Firstly I’m a 23 year old guy who has suffered from one problem or another during my life. It definitely hasn't been a smooth ride although most people have a rough patch or two so I can't complain too much but anyway. This year I finally sought help with the "issues" that have plagued me since childhood, one of which is depression and the other is low self esteem. In this post I am going to explore deep into my life and as such this is my life story for some part.
Anyway like any good story I shall start from the beginning. I grew up living in the country for the first seven years of my life, started school at age five and had a few issues there. This was mainly me being violent towards my class mates when I didn't get my own way, beating the shit out of them and what not. I was a cunt of a child at that age, I’m not going to lie and it consisted of numerous trips to the principal’s office and my parents being called regularly. I was first taken for counselling at around age seven to address these issues and it helped. I mellowed out and started getting on with people, even made a few friends at school which was great. Back then I was the more outgoing one of me and my brother, me having a large group of friends and him tagging along behind as brothers do. That never worried me as me and him have always been fairly close. About a year later this changed as the bullying started and as the school principal of the second school I attended (we had moved into town by this stage) was a complete pushover, never did anything to address it. As a result of this, I changed schools shortly after this which helped. The school was more "upmarket" and didn't have the same problem demographic that the last school had. By this stage I had a very small group of mates and found myself a girlfriend which didn't last long while my brother passed me as the more outgoing one of us and I retreated into my shell as it were. I believe this is where things began to go downhill and where I began to develop extreme trust issues in my life. To this day I struggle to open up to and trust people I barely know. It has destroyed relationships with people as a result. The last few years have seen this side of me become worse to the point that I completely shut people out of my life and have very little to say IRL. I find conversation with people I don't know really well very difficult but am very outgoing among close friends and family. To be honest it scares the living shit out of me. Of course most people see it in a negative light and quickly loose interest in me, my ex girlfriend for example.
2004 I started high school. I started kicking around with a few mates from primary school when I first started and remained friends throughout school. Although I was considered shy to a point, I was outgoing among my mates and as we all had similar interests, spent lots of time hanging out on weekends and after school. I hated school, never derived much enjoyment from it apart from science and technology. I had continuous arguments with teachers as a result of this and was kicked out of class more times than I care to remember. Around 2006/2007 my parents split up which affected me greatly. As a result I slowly withdrew from any social activities and began putting friends and people in general at a distance. I think I used it as a coping mechanism to prevent any hurt feelings as a result of people fucking me over on a regular basis as per usual during my school years and my parents’ divorce only amplified that.
By the end of 2007 I dropped out of school. I went on to work as an electrical apprentice for around three months before my "quiet personality" and low self esteem fucked that up big time and I was let go. Same with the job after that. During 2008 me and my father had a major falling out which resulted in me packing up my belongings and moving in with my mum and her partner at the time. We didn't speak for months until I was involved in a car accident and we got talking again once I realised how close I came to death and I didn't want to die without patching things up with him. I went to polytechnic and studied electrical engineering and met some like minded guys and quickly became mates with most of the guys in my class. Mostly they all enjoyed smoking cannabis and I quickly fell into that world. I remember a Fijian Indian guy by the name of Avinesh who I regularly brought weed off of and although could have brought other drugs off of him, never saw the point. The course finished mid 2009 and I was left unemployed for around 6 months and as a result, went on an unemployment benefit. I found a job as a sign writer soon after. I hated that job. The boss was an absolute cunt of a guy to work with and constantly pissed and moaned about every little fucking detail. I ended up ringing in one morning early 2010 to tell him to shove the job up his arse and fucked off to Samoa with my brother and dad for two weeks. Best holiday I have had so far and the stress of the last job just melted away. Of course I had to find a job soon after getting home so I ended up going and picking kiwifruit for a day until they fucked me over as well. As it was organised by Work and Income NZ (unemployment benefit organiser), it fucked up any chance of a benefit while I looked for another job. Basically they said I never tried hard enough and this and that. I'm not the strongest guy in the world and the heavy lifting wore me down quickly. Of course I was told I had no leg to stand on when I appealed the decision which fucked me off monumentally. Given they called me the day of my grandfather's funeral and left a message telling me so, I called the cunt who I worked for and told him I would kill him and his family in their sleep. Fuck I was ready to kill small children by the end of that phone call.
April 2010 my grandfather passed away and that quite literally destroyed me. I was very close to him so when I got that phone call at around 12 pm on the 23 of April 2010 it was like someone had beaten the shit out of me with a sledge hammer. To top it all off, my mum was in Australia and I had to call her and say her father had passed away. That is by far the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. It still haunts me to this day and probably will for the rest of my life. I withdrew from life completely after that. I spent around six months of rarely leaving the house and sat around all day smoking weed and drinking. I went to bury my grandfather’s ashes half pissed as a result. The rest of that year involved smoking weed and drinking while staying up late at night gaming and posting on various internet forums while feeling sorry for myself and eventually found totse.info of all places. I had found totse.com during my high school years but never joined but loved the text files and forum. Totse.info became an outlet for me and has been so since then. Personally I don't know where I would be if I didn't have that outlet to express myself and vent my anger from time to time. It became a second home to me basically. October 2010 I finally found a job at a local supermarket where I still work to this day. I slowly tried to get close to people again but my depression and low self esteem made that hard. I had contemplated suicide a few times during this time. I even found myself searching for music to be played at my funeral among other things. Chances are I would have put a shotgun in my mouth that year if I owned one. I came to the realisation that I couldn't put my family through that or have them find me with my head blown off and a shotgun on my lap.
