my girlfriend lied to me... should I be worried?
Willy Wonka
Acolyte
My girlfriend lied to me about something ultimately inconsequential, but I worry that it may be a bad sign.
First, you need some background information and context to make sense of my situation.
I have been seeing a girl for 4-5 months or so now. We met online, she lives two hours away, and almost every day she has off, she spends driving two hours out to see me, and two hours back home. She's either here, home, or at work basically.
We get along very well, have many interests in common, all that good shit.
She has a very giving demeanor, usually brings dog treats for the dog, and other little gifts for all the people I live with.
So anyway, on with the story.
This past thursday was one of her days off, but she had to do some stuff, such as drop off applications for a new job, so she did not come down and see me then. At some point we were talking on the phone, and she mentions how she "almost went and saw Thor" without me... to which I playfully told her that she better fucking not! :P
Fast forward to Monday.
She has off, comes down and visits, and confesses to me that she "fibbed", that she DID see thor that day, and that she saw it before we had the phone conversation, telling me she didn't. She said it had been eating away at her, and that she had to tell me. she also said that she lied because she thought I would be mad. It should also be noted here that it was commonplace for her to go to the movies by herself before we started dating.
I was taken aback by this, and it didn't really sink in till she left that day, so beyond acting shocked I did nothing more than use it as an excuse for some rough angry sex (she got lots of spankings).
I'm not a huge fan of movies, the marvel ones that have been coming out lately are kinda gimmicky, but it's Thor, I would have seen it. However, beyond that conversation, we never really discussed the movie.
The movie isn't the point, I could care less about the movie...
I explained to her over dinner that I was more offended that she lied to me than that she saw the movie. She asked if I could forgive her, I joked about holding it over her head for the rest of eternity...
... and then she asked me "well... what about a bribe?". I was going to forgive her, but being curious I asked her what she would offer. She replied that she doesn't know, that she "usually lets them pick and then she gives it to them". I half jokingly asked her if she has to bribe people often, to which she was getting upset, so I dropped my ruse and played the forgiving boyfriend card, and the rest is history.
After she left, and I was alone to myself to ponder, it really started eating away at me, the little details of the story (such as the bribe offer) really started to not sit right. I'm worried that the mindset to lie is there... and that more significant things to lie about will be graced with lieing as an option, or in other words... I'm worried she could lie about more serious matters in the future.
Now I'm pretty good at psychoanalysis, and besides being very similar in mindset to me, there were a couple other things I've picked up about her and I'll name the relevant points.
She's grown up as a sort of "daddy's girl" from a decent middle class family. Always got what she wanted for christmas and what have you. this gives me the impression that her punishments as a child were possibly non existent, or very lenient. Luckily a side effect of this would make her a bad liar.
This coupled with her taste for rough sex and bondage, tells me that punishment and discipline are not a serious manner in her mind, that they are ultimately no deterrent to anything. As is most obvious in her sexual preferences, punishment and pain are associated with pleasure.
So, I fear that by "punishing her" with sex, I have all but encouraged this type of behavior in the future.
I plan to have a talk with her about this, but I want it to be in person. I don't want to have the conversation over the phone, as a phone call can act as a sort of social mask or layer of protection. She felt comfortable enough to lie to me over the phone and I cannot communicate how immensely serious I am about this with any sort of mental barrier of her up.
I have to be very careful how I handle this too, because if I take too much of an aggressive approach, in the future should she choose to lie, she will not want to tell me, because she will know I will be mad at her. Which I will, but that's besides the point.
Also, if I don't make my point clear enough, she will still be in a state of mind where lieing is a game, it's just a fib, and you can always apologize and it'll be okay. People will still do things when the reason in their mind is that they can't, or that they're not supposed to... equally so people will not do things they don't WANT to do...
I have to make her not want to, and "punishment" might be off the table.. so I'm still trying to figure out..... "what I should do"....
I think I've outlined EVERYTHING I need to, sorry for the length. The tl;dr is in bold.
First, you need some background information and context to make sense of my situation.
I have been seeing a girl for 4-5 months or so now. We met online, she lives two hours away, and almost every day she has off, she spends driving two hours out to see me, and two hours back home. She's either here, home, or at work basically.
We get along very well, have many interests in common, all that good shit.
She has a very giving demeanor, usually brings dog treats for the dog, and other little gifts for all the people I live with.
So anyway, on with the story.
This past thursday was one of her days off, but she had to do some stuff, such as drop off applications for a new job, so she did not come down and see me then. At some point we were talking on the phone, and she mentions how she "almost went and saw Thor" without me... to which I playfully told her that she better fucking not! :P
Fast forward to Monday.
