug dealers so the open air market would be the only way for me to buy off the street. I know if I get over my reservations of scoring on the street, I'll do it again & again & the cycle of painkiller abuse will never end.
I'm making this thread on here because you guys are really helpful. On other boards, they tend to act like you don't have a problem with opiates unless you're shooting up heroin every day. I have no desire to be apart of some contest of who is 'harder' because they have a higher tolerance than me. Advice is appreciated.
Comments
This is my typical collection. My tolerance is (on average) about 100mg Morphine a day (some plugged, some oral) and maybe some Tramadol if I have work to do as well as Benzos.
Full sized for your pleasure...
There I have: 112 valium pills, 200 Morphine Sulphate pills, countless tramadol pills as I barely take them, as well as about 120 codeine pills and 300ml of Oramorph (instant release Morphine Sulphate)
Also like you, I am due for surgery soon, and after spending a few days without having said painkillers, I realised the pain was all in my head, but that sparkly edge has gone from my life. But it means I can eat again (I have Crohn's Disease, not sure if you knew but the surgeons want to do an Ileostomy this Summer). I too, was worried about post-op painkiller dependance. Come Wednesday I am going to talk to my Doctor and see what there is for me in way of Rehabilitation as the pain can be so severe I cannot walk, but at other times I just pop them for the hell of it.
It was actually a combination of relationships and Crohn's that got me onto painkillers. The stress was too much and after realising that codeine
a) gave me more pleasure than sex
and
b) made me as limp as a marshmallow
I sabotaged every relationship I ever had with an Opiate and as a result it became a crutch. I didn't even know I was addicted. Much like the majority of the Middle Class who medicate either themselves or their kids and don't realise the implications.
Now if you wish to get more after surgery, you can play the sympathy game with your Doctor. It worked for me, and they have a duty of care to prescribe anything to alleviate these symptoms, especially if it is chronic (hence the surgery). I am also thinking "fuck, what will a life without opiates be like?!" but hey, who knows. Take life a day at a time. Also another helpful thing I had was that I could refill my scripts online and would choose the Doctor I got on really well with. Sometimes I genuinely lost/spilt my medication, and once made up it was stolen when I took more than I was supposed to. These are all methods Doctors are trained to spot, but although I hate to say it to this community, but i can bullshit my way out of a safe guarded by special forces. Genuinely. I just seem to have the gift of the gab. I've got away with countless shit I should have got in serious trouble for, and without shifting the blame.
Anyway, that there is your continuing option. Lie, make good relations with Doctors and practice lying.
If you wish to be honest, this can also help your case. The Doctor may be sitting there thinking "fuck me, ShadyTroll has been eating a lot of these pills...I think they're addicted". If you are honest, they will realise that you have an issue and in the UK at least, can only point you towards help, but have to keep prescribing you because of withdrawals. Honesty is a good tactic. Although I'm 3 days clean, I will be telling my Doc this in 2 days time.
If you wish to be off them for good, just taper. I went cold turkey and you can probably find my Tramadol withdrawal diary in the drug forum, but taper off. Self-discipline is key and you will feel crap, but also you'll get mad euphoric rushes and your tolerance will drop. Sure, we all have a binge from time to time but it won't ring alarm bells at the Doctors and Dispensary (lol, I was on first name terms with my dispenser, and they must have clicked as my pupils were pinpoints 24/7, and with the amount I went through, it was no secret I sold them as one of the dispensary girls was the boyfriend of the housemate who the guy I sold to lived with. So when I was round to deliver, she was there and it looked shady...)
There are your two options. I'm glad I found this thread as I am in exactly the same situation as you, but have decided that I will have to come clean after 6 years of living the dream. It was all in my head, and now reality is coming, hard. I was thinking earlier that I used to say "Mum, I'd never do Heroin...I couldn't deal with needles" and there I was, so low one point that I binged my way through 150mg Morphine, 400mg Tramadol, 30mg Valium and a small lump of opium in a day. I also had a syringe up my arse to shoot morphine up there whilst on Teamspeak and Dfg made me laugh so hard it shot out about 12".
Anyway. Sorry for the ramble. Hope you found something useful in there
You can always come clean and ask the surgeon and honestly ask him to help you out. You can even spin the story that for some reason the pain killers don't work on you. You can tell him about your previous surgery and you can easily stress that large or small dosages don't work.
There are other creative ways but you know already that the only cure is to take the high road and fight it through. I have been reading a lot about motivation and I am blessed with the ability to motivate others. I can't ship you pain killers from Pakistan because I avoid pills as much as possible. But I can talk to you and comfort you or listen to your problems. We're all family here and I don't mind giving you some time to help you recover and change your life. I am available on Skype (lord.dfg) and forums if you need me.
In the end, you can fight this, you just have to fight for it. I will do some research and ask around if there is a solution, I am sure there would be.
Oh and follow RemadE advice. He is the best. He is also my source of motivation. I have decided to stay away from drugs or needles or PK or even smokes just because of him.
thanks for FuckingDIY for being helpful. By Edvurt
Haha..
Fuck you
:hai: Teamspeak bum syringe FTW!
Also www.reddit.com/r/opiates is a good community, and has links to recovery subreddits :thumbsup:
True Story .
Tramadol doesn't do shit for me, lol. I have a fuckload of them lying around, I won't bother with them. If you take so much morphine, how does Tramdol even affect you?
