Dark Side?
Dfg
Admin
Bad Day? No, not really. Overall it was a great day, it was such a great day that I kept sweating from head to toe, it was such an awesome and majestic day that I couldn't go for a walk.
Ever seen how worse or bad or douche I become as the hour pass. It seems I have an alter ego or I have some fucking weird Aliens inside my head taking control over me and making everything fuck up, oh wait Aliens don't exist, maybe it's just me.
or maybe the egg finally cracked, the long running logic circuits melted and I finally went to the other side, but what is the other side is it some place deep inside my fucked up and mostly demented mind, is it just my weird thinking that keeps telling me that there is a dark side to me or is it just me being me and running away from reality.
But what is reality and why am I obessed with it, is it that I am slowly turning GAY or am I having PMS that I am thinking in this weird fashion or have I completely gone crazy.
If I am crazy shouldn't I be killing me or am I different crazy, the type of crazy who just sits and thinking about doing something grand and never really doing anything. AM I THAT FUCKING CRAZY?
No, I can't be. I am still here, I can type my eyes even though are glued to this old fucking CRT monitor I can still sense the world around me, I can trace the sweat in my privates and I can smell the dirty air around me, worst of all I can smell the dark inside me.
It comes and goes and I can't control it. Some time it comes in torrents and takes away everything and in some times it just sits there and slowly takes over control. Some times I feel like Dexter, a hero with a different attitude. I may have some needs, I don't think it's Sex or maybe I do need sex but I don't have much drive for it. Don't get me wrong I would bone whatever comes my way but still I am not interested in begging or hunting for it.
I am paitent hunter, I would wit and then bite deep and suck everything. I would suck and suck until nothing is left. Maybe, just maybe I am leech...
The dark rises in me and I can sense it, it's not Dark as others know it, my dark is different. It's a whole new dimension which once opened can't be closed, I feel different whenever that happens, I don't feel controlled but I have a certain urge, that feeling that I must type, I must type and post something demented, something fucked up. It could be something about some girl fucking her little toddler sister and then killing it or it could be about some animal getting beaten to dead.
Everything I write is demented, everything I post is demented, when my thoughts clear and I open my eyes, I AM THE ONE WHO IS DEMENTED!
The dark takes control and I take a deep breath my fingers never lifting from the keyboard, it types and types and it doesn't seem to stop. My eyes hurt and I am sure if this continue my fingers would just fall off and my system would crash because the stream of thoughts that are coming from that dark demension don't stop. I can't stop, I know I have to stop but I can't stop.
I am not thinking, I am NOT THINKING but still I am typing. Who the FUCK is controlling me, I can't fucking control myself my fingers fucking hurt and my eyes are open now, I KNOW it's not me but I just can't stop maybe if I let everything just go by it will work.... just maybe I should do it, I SHOULD DO IT, I SHOULD EMBRACE IT.
YOU FUCKING CUNTS, I will kill you all, I will get my fucking blade and hunt each and everyone one of you, I will drink your blood and piss on your dead bodies, even fucking Thor will cream his pants after I am through with your, bit my bit I will take away your life essense, I wont' stop until every bit of my body....
TAKE CONTROL.... I need to take control. I can't go on............
STOP THIS, STOP THIS MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever seen how worse or bad or douche I become as the hour pass. It seems I have an alter ego or I have some fucking weird Aliens inside my head taking control over me and making everything fuck up, oh wait Aliens don't exist, maybe it's just me.
or maybe the egg finally cracked, the long running logic circuits melted and I finally went to the other side, but what is the other side is it some place deep inside my fucked up and mostly demented mind, is it just my weird thinking that keeps telling me that there is a dark side to me or is it just me being me and running away from reality.
But what is reality and why am I obessed with it, is it that I am slowly turning GAY or am I having PMS that I am thinking in this weird fashion or have I completely gone crazy.
If I am crazy shouldn't I be killing me or am I different crazy, the type of crazy who just sits and thinking about doing something grand and never really doing anything. AM I THAT FUCKING CRAZY?
No, I can't be. I am still here, I can type my eyes even though are glued to this old fucking CRT monitor I can still sense the world around me, I can trace the sweat in my privates and I can smell the dirty air around me, worst of all I can smell the dark inside me.
