My Struggle with Depression and Life in General — Totseans

My Struggle with Depression and Life in General

DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
edited October 2013 in Life
Firstly I’m a 23 year old guy who has suffered from one problem or another during my life. It definitely hasn't been a smooth ride although most people have a rough patch or two so I can't complain too much but anyway. This year I finally sought help with the "issues" that have plagued me since childhood, one of which is depression and the other is low self esteem. In this post I am going to explore deep into my life and as such this is my life story for some part.


Anyway like any good story I shall start from the beginning. I grew up living in the country for the first seven years of my life, started school at age five and had a few issues there. This was mainly me being violent towards my class mates when I didn't get my own way, beating the shit out of them and what not. I was a cunt of a child at that age, I’m not going to lie and it consisted of numerous trips to the principal’s office and my parents being called regularly. I was first taken for counselling at around age seven to address these issues and it helped. I mellowed out and started getting on with people, even made a few friends at school which was great. Back then I was the more outgoing one of me and my brother, me having a large group of friends and him tagging along behind as brothers do. That never worried me as me and him have always been fairly close. About a year later this changed as the bullying started and as the school principal of the second school I attended (we had moved into town by this stage) was a complete pushover, never did anything to address it. As a result of this, I changed schools shortly after this which helped. The school was more "upmarket" and didn't have the same problem demographic that the last school had. By this stage I had a very small group of mates and found myself a girlfriend which didn't last long while my brother passed me as the more outgoing one of us and I retreated into my shell as it were. I believe this is where things began to go downhill and where I began to develop extreme trust issues in my life. To this day I struggle to open up to and trust people I barely know. It has destroyed relationships with people as a result. The last few years have seen this side of me become worse to the point that I completely shut people out of my life and have very little to say IRL. I find conversation with people I don't know really well very difficult but am very outgoing among close friends and family. To be honest it scares the living shit out of me. Of course most people see it in a negative light and quickly loose interest in me, my ex girlfriend for example.

2004 I started high school. I started kicking around with a few mates from primary school when I first started and remained friends throughout school. Although I was considered shy to a point, I was outgoing among my mates and as we all had similar interests, spent lots of time hanging out on weekends and after school. I hated school, never derived much enjoyment from it apart from science and technology. I had continuous arguments with teachers as a result of this and was kicked out of class more times than I care to remember. Around 2006/2007 my parents split up which affected me greatly. As a result I slowly withdrew from any social activities and began putting friends and people in general at a distance. I think I used it as a coping mechanism to prevent any hurt feelings as a result of people fucking me over on a regular basis as per usual during my school years and my parents’ divorce only amplified that.

By the end of 2007 I dropped out of school. I went on to work as an electrical apprentice for around three months before my "quiet personality" and low self esteem fucked that up big time and I was let go. Same with the job after that. During 2008 me and my father had a major falling out which resulted in me packing up my belongings and moving in with my mum and her partner at the time. We didn't speak for months until I was involved in a car accident and we got talking again once I realised how close I came to death and I didn't want to die without patching things up with him. I went to polytechnic and studied electrical engineering and met some like minded guys and quickly became mates with most of the guys in my class. Mostly they all enjoyed smoking cannabis and I quickly fell into that world. I remember a Fijian Indian guy by the name of Avinesh who I regularly brought weed off of and although could have brought other drugs off of him, never saw the point. The course finished mid 2009 and I was left unemployed for around 6 months and as a result, went on an unemployment benefit. I found a job as a sign writer soon after. I hated that job. The boss was an absolute cunt of a guy to work with and constantly pissed and moaned about every little fucking detail. I ended up ringing in one morning early 2010 to tell him to shove the job up his arse and fucked off to Samoa with my brother and dad for two weeks. Best holiday I have had so far and the stress of the last job just melted away. Of course I had to find a job soon after getting home so I ended up going and picking kiwifruit for a day until they fucked me over as well. As it was organised by Work and Income NZ (unemployment benefit organiser), it fucked up any chance of a benefit while I looked for another job. Basically they said I never tried hard enough and this and that. I'm not the strongest guy in the world and the heavy lifting wore me down quickly. Of course I was told I had no leg to stand on when I appealed the decision which fucked me off monumentally. Given they called me the day of my grandfather's funeral and left a message telling me so, I called the cunt who I worked for and told him I would kill him and his family in their sleep. Fuck I was ready to kill small children by the end of that phone call.

