How I was a millionaire and lost it all playing internet poker with Errol Flynn
princess
Regular
The year was 1989. I was sitting in my study drinking scotch and smoking chesterfields when the idea struck me. Oh, and I was wearing a monocle too, cause that's just classy. Anyways, Oprah was doing a special on overweight women so she could look slim by comparison (this was pre cgi Oprah, so they couldn't just edit out the lunch lady arms) and I thought to myself, "What could possibly be the next snack food craze". Mulling over what were the most delicious and unhealthy foods I came up with a genius idea. Now, don't get turned off by the name, this was before my endorsement, but we'll get to that. I combined the decadence of fried pork skin and the mouth watering taste of birthday cake to bring the world... Frosted Rinds.
Naturally, being the shrewd business person I am, in no time I had a sweat shop up and running cranking out those tasty bastards. Sure, a few kids had "industrial accidents" and were "crippled for life", but that is the cost of doing business. Better they learn in a loving, nurturing Cambodian style work farm than on the streets. Well, before you knew it, I was selling Frosted Rinds like crazy, partially thanks to my marketing skills. It renamed the product Sassy Negro Sweet Cracklins, and came up with a cute little cartoon mascot for the kids. It had virtually replaced all other breakfast cereals, so yes, the cartoon negro was necessary. The chains and African bushman loincloth were all part of the image, he was a sassy negro for christ sakes. And no, it was not racist at the time, look at Lucky Charm's "No Irish allowed policy" or Trix's "You killed jesus so you can fuck off and die rabbit" (little known fact the trix bunny was jewish) campaigns of the same time.
So Sassy Negro Sweet Cracklins was such a success it caught the eye of Post, General Mills, and Kelloggs. I eventually went with General Mills, mainly because they could deliver Will Smith. Thats right, Mr Fresh Prince himself was going to be the voice of Sassy Negro. He even wrote a happy rap song for the commercial. 'Yo yo, what what, uh... Im a sassy negro. Big flappy lips and a huge fro. Uh, uh, sweet sweet cracklins'. I can't write no more due to copyrights, but it was classic Will Smith happy rap, cause he didn't have to cuss to sell records. The world was truly my oyster.
I say was because I had a gambling problem. It all started when I got my Amiga 2500 and my Texas Instrument TI3000 hand operated modem. Many of you are to young to remember, but before the internet, we had something called dial up. That is where you hooked your computer to the modem on your phone, and then turned the crank on the modem. Then crank was necessary to push the data through the narrow phone lines. Ok, so It was by these devil tools I was introduced to the unforgiving mistress that is online Texas hold em. I would play for hours, wasting countless millions on the game. It would really hurt my wrists to turn the modem this long and hard too. Being the super genius I am, after all I invented Sassy Negro Sweet Cracklins and saved Will Smith's career, I came up with a solution. I would hook a lawn mower engine to my modem.
At this point I would like to remind you all to always read the instructions that come with electronic devices. If I would have heeded this advice, only if I would have, I might not be the broke ho I am today. They clearly said "Do not hook up to a motor dumbass, bad shit will happen". So, there I was, all gassed up and ready to go. I pulled started the mower, and my modem hummed like a champ. Then it started glowing and burst into flames. Little did I know, the motor had caused the modem to rotate at 88 mph and due to the extra rotations it had produced 1.21 gigawatts of electricity. Now I don't have to tell you, this was perfect time travel conditions. I had sent my online poker game back to 1939. And guess who just happend to be using his telegraph (pre dial up), Errol Flynn.
He was a fierce opponent. I would draw one, he'd draw two. I'd raise one, he'd raise two. I'd fold, he would call me a sissy bitch. Before long, he was dominating the game. I think what threw me the most was the goatse pictures he'd send me between rounds. Yes, Errol Flynn was the original goatse. Look closely in the background of 'The Prince and the Pauper', you'll see ol' Errol in prime form showing Edward his brown eye. I must have lost a billion to him that night, but it was really the insults that hurt the most. Eroll Flynn is a cruel bastard, I for one am glad he spent all that money on coke and hookers in 1959 and died. Yes, he did that first too, quite the trend setter.
Well thats my story, I hope you all can learn from my mistakes.
