Today I Fucked UP! Jan 3th Edition

So, I frequently browse Reddit, hell I just use it all the time. In my random lurking and posting I discover many jewels, Today I Fucked up has some gems today. So, I thought why not make a thread based on stuff I find on Reddit.

So, here is the first TIFU, this girl found out the hard way she isn't a Lesbian.

This happened 20 mins ago. So I always thought boobies were nice. They were soft and squishy and pretty and fun. I thought hey! I think girls are pretty, boobs feel nice and pussy is cute. Maybe I'm bisexual or a lesbian? So I took a girl on a date. It was fun and one thing led to another and candles were lit, music was playing, no words existed but the sound of us kissing. I felt like a playa. I wined and dined this pretty girl and she totally wanted me. I was feeling egotistical. She was on top of me, Grinding into me. Her back was arching, soft whimpers and moans escaped her pretty mouth. And then I sat there, boob in hand and thought "man I could really go for penis right about now". And then It hit me as she started to go down my pants that shit! I don't want to finger her. I don't want her fingering me! Just not my Thing. At all. So I finished the movie with her and was curteous and saw her out. But now I have to figure out how not to be a jerk and not see her again. I fucked up.

This dudes prank on family back fired..

My mom got me some chocolate covered pretzel bits for Christmas and they literally looked like shit. I told my parents and they said they look like pretzels and told me to stop being ungrateful. After everyone went to bed, I put a few of my chocolate pretzels outside of the cat litter box to make it look like the cat got shit everywhere. The next morning I come downstairs and my family is complaining about the cat shit, so I decide to be funny and pick one up and take a bite out of it and laugh at everybody because I was right about the pretzels looking like shit. I take a bite. It's soft. It's not a chocolate pretzel, it's fucking shit. My family is howling with laughter as I run to the bathroom. They knew what I had done and replaced my pretzels with actual cat shit. I don't think I can ever show my face around my family again. They keep telling me I can clean the litter box if I get hungry.

Hilarious narration by cyae1! [1]

And this guy told a compelling story to the wrong crowd.

This particular TIFU happened only an hour ago.

The evening started out a bit rough when my daughter came and informed me that their pet duckling (a rescue) was behaving a little unusually. I went down to check on him, and yes, he was very unwell and we spent the following 10 minutes trying to revive him but eventually, helplessly watching him die.

This was absolutely devastating for my daughters. We are involved with the SPCA, and we often volunteer as a halfway house for rescue animals, but this was their first real involvement with the passing of a pet.

My wife spent a bit of time explaining the life/death thing, lots of hugs and kisses and straight conversation about the circle of life. She is good at this sort of thing. The kids eventually went to their bedroom, still a few sniffles and tears but overall understanding the situation and coming to terms with it.

I decided to give them 5 minutes and then follow them in to the room and impart some supreme fatherly advice on the matter.

Well - Tonight I Fucked Up. :-(

I sat down between the 2 of them, wrapped my arms around them and began to tell them a story.......

"When I was 18 years old I received a phone call from my father, who let me know that my childhood cat, Jax - was very ill. Jax was 16 years old and had been my best buddy since I was 2. He was at the Vet clinic, and he was dying."

By now both of my daughters were sobbing quietly, but I barely picked up on that as I was deep in the past.....

"I arrived at the clinic and was led to the rear of the building where the cages were located. When I walked in we heard a quiet "meow"..... Jax had sensed me coming in to the room, and was looking to me for comfort. I knelt down in front of the cage, opened the door and reached in. I had to lift him from the cage as he was too weak to come to me under his own power, but as I picked him up his breathing calmed as he felt my familiar embrace...."

Louder sobs from my girls now, though again I am oblivious, still deep in my own memories....

"The vet had me lift Jax on to the table in his surgery, the whole time my dear pet gazed trustingly into my eyes. I was asked to hold him as the vet administered the lethal dose which would send him off into the peaceful abyss. I hugged Jax close, offering as much love as I could in his final moments. The syringe closed in, sank softly in to his leg, the plunger depressed. His body slowly became a heavy weight in my arms as his muscles relaxed............"

What the?!?!?!..... What the hell are you doing??!

My wife was standing at the door to the bedroom, staring at me in shock, My arms around each of my children who are both bawling their eyes out. My youngest looked at me and through her tears says "You were supposed to make it better! You made it much much worse!!!"

I snapped out of my reverie pretty quickly, and attempted to fix it - to make up an addendum which would turn the story into a life lesson, a happy ending, something with a moral to help explain the passing of the duckling.

I couldn't think of a thing and simply sat there, crying with my daughters.

I am no longer allowed to console my children.
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