I started falling back into old habits, getting high on various medications like codeine and robotussin (DXM) which I found in the bathroom at home one day. That ended up with me violently ill and me shitting myself and vomiting on my bedroom floor and passing out. Never again, that stuff is evil. I continued to use codeine to get through my days off from work, smoking Salvia with it which make me feel completely awesome and made things peaceful. Of course there was the histamine reaction as the codeine is metabolised into morphine which sucked but didn't deter me one bit. Should have taken some promethazine but didn't bother. Eventually I ran out and gave up. The withdrawals weren't as bad as I thought although I was fiending something shocking. I would do cold water extractions most nights to get the paracetamol out of the tablets and proceed to fuck myself up. Enjoyable yes but it took up a lot of my time. It lead to an interest in pharmacology, mainly how certain drugs get you high and what not. At times there were points where I wondered if I'd wake up following a high codeine dose considering my low tolerance. At the time a drug overdose didn't worry me one bit although I think back to how I could have killed myself some days. Opiate overdoses are supposedly painless for the most part so long as you don't wake up. I would end up in some dark places at times. Early 2013 I got excited when my doctor was going to prescribe me Lorazepam to calm me down but she decided not to. I probably would have started abusing benzos if she had.
2011 I started university which started off pretty well but I quickly lost the motivation to carry on with it and dropped out after my first year. To this day I’m not sure if it was a lack of motivation or just that I didn't enjoy it. I went back to working almost full time at the supermarket. 2012 was another uneventful year. I went out and socialised with some work mates and had a shit load of fun and spent most of that year working and posting on totse. Smoked a bit of weed, drank plenty of piss and even fucked some random whore that I met on an online dating site which I would rather forget. Needless to say, it would rate as the most fucked up sexual experience I have ever had. Fuck I could have been walking into an abduction and arse raping. I hoped it would make me feel better but all i felt was disgust in myself. I had to have a cold shower when I got home to try and wash away what I was feeling while washing myself with heavy duty disinfectant which was rather unpleasant when I applied it to my schlong. Live and learn I suppose but fuck I felt filthy. My rage toward the world was ever increasing through the year and reached breaking point early 2013. My mum staged an intervention then and I went to see a doctor who referred me onto a counsellor who helped me to a point but I quickly slipped back into old habits meanwhile that anger continued to build. I had a few minor panic attacks but haven't had anything since thank fuck. Spent some time setting up Radio Totse and broadcasting pirate radio each weekend having some fun and playing some heavy metal and hard rock while unwinding with a beer in one hand and a mic in the other. It has been that second outlet I have and the social side of it is pretty awesome. Talking to fellow pirates and what not.
There were times when I wanted to kill some people for fucking with my family. Eventually I contemplated killing myself again and began sitting down to think of a painless way to do it. Me knowing a bit about biology and chemistry, I thought of getting a bottle of Argon from the local BOC industrial gas supplier and gassing myself. The human body being unable to detect a lack of oxygen, you lose consciousness and die from hypoxia. I gave up on the idea and carried on with life until late August when I had a major fight with my mum and took off with the intention of committing suicide yet again. Of course I never went through with it mainly as I couldn't think of a decent way to do it and that's when my family decided to get me some help. I managed to scare most of my family as my mother began calling everyone to see if I had gone to visit someone and cool down.
The violent outbursts continued soon after the first lot of counselling. Small things like my laptop shit itself so I kicked it out the door and later took to it with a sledge hammer or nearly punching my mum over once or twice among other things. I smacked my step dad with a spade and punched a window out one day because he made an offensive remark towards my mum although my brother smacked him as well. The cops later turned up and said I was justified in hitting him. We get along fine now. Just needed to clear the air. I'm actually lucky I wasn't arrested that night for assault with a weapon. It got to a point where my family worried I would physically abuse my future partner if I was pushed far enough although I couldn't see myself doing that as I cannot stand people who beat their girlfriends or are controlling in a relationship.
First week of September the doctor put me on Fluoxetine 20 mg to help with my depression. One week after that I entered a relationship with a girl from work. I told her about the issues I am facing and one thing lead to another and the relationship ended suddenly 9 days later. That really hurt me to be honest and I began to blame myself for not following my rules of not letting people get close to me. Eventually I gave up thinking that way and decided to forgive and forget and move on with my life and my treatment. I applied to become a supervisor at work the following day and I start my counselling on Tuesday and hopefully I can beat this thing before it consumes me. I spoke to my ex girlfriend who I work with to clear the air and needed to get a few things off my chest which helped. I needed to be the bigger person in this case, forgive and forget as my last counsellor told me. Plus I didn't want to destroy a friendship all because I was too pig headed to forgive her. Where is once I would have held a grudge for years. I see that as a pointless exercise now and I can see im not that sort of hateful person I thought I was.
So how am I feeling at this time you ask? Well to be perfectly honest I feel fucking excellent. I'm not strung out any more, little things don’t monumentally fuck me off any more and the people I thought were complete cunts aren't all that bad. Some of them anyway, the others... well you get the point. I'm coming to terms with the fact that someone will fuck your shit over but it’s only a problem if you let it become one. Tell them to get fucked and move on and forget it. Feels fucking excellent when you can let go of all the bullshit and when you stop over thinking every little occurrence in life. Fuck I cannot believe how much time I wasted worrying about the insignificant little details or trying to control things that I have no control over. Accept it for what it is and move on. That and let go of any grudges you hold as they will slowly consume you if you hold onto that hatred. I also feel like life is worth living now. Besides I want to see Rammstein play live before I die haha
Yeah I know it’s a long post but it feels good to get it all out there.