April 2010 my grandfather passed away and that quite literally destroyed me. I was very close to him so when I got that phone call at around 12 pm on the 23 of April 2010 it was like someone had beaten the shit out of me with a sledge hammer. To top it all off, my mum was in Australia and I had to call her and say her father had passed away. That is by far the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. It still haunts me to this day and probably will for the rest of my life. I withdrew from life completely after that. I spent around six months of rarely leaving the house and sat around all day smoking weed and drinking. I went to bury my grandfather’s ashes half pissed as a result. The rest of that year involved smoking weed and drinking while staying up late at night gaming and posting on various internet forums while feeling sorry for myself and eventually found totse.info of all places. I had found totse.com during my high school years but never joined but loved the text files and forum. Totse.info became an outlet for me and has been so since then. Personally I don't know where I would be if I didn't have that outlet to express myself and vent my anger from time to time. It became a second home to me basically. October 2010 I finally found a job at a local supermarket where I still work to this day. I slowly tried to get close to people again but my depression and low self esteem made that hard. I had contemplated suicide a few times during this time. I even found myself searching for music to be played at my funeral among other things. Chances are I would have put a shotgun in my mouth that year if I owned one. I came to the realisation that I couldn't put my family through that or have them find me with my head blown off and a shotgun on my lap.

I started falling back into old habits, getting high on various medications like codeine and robotussin (DXM) which I found in the bathroom at home one day. That ended up with me violently ill and me shitting myself and vomiting on my bedroom floor and passing out. Never again, that stuff is evil. I continued to use codeine to get through my days off from work, smoking Salvia with it which make me feel completely awesome and made things peaceful. Of course there was the histamine reaction as the codeine is metabolised into morphine which sucked but didn't deter me one bit. Should have taken some promethazine but didn't bother. Eventually I ran out and gave up. The withdrawals weren't as bad as I thought although I was fiending something shocking. I would do cold water extractions most nights to get the paracetamol out of the tablets and proceed to fuck myself up. Enjoyable yes but it took up a lot of my time. It lead to an interest in pharmacology, mainly how certain drugs get you high and what not. At times there were points where I wondered if I'd wake up following a high codeine dose considering my low tolerance. At the time a drug overdose didn't worry me one bit although I think back to how I could have killed myself some days. Opiate overdoses are supposedly painless for the most part so long as you don't wake up. I would end up in some dark places at times. Early 2013 I got excited when my doctor was going to prescribe me Lorazepam to calm me down but she decided not to. I probably would have started abusing benzos if she had.

2011 I started university which started off pretty well but I quickly lost the motivation to carry on with it and dropped out after my first year. To this day I’m not sure if it was a lack of motivation or just that I didn't enjoy it. I went back to working almost full time at the supermarket. 2012 was another uneventful year. I went out and socialised with some work mates and had a shit load of fun and spent most of that year working and posting on totse. Smoked a bit of weed, drank plenty of piss and even fucked some random whore that I met on an online dating site which I would rather forget. Needless to say, it would rate as the most fucked up sexual experience I have ever had. Fuck I could have been walking into an abduction and arse raping. I hoped it would make me feel better but all i felt was disgust in myself. I had to have a cold shower when I got home to try and wash away what I was feeling while washing myself with heavy duty disinfectant which was rather unpleasant when I applied it to my schlong. Live and learn I suppose but fuck I felt filthy. My rage toward the world was ever increasing through the year and reached breaking point early 2013. My mum staged an intervention then and I went to see a doctor who referred me onto a counsellor who helped me to a point but I quickly slipped back into old habits meanwhile that anger continued to build. I had a few minor panic attacks but haven't had anything since thank fuck. Spent some time setting up Radio Totse and broadcasting pirate radio each weekend having some fun and playing some heavy metal and hard rock while unwinding with a beer in one hand and a mic in the other. It has been that second outlet I have and the social side of it is pretty awesome. Talking to fellow pirates and what not.