Early on, I realized I could milk my surgeon for scripts. Like the day after my surgery, I would say the painkillers aren't helping my pain, I'm in agony, etc & would get a another script. Then when that would run out, I would complain I'm still in pain & bam, another script. In between surgeries, I would doctor shop. I would make up imaginary pain or if I had the slightest injury, I would go to the doctor & bitch & moan about my pain to get a script.
At least my tolerance isn't that bad. I'm a very petite person so it doesn't take as much to affect me as it would say a 6 ft man.
I got into all this when I was very depressed after having the first surgery. It didn't work & I was angry & bitter. I was also in severe pain. I had 3 body parts cut open & it was excuisiating. I took so many painkillers I became dependent on them. I wound up spending years having repeated surgeries. I'm in my twenties & I spent the best years of my life sitting in my house recovering from surgeries.
I cannot come clean with the surgeon about this. The thing is getting blacklisted for doctor shopping/drug seeking is very serious. I've technically committed insurance fraud since I used my health insurance to see doctors to get painkillers for imaginary pain (doctor shopping). Other times, I greatly exaggerated my pain. I can't risk possibly losing my health insurance.
The new surgeon knows about the previous surgeries. I guess I can see what script he will give me (I won't get it till right before the surgery) & see what it is. If it's something super shitty like Vicodin, I'll tell him it doesn't really affect me. If he gave me a script for 5 mg Oxy, I could always call up the next day & say I've tried taking 3 & it's not killing my pain. I've found doctors seem to freak out if you tell them you're taking more than 2 because of the acetaminophen.
I'll check out the PDF.
Physical therapy is not an option because of where I am being operated on. I think that guy assumed it was something like my leg or arm & it's not, I'm having my insides operated on.
As for being blacklisted because of pill shopping, it seems a big thing in America (via the news here). Shame because rehabilitation > punishment as then Opiates seem like the release you always need. If coming clean is 100% not an option, not at all, which I'm sure can be sorted, then unfortunately more extreme measures might have to be in place. In the UK we have Pain Clinics which I am going to today for my rehab before surgery as I can't imagine my life after surgery without drugs of one form or another. Some have alcohol, some have weed, I have pharmaceuticals. If you have to get onto the shady part of buying drugs then I can only hope you have the money and patience to deal with things. I don't want to see you go to prison or anything, which is why looking at starting a dialogue with your Doctor or one you are friendly with seems an option to me, because there must be one out there.
This is an example of the news stories in the UK. This guy is a bit of a moron though.
Also all my benzodiazepenes have stopped, tapering off with some I was given (if need be).
Managed to go 4 days using the quick release liquid Oramorph, and managed to hold out, despite a couple of really intense Valium cravings so fingers crossed I make it out. Unfortunately the Doctor is keeping me on Tramadol as "it's a really good painkiller", "No it's not!" I said back, through a flurry of thoughts - on the one hand wanting to kick it again and return my serotonin levels back to normal, and the other, to enjoy the buzzed high I get from it, like a morning coffee. So he has kept me on the Tramadol and Oramorph, as well as tapering me off the Valium, but if I can resist the cravings, then I can keep them for my Operation as no doubt I will need some happy pills the week before it to stop me from going all emo on the World.
So Shady, I sort of know your predicament. If there is even a slight hunch of abuse with my current drugs (as I have to see him in person to re-order, as opposed to my last Doctor who let me reorder them online via a repeat prescription form) then I will be moved from mid-level rehab to something more thumbscrew-like.
Edit:- My Mum also showed him a prescription I had from my old Doctor at Uni and there was no Morphine or Valium on it so he asked where I got it from, assuming that I had dealers that weren't in white coats behind a counter. I never left a paper trail and it was actually this Doctors' co-worker who started me on the Valium last August when I was breaking up with my ex. I never took it often (2 or 3 x 5mg pills a week, sometimes more when I had to do my jabs or went out to keep my hand steady or get pissed quicker). It's a shame, really, assuming a kid he has known for the best part of 8 years buying and possibly selling drugs illegally.
That sucks. I know how it feels to be cut off. I was getting painkillers for the pain I had for legit shoulder injury. I have an MRI to back it. First she gave me Tradmol which didn't do shit so I went back & she gave me Vicodin, it did help till my tolerance went up & I had to so many I was taking in too much aspirin that is in them. So, she gave me 5 mg Oxy, 120 of them. I abused them all.
My physical therapist wanted to see a copy of the MRI & under the notes, my doctor put something like I'm having a disproportionate amount of pain for that type of injury. So, I gather she is suspicious of me & I will never get painkillers from that doctor again.
Yep, that blacklisting shit is why I never sought help when I needed it. I wasn't a junkie but I did have a problem. I don't want to be blaclisted because then I would have to be without painkillers after surgery. They make the problem worse by basically criminalizing getting help because if you get help, you get blacklisted.
It's been a few months since I've abused painkillers. Everything is so shitty right now & I can't stop thinking about going to the open air market to score.
As for being blacklisted, what about shopping around from different Doctors? There must be a way. In all honesty though, I'd only get back into it of the withdrawals are unbearable. Being off Opiates (well, my average intake is now 30mg short-acting morphine a day as opposed to 120mg suspended release) has made my brain feel great. Just have massive smiles and life feels better. I know how life feels when you can't even imagine sobriety - but you're stronger than you think.