So You Want to be a God. — Totseans

So You Want to be a God.

SkinDeepSkinDeep Semo-Regulars
edited September 2010 in Life
So, you've been hitting the gym for the last few months and you haven't seen any improvement. You want to look good, but it seems impossible. You start to feel jealous of people on TV and in pornos, thinking "well, they have all the time in the world, that's their fucking job. You're feeling fat, or skinny, or weak.

And you want to know what to do, but you don't know how to ask, or even where to begin. Look no further. I wrote a guide for just this purpose!

I'm a moderate weight/skinny weight, and it's healthy for my height, but I still look crummy with the lights off. What should I do?

Just because you're at a healthy weight doesn't mean you're in shape. It also doesn't mean you'll look good minus the clothes. Sometimes, even if you eat just right and maintain a good weight your physique will go to shit. It's what happened to me a couple years ago.

The answer may seem counterproductive, but bare with me: you need to bulk. Bulking is the process of consuming excess calories for the purpose of gaining muscle. You will also gain fat, which brings me to my next point:

I'm overweight, what should I do to lose weight!?

Okay, you started off saying that you were "bearmode" but after a while women stopped looking at you like an ultra butch male, and more like a eunich with bitch tits and a high voice. You keep saying it's because you're tired all the time, or because you have a thyroid problem, or because you don't have time to exercise, but you sure as hell have time to eat 4000 calories a day and watch Jerry Springer- so what should you do?

Obviously, lose weight! This is referenced as cutting.

Okay, well how do I bulk or cut?

Well, in order to effectively lose weight if you're at a under to moderate BMR is a bulking eating schedule, which is 500 kcal over your maintenance. You need to figure out approximately how many calories you need for your weight, and you need to go 500 over. I am 200 lbs, and my maintenance is about 3000 kcal a day. I need to eat 3500 kcal if I want to bulk up. My diet looks something like this:

Meal One

Eggs (4-6)
Sausage (4)
Hash browns
Wheat toast
2 glasses milk
1 cup black coffee

(I know, I know, sodium)

I chose this particular meal because it's high in protein, it has plenty of fat, and the carbohydrates are DECENT. Most people tend to frown upon simple carbohydrates at a volume like this (the hash browns are the simple carbs) but since you're bulking, you will more than likely be burning them pretty quickly throughout the day. You can anticipate putting on a good deal of fat during this process, I suggest doing it as we're going into winter.

Meal Two

Oatmeal (1.5-2 cups)
Tea and water
Wheat toast with peanut butter
Protein shake (water and whey)
Apple.

Again, this meal is the second of the day, I eat oatmeal about an hour before my mid-day workout (I'm a student and I have a break in the middle of the day) I do this because the complex carbohydrates will keep me going, and the sugars from the apples can be digested towards energy used during my workout.

Post workout

A 300 kcal protein shake I got from GNC called "Dark matter," though I would normally suggest any kind of whey/creatine combination. Most people cycle creatine every month or so to keep the muscles a good, bulky size and promote ATP (the body's main source of energy) flow to the muscles during lifts.

Mid-day

Spicy tuna sandwich
Banana
1 glass milk
1 glass water
Bagel

Supper

Lean meats
Veggies
Bread
Milk
Water

Bedtiem

Cottage cheese with honey and pineapple (a big ol' bowl of it)
water.

Try to modify it based on your size, but overall I have about six meals with the largest ones being breakfast and dinner. They average about 6-700 kcal per meal. I don't count calories, I just consume like a fat piece of shit so I have the energy to do my lifting routine. When I was bulking I was on Stronglifts, but I've seen pretty decent results with Starting Strength, too (on other people.)

Stronglifts link:
http://stronglifts.com/stronglifts-5x5-beginner-strength-training-program/

If you're ballsy and confident in your abilities, switch out push-ups for dips and inverted rows for bent-over rows.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ss5SuopztW4

Starting Strength Link:
http://startingstrength.wikia.com/wiki/The_Starting_Strength_Novice/Beginner_Programs

The main thing I'd like to emphasize on these is that you're not going to look in the mirror and see a greek god after a couple months of this. You will see a little progress, but don't expect to look in and see anyone in 300. This is to develop myofibular capacity, meaning that you will be strengthening your base fibers of your muscles so they can be better saturated for the next phase, which I suggest to be a volumizing routine based on something called sarcoplasmic hypertrophy which is hypertrophy (a big fancy word for "making something bigger) of the sarcoplasmic fluids of your muscles (which are the fluids that regulate the energy muscles receive.