There were times when I wanted to kill some people for fucking with my family. Eventually I contemplated killing myself again and began sitting down to think of a painless way to do it. Me knowing a bit about biology and chemistry, I thought of getting a bottle of Argon from the local BOC industrial gas supplier and gassing myself. The human body being unable to detect a lack of oxygen, you lose consciousness and die from hypoxia. I gave up on the idea and carried on with life until late August when I had a major fight with my mum and took off with the intention of committing suicide yet again. Of course I never went through with it mainly as I couldn't think of a decent way to do it and that's when my family decided to get me some help. I managed to scare most of my family as my mother began calling everyone to see if I had gone to visit someone and cool down.

The violent outbursts continued soon after the first lot of counselling. Small things like my laptop shit itself so I kicked it out the door and later took to it with a sledge hammer or nearly punching my mum over once or twice among other things. I smacked my step dad with a spade and punched a window out one day because he made an offensive remark towards my mum although my brother smacked him as well. The cops later turned up and said I was justified in hitting him. We get along fine now. Just needed to clear the air. I'm actually lucky I wasn't arrested that night for assault with a weapon. It got to a point where my family worried I would physically abuse my future partner if I was pushed far enough although I couldn't see myself doing that as I cannot stand people who beat their girlfriends or are controlling in a relationship.

First week of September the doctor put me on Fluoxetine 20 mg to help with my depression. One week after that I entered a relationship with a girl from work. I told her about the issues I am facing and one thing lead to another and the relationship ended suddenly 9 days later. That really hurt me to be honest and I began to blame myself for not following my rules of not letting people get close to me. Eventually I gave up thinking that way and decided to forgive and forget and move on with my life and my treatment. I applied to become a supervisor at work the following day and I start my counselling on Tuesday and hopefully I can beat this thing before it consumes me. I spoke to my ex girlfriend who I work with to clear the air and needed to get a few things off my chest which helped. I needed to be the bigger person in this case, forgive and forget as my last counsellor told me. Plus I didn't want to destroy a friendship all because I was too pig headed to forgive her. Where is once I would have held a grudge for years. I see that as a pointless exercise now and I can see im not that sort of hateful person I thought I was.

So how am I feeling at this time you ask? Well to be perfectly honest I feel fucking excellent. I'm not strung out any more, little things don’t monumentally fuck me off any more and the people I thought were complete cunts aren't all that bad. Some of them anyway, the others... well you get the point. I'm coming to terms with the fact that someone will fuck your shit over but it’s only a problem if you let it become one. Tell them to get fucked and move on and forget it. Feels fucking excellent when you can let go of all the bullshit and when you stop over thinking every little occurrence in life. Fuck I cannot believe how much time I wasted worrying about the insignificant little details or trying to control things that I have no control over. Accept it for what it is and move on. That and let go of any grudges you hold as they will slowly consume you if you hold onto that hatred. I also feel like life is worth living now. Besides I want to see Rammstein play live before I die haha biggrin.gif.




Yeah I know it’s a long post but it feels good to get it all out there.

Daktologist.

Comments

  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited September 2013
    Thanks for posting this, I will read it and hopefully offer you some advice or support if possible. But judging from what I have known about you from totse and totseans, you're a good person bro.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited September 2013
    Dfg wrote: »
    Thanks for posting this, I will read it and hopefully offer you some advice or support if possible. But judging from what I have known about you from totse and totseans, you're a good person bro.


