Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

http://www.theonion.com/articles/dead-teenager-remembered-for-great-hand-jobs,19356/

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.

The untimely passing of Belzer, whom mourners remembered as a smart, accommodating teen who loved to laugh, watch movies with friends, and bring male friends to sexual climax with her hand, has left many in the Goldsboro community in a state of shock.

"I can't believe she's gone," said Brian Jennings, a longtime classmate and neighbor. "It's just so shocking to think that someone as vibrant and full of life as Brooke is gone, and I'll never see her again. How can that be?"

Added Jennings, "She just rubbed me off in the Hardee's parking lot last week."

Belzer, a passenger in the single-car accident, was killed when driver Keith Foley, who survived the wreck with only minor injuries, became distracted and lost control of the vehicle. Belzer was not wearing a seat belt at the time.

Classmates said the field hockey team member was very well-liked by her fellow students, who greatly enjoyed Belzer's goofy sense of humor, her habit of keeping moisturizer in her purse, and her carefree attitude.

One of Belzer's oldest and dearest friends, Peter Destasio, delivered a poignant eulogy at Belzer's memorial service in which he sought to pay tribute to a young woman who was needlessly cut down in the prime of her jerking years.

"She was more than just a girl who gave awesome hand jobs," said Destasio, who has known Belzer since before she started using both hands. "She was someone who was really eager to learn new things. And she wouldn't even get mad if you accidently ruined her sweater. In fact, she actually thought that was kind of funny, and looking back on it, I guess it was."

"But it was her care and attention to detail I'll miss most," Destasio continued. "She really took her time and didn't seem to simply want to get it over with like most girls. Fantastic wrist action. Not too fast, not too rough. Just right."

Destasio then became overcome with emotion and was unable to continue.

"She just had a smile for everyone," said junior Douglas Keck, who added that his most cherished memory of Belzer was probably the time they shared behind the bleachers right after last year's powder-puff game. "And to think how much more she had left to give."

Continued Keck, "In another six months she would have probably started to use her mouth."

Those who had known Belzer since she first began giving tug jobs in eighth grade said they will miss watching her grow into a mature young woman with an increasingly impressive repertoire of stroking techniques.

Counselors have been brought in to the school to aid any students who are having trouble coping with the unexpected death of a figure popular in the halls and senior parking lot of Westside High.

"There is a real sense of loss here," said Sharon Hyerblick, a former English teacher of Belzer's. "A lot of these kids wish they had spent more time with Brooke while she was alive. I would say the timid freshmen who never even had the chance to receive a handie from Brooke are taking this especially hard."

As he seeks to soothe the wounded hearts of his school's students and faculty, Principal Franklin Jones told reporters this week that he hopes the entire Westside High community keeps a memory in their hearts of the talented young girl who seemed to light up the faces of all the boys in the room wherever she would go.

"In her brief time on this earth Brooke touched so many," Jones said. "She gave so freely of herself and her skills and I'm sure she will be remembered fondly for the rest of our lives. It's just a shame that this tragedy happened so close to prom."