Golf Jokes

Dfg

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
...
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

This is for Rachel

Dfg

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my f**king house."





And this one;


4 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, kept it started for 5 mins then turned it off again. He then told them, "We have reached your destination."
The 1st guy was too drunk. Without saying a word he got out of the taxi.
The 2nd guy gave him money. The 3rd guy got out and said, "Thank you." The 4th guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked. He thought the 4th guy knew what he did. But he asked, "What was that for?"
The 4th guy replied, "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

Dfg

Two Irish men are in a bar, musing about this and that, just passing the time while they drink the night away.
"So," Angus says to his dear friend Lachlan. "Did you hear what happened to old Mr. McCleary?"
"No, I can't say I did! Did he finally kick the bucket? That old man is tougher than anyone I've ever laid eyes on!"
"Aye, he passed away all right, but not by any natural causes. He was on a tour of the local whiskey factory and he slipped and fell into the giant production vat. Drowned."
"Oh, poor McCleary! He never stood a chance, did he?"
"Nay, I'd say he had a chance. He got out to go the bathroom three times before he finally drowned."