    Cheers bro :D

    (I also hit edit post by mistake :facepalm:)
  • ArkansanArkansan Regular
    edited September 2013
    Glad to see that your in a good place now brother. It feels fucking nice to get your story out in the air sometimes huh? Lot of similarities in our stories, this last year I too finally decided to take some proactive steps in dealing with depression and anxiety. I still struggle but it is starting to look like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited October 2013
    Arkansan wrote: »
    Glad to see that your in a good place now brother. It feels fucking nice to get your story out in the air sometimes huh? Lot of similarities in our stories, this last year I too finally decided to take some proactive steps in dealing with depression and anxiety. I still struggle but it is starting to look like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Thanks bro. Things are easier now that I don't have a reject for a girlfriend lol. To be honest she did more harm than good. I feel better about myself now that me and her are over.
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited October 2013
    I am actually a bit angry at you for not sharing this with us and especially me. It pains me to see you go through all this crap alone, listen bro. Regardless of what anyone things, we're a family. You and me and the rest of the totseans, we're brothers. Given a chance I would happily spent hours talking to you, supporting you and motivating you through all this. I may not be the best guy in the world but I am sure I can be the foundation you needed.

    But that's in the past, what impresses me is the recovery and the will to improve. That alone my friend is worth clapping. I am not going to lie to you, placed in your situation I might have done worse, if anything my tour to Philippines shows how much I need to improve in life, how much I want to be a better person and how much I need to care for important people in my life.

    You Sir are a talented fucker, I am not kidding. I envy you when it comes to electronics because I totally suck at it, I wish I could setup a Radio Station but I am actually glad I know someone actually I know someone in my extended family that can do it and I know times are hard and they will get harder but man you're a fucking warrior.

    What makes me happy is totse.info/totseans actually played a role in keeping you grounded, most people don't comprehend it, the ONLY reason why I am not going out beating people or just being an ugly self centered fucking cunt is because of THIS fucking community, you guys made me humble, you guys made me discover what I can do. And I will say it infront of a fucking crowd with loads guns pointing at me, one of the best decisions of my life was being with this community.

    So, my friend and brother, I am glad to see you get back on your feet and I am here, always here with open arms. I am not going to leave you hanging. I saw your GTA Review and I was like, FUCK ME. This guy can write, and it's the perfect guy I need to help me do something epic. Plus I wish I could listen into your Radio, hell FUCK ME for not making a page for it and telling people to tune into it, and while we're at it, I think we can do a web stream or something.


    Look man this world is full of possibilities, and this place will always be your home. Use it as your outlet to go nuts, talk about anything you like, hell use it as a blog, use the wordpress www.totseans.com, You have the access if not, tell me and I will let you in. Start writing stuff, make reviews, fuck review everything, share your feelings, revisit your past but document it, so anyone in your shoes would come see your past and pain and learn from it and that's how you will find more and more people.

    I know you're introvert and it's hard but you made it this far, it doesn't hurt to reach out further. In short, keep us in the loop bro, if you ever feel lonely, Skype me, Facebook me, Twitter me. Regardless of the timezone I will get back to you. I am sorry it took me a while to get back to this thread, I waited till I could read it completely and answer it honestly. You matter to us, hell right now I keep thinking of RemadE and Chippy and even Trx100.

    So, don't give in, we're here.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited October 2013
    I feel as though all of you totseans are like my long lost brothers who I'd love to sit and have a few beers with and talk shit with. I fucking love you guys (no homo). Even though I have never met you guys IRL, I feel a strong bond connecting each and everyone of us. That is what separates us from the other mortals that infest this planet :D

    I honestly don't know what my life would be like if all of you hadn't enriched it in one way or another so thanks a lot brothers :D.
  • DfgDfg Admin
    edited October 2013
    I feel as though all of you totseans are like my long lost brothers who I'd love to sit and have a few beers with and talk shit with. I fucking love you guys (no homo). Even though I have never met you guys IRL, I feel a strong bond connecting each and everyone of us. That is what separates us from the other mortals that infest this planet :D

    I honestly don't know what my life would be like if all of you hadn't enriched it in one way or another so thanks a lot brothers :D.