It's disputed as to what to do next, I'd suggest cycling into a routine like German Volume Training or some other hypertrophy based routine. Basically, you're going to want to do a lot of major muscle groups with a whole lot of lifting repetitions- probably around 3 sets of 12 repetitions for a lot of routines (or if you do intermediary GVT it will be 10x10.) It's really your call.

OKAY I DID IT. How do I cut?

Cutting kind of sucks. Try to keep your weight steady and don't work on progressive loading, just try to keep the progress you've made and keep lifting to tire those muscles out (12 reps). Meanwhile, if you haven't started on cardio, I suggest doing less that 45 minutes of running or swimming every other day. Too much more than that will promote muscle catabolism (or breakdown.)

As long as you're sweating and maintaining muscle, you're doing a good job.

The diet on this is just like the bulking diet, only you're gonna try to go 500 BELOW your maintenance. Fun, right? Some people suggest something called a ketogenic diet which is something used for people with epilepsy. It's like the atkins diet and it works by starving your body of carbohydrates so your body has to tap into your fatty energy reserves. It's mock starvation and your body will respond to it AS IF IT IS STARVING. That being said, you'll feel kind of weak, your breath will smell like shit, and you'll probably start getting headaches and feel hungry for breads and shit. You can do this, you will lose weight, but it's hard on the heart and you can hurt yourself without a physician monitoring it.

Another method I don't suggest is the EC{A} Stack It's a combination of caffeine, ephedrine, and asprin. The asprin is to prevent a FUCKING HEART ATTACK and the rest is appetite suppressants and stimulants.

mmm, drug cocktail.

Again, both of these will work but I do not suggest them.

I guess that's it.

Comments

  • SkinDeepSkinDeep Semo-Regulars
    edited September 2010
    WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE CURLS?

    If you do curls at a weak, small size your arm muscles aren't going to grow much. Most of the muscles in your body only grow relative to the size of other muscles, which is why people with large statures and frames usually have good all around muscles. That being said, train the larger muscle groups and incorporate a curling/arm routine later.

    I'm on a four day split, why haven't I seen any progress

    BECAUSE YOU'RE A WEAK FAGGOT AND YOU'RE TRYING TO DO AN ADVANCED BODYBUILDING ROUTINE. CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

    I want to use my dumbbell, can I replace these exercises with dumbbell exercises?

    No. The reason we use barbells is because you can add weight in smaller increments and you can move up to higher weights. That being said, dumbbells are good for mostly isolation exercises, and shouldn't be considered in a beginner routine. You can use them for tentative replacements, but you want to go to barbells as quickly as possible.

    Will masturbation affect my gains

    No. Stop asking.
  • edited September 2010
    I am probably the only one on here who IS a GOD
    Look me up in ED
    Silly Cunts
  • RuptureRupture Regular
    edited September 2010
    Protip: Milk is not for human digestion after you pass infancy.
    And sausages for breakfast?..

    "Milk is for babies" -Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • SkinDeepSkinDeep Semo-Regulars
    edited September 2010
    Rupture wrote: »
    Protip: Milk is not for human digestion after you pass infancy.
    And sausages for breakfast?..

    "Milk is for babies" -Arnold Schwarzenegger

    Yeah, I know. The idea is that I want to get as much protein as possible after my fast. Most people don't like milk, and some of it doesn't digest THAT WELL, but a decent amount of it has good protein, good fats, and it tastes pretty good.
  • LuxJigabooLuxJigaboo Regular
    edited September 2010
    I'm perfectly satisfied with being a false god.
  • stresstres Regular
    edited September 2010
    SkinDeep wrote: »
    BECAUSE YOU'RE A WEAK FAGGOT AND YOU'RE TRYING TO DO AN ADVANCED BODYBUILDING ROUTINE. CUT THAT SHIT OUT.


    i almost fell out my chair laughing when i read this ha!

    really good shit man im just starting to lift and im trying to get as much info about it as possible lol
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