It comes and goes and I can't control it. Some time it comes in torrents and takes away everything and in some times it just sits there and slowly takes over control. Some times I feel like Dexter, a hero with a different attitude. I may have some needs, I don't think it's Sex or maybe I do need sex but I don't have much drive for it. Don't get me wrong I would bone whatever comes my way but still I am not interested in begging or hunting for it.
I am paitent hunter, I would wit and then bite deep and suck everything. I would suck and suck until nothing is left. Maybe, just maybe I am leech...
The dark rises in me and I can sense it, it's not Dark as others know it, my dark is different. It's a whole new dimension which once opened can't be closed, I feel different whenever that happens, I don't feel controlled but I have a certain urge, that feeling that I must type, I must type and post something demented, something fucked up. It could be something about some girl fucking her little toddler sister and then killing it or it could be about some animal getting beaten to dead.
Everything I write is demented, everything I post is demented, when my thoughts clear and I open my eyes, I AM THE ONE WHO IS DEMENTED!
The dark takes control and I take a deep breath my fingers never lifting from the keyboard, it types and types and it doesn't seem to stop. My eyes hurt and I am sure if this continue my fingers would just fall off and my system would crash because the stream of thoughts that are coming from that dark demension don't stop. I can't stop, I know I have to stop but I can't stop.
I am not thinking, I am NOT THINKING but still I am typing. Who the FUCK is controlling me, I can't fucking control myself my fingers fucking hurt and my eyes are open now, I KNOW it's not me but I just can't stop maybe if I let everything just go by it will work.... just maybe I should do it, I SHOULD DO IT, I SHOULD EMBRACE IT.
YOU FUCKING CUNTS, I will kill you all, I will get my fucking blade and hunt each and everyone one of you, I will drink your blood and piss on your dead bodies, even fucking Thor will cream his pants after I am through with your, bit my bit I will take away your life essense, I wont' stop until every bit of my body....
TAKE CONTROL.... I need to take control. I can't go on............
STOP THIS, STOP THIS MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
Nope, I have the ability to think from two different perspective, I can do 4 if I want but I am not mentally ill in anyway
If you want sex, then short of living the life of a stereotypical Muslim and getting a Harem of girls, then I seriously suggest leaving that place. Of course you will need to sever all ties and get clearance, especially if you were going to the USA. Europe isn't a bad place, either. Depends what you are looking for I guess.
For me, I sit indoors cursing and want to go out. My thoughts consume me and after a day of not having stress and not taking Tramadol I start to get withdrawals. I try and push through it but I get worse and last week involved me going mental with a machete then going out, acting the tough guy and rightly-so getting punched (albeit not hard) in the eye.
However if I am asked to go out with people that have even slightly pissed me off in the past, I just want to stay in. it seems I'm not happy wherever I am and that's my biggest worry. I suppose it's best to just throw yourself into something and go for it. Don't pussy out and don't look back until you're ready to have a moment of realisation.
I know what it's like looking at things from different perspectives and that can confuse you at the best of times. Like I said, keep yourself occupied, make a change and although cliche - look on the good side. It's the monotony of life that drives a man crazy.
Well, it seems we have something in common. I blame the lack of socialization. The problem is, the generation that I am stuck with is either out going or just dumb. It's like this, you're sitting in the park and every where you look around you see people doing the same thing over and over again. Some have some fucking mobile phone up their asses while others are just sitting with other guys and looking for girls. You can't approach that group and even if you do, you know they will always revolve around pussy. Then you look at the other generation, the generation that lived and is now moving on, they're stuck with their thoughts and whatever you talk about it will always come to ALLAH and his mighty dick.
You can't open yourself or talk to others. The girls you meet might laugh and walk away but unfortunately for you, you can sense their fakeness, it's like you know what they're thinking. The look they give you when they pass by. That disgusting look, that judgemental look. It's the same everywhere.
I am not an introvert person, I can chat for hours and hours and still go on, I am well versed in many topics and if I can, I can rock party but I am alone, so very alone. It takes two start a war, in my case I am just one. I have Raven with me but we both know that our thinking is different. He is artistic but even he can't understand things.
So, I am stuck with another round of filteration. Imagine being someone like me, friendly, decent and confident and not being able to discuss things, not being able to reveal the real you. It's fucked up when you have to hide behind the Internet Dfg.