    I love you too mate (nohomo (yes I got tested for it, still straight))

    We're a family :)
  • Darth BeaverDarth Beaver Meine Ehre heißt Treue
    edited October 2013
    Don't worry in another 30 years or so you will be kind of numb but in complete control, that's when the fun starts.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited October 2013
    Dude, that is quite the read. Props to you for being so candid - most wouldn't even admit to anything online now, so fair play.

    The things that hit home were spooky, too. I'm 23, my Grandfather also died on the 23rd of April, Codeine, I was depressed as shit before and after University..there's a few more bits that got me wide-eyed.

    I have more respect for Men who are depressed, and I wish we were more vocal. The society we live in where you can be told to "man up" and not have a good rant/moan about things, leaving them to simmer over time until one day you just snap...it's not good. Females do tend to get it easier, especially the stigma of anti-depressants. They didn't work for me, instead I hit the Benzo train (eek), but are you still on them now? I was put on Citalopram, Prozac and them Mirtazepine. All of which gave me worse "trips" than the depths of Mushroom-induced Hell.

    Glad to see you're on the up now, and you're right - grudges aren't worth the hassle/time you dedicate to them. Learning to not give a fuck and just move on is so important. It may seem harsh, and I for one have been told I'm "cold", "heartless" and "a total bastard (how could you do that?! BAWW)" but the truth of the matter is time will never stop. It's the one thing you cannot buy back, so make the most of it and have a good setup to vent to, never letting the pot simmer and overflow so to speak.

    Males and Mental Health. It needs to be addressed more. Weird how my "diagnosis" (I think it's just me being a cunt) of Borderline Personality is about 75% female and 25% male, but in Prison, somewhere around the region of 70% of Men are diagnosed with it or come in with the symptoms. I wish i could find the source, but it's crazy just how quiet we keep about things. It's not shameful to ask for help. Only recently i've had the guts to get in touch with old mates, both here and IRL, and I'm already feeling better, making plans etc.

    Keep up the good work, Brethren. There's a guy all the way in the UK who thinks of you. Weird to think how &T shaped the Teenage years of not just me and those I met on this Isle, but worldwide, at that age.

    Brohug :)
  • bornkillerbornkiller Administrator In your girlfriends snatch
    edited October 2013
    Glad you got your shit together Dak. Although I may not have experienced depression first hand i have an ex who suffers with it.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited October 2013
    Yeah they still have me on the 20mg per day Fluoxetine. As far as side effects go, I have no real problems. People say it effects sexual performance something shocking but I haven't found that to be the case. Must depend on the person taking it for the most part. I have regular counselling sessions which I find helpful.

    My ex girlfriend has decided to start a grudge with me even though I thought we had put all the shit behind us which is somewhat difficult as she and I work together. Strange how you can do nothing wrong and they still hate you lol, but shit happens. I'm just enjoying being single and sorting my life out. Shit is all good :D
  • (nameless one)(nameless one) Regular
    edited October 2013
    I didn't really read the post because its too damn long.

    All I gotta say is that no matter how crap the situation is, you just gotta make the best out of a bad situation. Remember, everyone shits. It's okay.

    I hope you're feeling better now. The world is filled with fuckers. You will get fucked but don't let that get to you. Make the best out of a bad situation.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited October 2013
    I didn't really read the post because its too damn long.

    All I gotta say is that no matter how crap the situation is, you just gotta make the best out of a bad situation. Remember, everyone shits. It's okay.

    I hope you're feeling better now. The world is filled with fuckers. You will get fucked but don't let that get to you. Make the best out of a bad situation.

    Thats how im now seeing things now too. They are fuckers and have not only fucked you but fucked numerous others because they are just complete fuck wits. I can forgive "her" for fucking me over, It doesn't change the fact that she is a fucked up piece of shit but I just don't dwell on the fact that she is a fucked up piece of shit any more.