She has off, comes down and visits, and confesses to me that she "fibbed", that she DID see thor that day, and that she saw it before we had the phone conversation, telling me she didn't. She said it had been eating away at her, and that she had to tell me. she also said that she lied because she thought I would be mad. It should also be noted here that it was commonplace for her to go to the movies by herself before we started dating.
I was taken aback by this, and it didn't really sink in till she left that day, so beyond acting shocked I did nothing more than use it as an excuse for some rough angry sex (she got lots of spankings).
I'm not a huge fan of movies, the marvel ones that have been coming out lately are kinda gimmicky, but it's Thor, I would have seen it. However, beyond that conversation, we never really discussed the movie.
The movie isn't the point, I could care less about the movie...
I explained to her over dinner that I was more offended that she lied to me than that she saw the movie. She asked if I could forgive her, I joked about holding it over her head for the rest of eternity...
... and then she asked me "well... what about a bribe?". I was going to forgive her, but being curious I asked her what she would offer. She replied that she doesn't know, that she "usually lets them pick and then she gives it to them". I half jokingly asked her if she has to bribe people often, to which she was getting upset, so I dropped my ruse and played the forgiving boyfriend card, and the rest is history.
After she left, and I was alone to myself to ponder, it really started eating away at me, the little details of the story (such as the bribe offer) really started to not sit right. I'm worried that the mindset to lie is there... and that more significant things to lie about will be graced with lieing as an option, or in other words... I'm worried she could lie about more serious matters in the future.
Now I'm pretty good at psychoanalysis, and besides being very similar in mindset to me, there were a couple other things I've picked up about her and I'll name the relevant points.
She's grown up as a sort of "daddy's girl" from a decent middle class family. Always got what she wanted for christmas and what have you. this gives me the impression that her punishments as a child were possibly non existent, or very lenient. Luckily a side effect of this would make her a bad liar.
This coupled with her taste for rough sex and bondage, tells me that punishment and discipline are not a serious manner in her mind, that they are ultimately no deterrent to anything. As is most obvious in her sexual preferences, punishment and pain are associated with pleasure.
So, I fear that by "punishing her" with sex, I have all but encouraged this type of behavior in the future.
I plan to have a talk with her about this, but I want it to be in person. I don't want to have the conversation over the phone, as a phone call can act as a sort of social mask or layer of protection. She felt comfortable enough to lie to me over the phone and I cannot communicate how immensely serious I am about this with any sort of mental barrier of her up.
I have to be very careful how I handle this too, because if I take too much of an aggressive approach, in the future should she choose to lie, she will not want to tell me, because she will know I will be mad at her. Which I will, but that's besides the point.
Also, if I don't make my point clear enough, she will still be in a state of mind where lieing is a game, it's just a fib, and you can always apologize and it'll be okay. People will still do things when the reason in their mind is that they can't, or that they're not supposed to... equally so people will not do things they don't WANT to do...
I have to make her not want to, and "punishment" might be off the table.. so I'm still trying to figure out..... "what I should do"....
I think I've outlined EVERYTHING I need to, sorry for the length. The tl;dr is in bold.
Comments
C) As planned talk it out, give her your backstory, like your family was this and that and you always beleived in honesty and you're like someone I really trust and I feel sad and betrayed by your lieing, please don't do this again.
The key here is emotional approach. Act like you're really hurt and she will avoid doing that. I know it sounds gay but when spanking doesn't work, being emotionally hurt does.
You know what to do.
Let's put it another way Willy......for 4-5 months this girl has been literally running ragged just to hang out with you, and she takes one opportunity to do something on her own for a couple hours.....and you get butthurt. :facepalm: Are you kidding me?
The reason she lied is obviously you are clingy/needy....and probably insecure about a lot of things. More than likely there are other things about your personality that have exposed this in the past, and you have given her shit about other issues before. Hell, I don't even understand it....your interest in Thor sounded lukewarm at best.....so the whole "issue" here is this girl dared do something in a 4-5 months time period without you, and now you are uptight because she had a couple of hours of fun and you weren't around. Oh. The. Horror. :rolleyes:
Then there is the whole point of how much she continues to GIVE to this relationship.....because that time and monetary investment just getting to see you certainly isn't chump change. So the two of you get together, and all you do is whine and bitch about a movie she saw days before that you really weren't that hyped up about?
As for the "bribe" that was probably her way to get your mind off of petty shit. She drove all that way to have fun, and instead you want to pout about nonsense. She's probably willing to do anything to ge off the "bad" vibe, and yeah if it means jumping your bones to try to get you to get over such ponderous bullshit....she doesn't want to have to waste her time off coddling your needy psyche.
Willy, this thing is ALL your fault......and you have no right or reason to get butthurt because someone you are with actually has a life and can spend *GASP* recreational time without you and still have fun. :eek:
Get over your insecurity issues before you blow it, because obviously the girl has the money and the means to do whatever she likes.....and having to constantly tap-dance around your insecurity isn't going to be fun for very long. There ARE better guys than you out there, just hope you get your shit together before she realizes she is giving more to this relationship than she is getting.