Raven told me that you're becoming more like Dfg and not the real you. He told me to take control and become the real me. But the real me is confused. He is stuck in a world were the time passes in a different direction, where people are judged by their wealth and where women are turning whores but they don't spread their legs for anyone. the ones that do are a trap. The ones that do can get you killed.
You're stuck in place where you can't go out and yell and scream. You're stuck in place where walking alone in an empty road might be the last thing you ever did. You're stuck in place where you need to get education just so people can get on with this, worst of all you're stuck in place where your family beleives in the fake lies of Religion.
You can change the color of the Sky or even dry all the oceans but it's hard to change others faith. It's hard to clean that rusty old belief that there is life after going cold, that there are other worlds where you will be happier.
It's like a slow poison that can't be cured. You know everyone is being foolish, you see people begging in the name of ALLAH and you're forced to restrain yourself. You're forced to smile at them, but deep inside you know you want to slap them hard and kill them. Because you know they're scamming you and they know it as well. They know by asking for money in the name of ALLAH in public you will be forced to comply because the people around you will think you're an infidel. MAYBE I am but that doesn't change the fact that I see the world differently.
I am not losing touch with reality, in fact I can see the reality, what disgusts me the most is, I can't connect with people anymore. All the interactions I have are fake, I had to fake everything
Fake going to the Mosque, fake talking to people, fake invoking Moon Gods name, fake telling people that there is a world after this. All this fucking life is a fake and it's failure. It will never amount to anything. I can work hard, I can strive for something better, I can be Dfg, that guy who is destined for greatness but I can't do it here. I am not being a Pussy, if I was a pussy I would admit it. If I couldn't do thing, I admit them because that's the way I roll.
But whatver you do, you're stuck. It's normal for others. They're like sheep roaming around this damned place. They haven't seen what freedom looks like they don't know what happens when you let everything go. It seems Religion is required for your sanity.
I can blame everything on religion. Oh yes I can. I was born and raised by Muslims. For them being a decent human being and dying as a Muslim was enough. When I was 8-year-old I was thrown in a world of Religion. For be the Quran was everything. For me dying in the name of Allah was the best thing that could happen to me. I kneeled and begged to be killed, I begged that some infidel tried to harm my people and I would die protecting them.
For me it was pure love. The love of GOD. I wanted to be with him. These are strong emotions, they're hard to let go. For a man who spent his life following a religion which he accepted at an early age, it's very hard to let go. Maybe if I lived on a Mountain and was isolated I could have changed but when you're constantly being told to do this and that you can't really protest.
Islam saved me but it destroyed me as well. I was slave and when I freed myself, I become a wanderer. I was a person without any goals. Getting better at life didn't matter to me, how would it matter since I didn't have an ambition other than to die in the name of ALLAH. I was molested mentally and I was damaged. I was damaged in a certain way that even I can't explain.
TOTSE saved me but it also left me hanging. I had a core system, the system that I enforced on myself. Nothing got through to it, I watched 1000 videos to get over gore and likewise I layered my inner core. Whatever you said my mind wouldn't translate it. To me whenever someone said Muhmmad is this and that, my blood boiled. I was angry and helpless. I couldn't do a damn thing. But I had a rational mind. I never bothered preaching things, thank THOR TOTSE get that out of my system.
But I was still infected by this disease. TOTSE went away and Zoklet came in. I was still the same. Now with better control over myself. My inner walls for secure. Nothing could hurt me, I always controlled myself from saying anything against GOD/ALLAH or whatever. I was alone in this war. It's something that took me years to fix. The walls that I built in my childhood were strong. Since I was a boy who used to offer prayers 5 times a day, did fasting for a whole month, attended different religious gatherings. I enjoyed them because they were a part of life.
It's like church, you can't get away from it. In the end, Totse.info saved me. It was my one salvation. After spending time on Z and doing my best, I didn't very far. Sure I climbed ranks but I didn't improve. I was still that stupid Muslim stuck in some different shell. Sure I was neutral and didn't take offense but some words did carry through. I shared views with Muslims because I was surrounded by them and I had to comply. You can't filter out that fucking noise.
When I moved to totse.info, I did was I do best. I put everything aside and worked on it and I am still working on it. But even here I was the same old me, sure I learned a thing or two and my inner walls were weak. But they were still there. I didn't progress much further. I was still the same deep inside.