    You just have to deal with all of the fuckers and cunts until you find the one that fits in with who you are. Finding the correct piece of the puzzle as it were. You just have to try all the other non matching pieces until you do.
  • DaktologistDaktologist Global Moderator
    edited October 2013
    Well curiosity got the better of me when I heard about someone asking the ex on ask.fm why she broke up with me. Seeing its anonymous, I thought I would press the issue as I never got a actual reason why she left when she did. Anyway I see the following...

    "Yes, I have my faults and make my mistakes, but breaking up with **** wasn't one of them. It was the best thing for me, and I refuse to say that putting myself first for once is a crime! Yes, I broke up with him via text message. I don't regret that either (this is the part that took me by surprise). That was how it needed it be"

    Followed by...

    "I broke up with him because his depression and other problems were too much for me to handle. I had to do what I felt was right for me" (yeah sure, my depression is your problem)

    "I didn't run away from anything. I backed out before it got dangerous and I got in too deep. The fact of the matter is WE JUST DIDNT WORK! It's none of your business" (Dangerous?. Shit really?. Fuck me :facepalm:)

    146238S.jpg

    Story of my life right here. So that explains the missing details. I really need a new job. Seeing her at work on a daily basis is beginning to really piss me off. Never screw the crew, only bad things can come from it in the long run. Kinda surprises me how a sheltered upbringing can create such social problems in a person unlike myself who got away with pretty much anything. Drinking, drugs, girls, cars, parties. I loved my teenage years. Guess that is what made us polar opposites.

    Life is rather enjoyable now. I have the motivation to do shit and just enjoy life far more. Just need to sort out the government funding for my counselling this week. I've even felt the urge to post more on here and go out and do interesting shit. Might take a couple weeks of work and go to the beach and go fishing. Fucking love being near the ocean.
  • RemadERemadE Global Moderator
    edited October 2013
    I always had shitty side effects from Anti-Depressants which have left me with an, admittedly, jaded view of those who take them as not being in touch with reality. Everything from hallucinations (visual and auditory), panic attacks, long nights of sleepless sweats and cycles between 2am suicidal thoughts and 4am "let's go for a run!" manic moments, leaving me exhausted come the morning be it becase I went out wandering, worrying family members or just had 3-4 days of minimal sleep (an accurate representation would be this scene from "Get Him to the Greek"). What made me laugh is that I also got bashed for finding answers to some of lifes sucky problems through mushrooms - and I came to the realisation that people don't do drugs, they are drugs, as nobody has the same grasp on reality. Some need pills to cope, others need meditation, others like to take substances - all to balance or pump up the Dopamine/Serotonin (thanks to the podcast with Dennis Mckenna in my signature).

    Anyway, with relationships...I think as Guys, we are supposed to be stoic as I said before, and I know my clingy nature mixed with sudden periods of anger, anxiety, depersonalisation and other shite usually spells trouble not long down the road. I've got a great ability to cut off people from my life, a length of a friendship needn't dictate quality and this freaked out my current GF when she begged me to get back talking to an old friend that just turned into a dick. Plus I cannot hang around with anyone doing illegal drugs now. I've been saving a lot of money, my impulse control is shocking and life is on track for the first time since leaving University.

    So I suppose I'm similar to you, Dak. I've been accused of emotional fuckery (although not depressed-like) by my Ex partners, heck, even friends, but at the end of the day, getting and maintaining friendships is like throwing shit at a wall. Some will stick, some will fall and you should have a blast in the process. You had the balls to post this and I commend you for it. Got me thinking )I've written a pre and post-Uni autobiography to "set" me in place in life, as I found it really helped), so should do an updated version.

    Us &ToTSE chaps are a rare breed, methinks. As for everyone else? Their loss.

    Edit: As for motivation, remember that discipline is the other half of it.
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