Naturally, being the shrewd business person I am, in no time I had a sweat shop up and running cranking out those tasty bastards. Sure, a few kids had "industrial accidents" and were "crippled for life", but that is the cost of doing business. Better they learn in a loving, nurturing Cambodian style work farm than on the streets. Well, before you knew it, I was selling Frosted Rinds like crazy, partially thanks to my marketing skills. It renamed the product Sassy Negro Sweet Cracklins, and came up with a cute little cartoon mascot for the kids. It had virtually replaced all other breakfast cereals, so yes, the cartoon negro was necessary. The chains and African bushman loincloth were all part of the image, he was a sassy negro for christ sakes. And no, it was not racist at the time, look at Lucky Charm's "No Irish allowed policy" or Trix's "You killed jesus so you can fuck off and die rabbit" (little known fact the trix bunny was jewish) campaigns of the same time.
So Sassy Negro Sweet Cracklins was such a success it caught the eye of Post, General Mills, and Kelloggs. I eventually went with General Mills, mainly because they could deliver Will Smith. Thats right, Mr Fresh Prince himself was going to be the voice of Sassy Negro. He even wrote a happy rap song for the commercial. 'Yo yo, what what, uh... Im a sassy negro. Big flappy lips and a huge fro. Uh, uh, sweet sweet cracklins'. I can't write no more due to copyrights, but it was classic Will Smith happy rap, cause he didn't have to cuss to sell records. The world was truly my oyster.
I say was because I had a gambling problem. It all started when I got my Amiga 2500 and my Texas Instrument TI3000 hand operated modem. Many of you are to young to remember, but before the internet, we had something called dial up. That is where you hooked your computer to the modem on your phone, and then turned the crank on the modem. Then crank was necessary to push the data through the narrow phone lines. Ok, so It was by these devil tools I was introduced to the unforgiving mistress that is online Texas hold em. I would play for hours, wasting countless millions on the game. It would really hurt my wrists to turn the modem this long and hard too. Being the super genius I am, after all I invented Sassy Negro Sweet Cracklins and saved Will Smith's career, I came up with a solution. I would hook a lawn mower engine to my modem.
At this point I would like to remind you all to always read the instructions that come with electronic devices. If I would have heeded this advice, only if I would have, I might not be the broke ho I am today. They clearly said "Do not hook up to a motor dumbass, bad shit will happen". So, there I was, all gassed up and ready to go. I pulled started the mower, and my modem hummed like a champ. Then it started glowing and burst into flames. Little did I know, the motor had caused the modem to rotate at 88 mph and due to the extra rotations it had produced 1.21 gigawatts of electricity. Now I don't have to tell you, this was perfect time travel conditions. I had sent my online poker game back to 1939. And guess who just happend to be using his telegraph (pre dial up), Errol Flynn.
He was a fierce opponent. I would draw one, he'd draw two. I'd raise one, he'd raise two. I'd fold, he would call me a sissy bitch. Before long, he was dominating the game. I think what threw me the most was the goatse pictures he'd send me between rounds. Yes, Errol Flynn was the original goatse. Look closely in the background of 'The Prince and the Pauper', you'll see ol' Errol in prime form showing Edward his brown eye. I must have lost a billion to him that night, but it was really the insults that hurt the most. Eroll Flynn is a cruel bastard, I for one am glad he spent all that money on coke and hookers in 1959 and died. Yes, he did that first too, quite the trend setter.
Well thats my story, I hope you all can learn from my mistakes.
Comments
BTW, I lol'd
Definition:
Your post was way to long for my short attention span, therefore I decided not to read it. I don't really care what it says, but feel some unstoppable urge to comment on it in in an abbreviated form, since bigger words like "too" and "read" are just outside the reaches of my vocabulary. I feel it is due to and the cause of the raising illiteracy rates in America. After all, cracking open even the shortest of books is way too time consuming when I could be working on my world of warcraft profile and drinking diabetic coma amounts of mountain dew. And forget about bathing or socializing outside of the internet, that is for suckers. I'm perfectly content sitting in my parent's basement, looking like Golem with terrible acne, masturbating to asian fetish porn, because no woman in her right mind would ever have sex with me.
tl;dr.
You gotz teh lulz