What I needed was a final push. It came from Neg and DS. Yes, I know it's unexpected but DS was religious and he was open about it. I always had my doubts about Islam and I stop siding with it long time ago. But when DS jumped wagon I decided to do the same. For DS it might be easier but for me it was hard. Unlike DS I was unique, I was rare in every way. These past years I have molded myself into something beautiful and dangerous at the same time. I had the ability to connect and understand people and yet I was distant in every way.
I let go by saying FUCK ALLAH. Fatty played a big part in this, he tired his best to make fun of Islam etc. and I never raised a finger against him regarding that matter. My inner walls were that strong, but it took just one thought and I let go.
Maybe my family played a part in this, maybe the ghosts I thought existed helped things along but in the end it was me. I slept peacefully but the whole world started to crumple around me. It's as if you're stuck in a box and the walls are just compressing and forcing you to compress as well. The air around you acts like water. I was dying deep inside, with Religion gone, I felt empty. I needed something to hold on. I tried the other GOD approach. Recalling Pagan GODs and using their names, I tried Hindu GOD and I tried everything including the Universe. Nothing really worked.
It felt like losing your good arm, religion brought stability in me and with that gone, I was truly losing control. I was nearing the dark river, that river that flowed in my mind. Try jumpin in empty space, when you let go of everything, all the concepts of creation, all the concepts that ever existed you're left empty. You're blank, you can go insane in that place.
Once you reach it, you cannot connect, you cannot truly share things. It's easier for some, but for someone like you who was molded differently, you're alone. Not even your friends can talk to you. They can try but you know it won't work. YOU"RE EMPTY!
Maybe I am going insane but at the same time I wasn't going insane. I projected my frustation by writing things and I thought I found a stable platform that might save me. But in the what I needed was something else.
I am losing control here. The rush of thoughts and feelings are just too much.
In the end, Totse.info saved me. It's now the corner stone of my life and it's a Mecca for me. I can't share it with others because I just can't explain it. I just can't explain it.....
Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.
Anal+Love = Bend BHD.
You aren't alone, but of course Cultural practices will affect things. I know what it is to want to die for a cause and was very close to carrying out some attacks or whatever would get attention but it's not the way. You can do so much more with the world when you continue to breathe and grapple with it - death is the pussy way out. A permanent solution for a temporary (individual) problem.
If you were to ever look at the West and envy us, don't. Religion still exists, but maybe not as widespread or as fundamental. When we look to your Nation, it seems religion is rampant, but laws aren't. It's opposite here. Government and materialism are Religion. People appear to take solace in buying throwaway shit and watching the TV to find out what hasn't changed in the world.
I feel your frustration, but unfortunately I have no idea how to change the world. In order to do so though, you must change yourself.
I have only left the house for a total of an hour today and am contemplating going for a night walk. I don't avoid it, but I despise going into town as people glued to their social masturbation devices walk into you, or a Charity guy (or 6 along the High St) ask you to help kids dying in Africa yet I haven't eaten in 3 weeks. We all have our own shit to deal with, but honesty and realisation is the key. Realising life isn't about what you have, but what you can give.
My Terrorism essay I wrote was effectively a 5,500 word confession about my frustration and experiences with the world. I hate to sound patronising but I kinda know what you are going through, but in the West, the fixation with pussy and material items is huge, and I hate to say it, but it's only going to get 'worse' (in your eyes) as time goes on in PK.
I recall saying to a friend while looking at an advert for "The Men Who Stare at Goats" that
"I want to leave Society and live on a mountaintop with only animals and maybe the odd human to keep me company and become a wiseman. I have been told I will only live to 30 at this rate and so wish to enjoy life, being the wise man on the mountaintop"
He replied:
"I'd rather you be the old wise man than the young one."
It got me thinking. Change needs to be made, but you either look like a loner or a member of a mental group who is thrown out of the mainstream and thus looked down on or perceived as an oddball.
People will realise and time will come. I just can't say when.
Thanks man, people like you make this place worth investing time in. I get your point. Although I did rant a lot and when off track but you got the some points down.
In any case, I will just have to deal with it. I will break out, I just know. Some day I will see the light. It's like we're all looking for the Dark Tower.