Holy shit DaGuru.
Blown away.
:eek:
:thumbsup:
Admittedly, the inner deviant perv in me liked your advice of..."she really wants to be spanked, so go do it......"
But I still calls em' as I sees em'
You're mad because your gf saw Thor without you?
:facepalm:
Also, you sound like you have a fun girlfriend. You should take advantage of that. Think about it. She travels way out of her way so she can spend time with you, and have kinky sex. You gotta have fun while you can. One day you're going to be married like me, and you can kiss you're youth goodbye.
Also, you kind of blew it with the bribe. Hopefully she will still take you up on the offer. :rolleyes:
You are wise, but incorrect in your assumption. Please allow me to explain a few more things.
This is not the first time she has gone and seen a movie without me. she has days where she does her own thing and I'm perfectly fine with that. This is however the first time she lied about doing these things.. which I find odd, and I don't understand why she thought I would be mad. I have, to the best of my knowledge, not acted in any way to which she would interpret my disapproval of such a thing.
I did outline just how much she gives in this relationship to make a point that, lieing is completely contradictory to everything else she does, and it would hardly be fair if I failed to describe that aspect of her. Now that I am working again, I will be able to give back in some sense, which will make me feel less guilty accepting so much from her.
Amie: You're exactly right. And it is my belief that this sort of tantamounting paranoia is unhealthy for the relationship.. You can't have a healthy relationship if you're constantly questioning whether or not what you're being told is the truth. Thus why I need to know fully and surely I can trust her, and I shall reciprocate the same, and that we cannot be doing this to each other.
Spiff: oh my, how ever did you pin me? did the klondike bar wrappers give me away? was it the repugnant scent of months old sweat imprisoned between my oppressive folds of blubber? Or did you have to add me to some probable stereotype so as to better ridicule me in your mind?
Box: I'll repeat this once more so that it is known, but it is not the movie that bothered me, it is the fact that she lied about it. Had she told me on the phone than she had just seen it, I would have at most been mildly disappointed and asked her how she liked it.
to everyone else: :thumbsup:
'I thought about going to see Thor today' or something similar. This would have acted as an opener for her to tell you that she had been to see it, managing the next part of the conversation - that or she would have just plain out told you.
I would follow the line of thought that she is a sub however and she is prompting you to develop a sub/dom relationship - her seeming submissive nature in driving to you, bringing you treats, the lying to provoke punishment and her background.
Try pushing the sub/dom relationship further - rather than just slapping her arse during sex, push it further dominating her verbally at first without humour or tenderness - if she seems open to this push her physically - do some research on this.
At the end of the day, it is a very young relationship and you can try taking it in any direction you want - if it ends you will have not have lost an awful lot.
Understand man, I ain't intentionally trying to break you down....just a neutral observer giving an unbiased opinion. I'm hopeful that Doc is right, and there iare a lot of sub/Dom games in your future....be I'm still stuck on her choice of verbiage when telling you about "almost went and saw Thor".
Its a passive way to test you for your response, for some reason she did have trepidation to tell you outright....and I'd bet as soon as those words left her lips, she left a purposeful pause inviting whatever response was about to come out of your lips.
Now I don't claim to know why that trepidation was there, it could be any numerous things that you've exhibited in the past 5 months....for some reason she didn't want to go there. Maybe she really went with an annoying friend you didn't like, and thought she was a bad influence. Maybe you seemed more in her shit in recent conversations discussing her time management, as if there is a miscommunication there. Maybe she was "afraid" to tell you because in her fucked up illogical female mind, just because Thor is a super-hero every alpha male was gonna go apeshit over the movie and mistakenly believed you were in that category.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. It could be anything, but that verbiage was NOT something accident. It was a test for whatever reason she didn't want to be straight up front with you, and it was your reaction of "you better not" that upped the morality factor of her delivery of that test....and guilt got the better part of her when the whole thing went awry.
Something is amiss here and it isn't what you perceive as "lying", instead that miscommunication is indicative of a much different problem that will fundamentally create even more problems in the future. Don't focus too much on the moraily of what you are construing as a lie, and instead worry about the more core issue....whatever the fuck it is.
Don't be mad, bro.
Either that or cheat on her and see how she likes it :cool:
THIS.... this is it. I think you have something here... I will dwell upon this thought and see what it becomes after mulling in my mind...
Thank you for your wisdom.
Lol you motherfucker... she went and saw bridesmaids today while I was at work... :P
but no seriously, I'll see her friday night now so we'll have our talk, and by sunday or so I might get back with an update and some closure to this thread. Maybe it'll be longer, but I won't leave you guys hanging.